Like I was poison in your mouth

I live in a crunchy city on the "Left Coast". Mamas routinely breastfeed in public without covering up. (I high-five them in my mind, because I'm not brave enough.)

BabyM flat-out refused to nurse in public around 5 months old. Life was just WAY TOO INTERESTING to worry about milk and definitely not under cover. Trying to wrangle a wiggly baby and not flash my fellow diners in a restaurant was good times.

So I stopped breastfeeding in public. I had a giant stash of milk stored up for my return to work (which didn't happen) so we had plenty when she *finally* deigned to accept a bottle around 6 months. I had nearly given up hope of anyone else feeding her at that point, so hooray for small victories.

But we kept nursing at home and she became super quick and efficient. She outgrew needing to be nursed to fall asleep and in a stunning turn of events, I can put her down in the crib in the mythical state of "drowsy but awake" and she actually, amazingly, puts herself to sleep.  This was unheard of 2 months ago and the cause of much despair around here.

The only constant with a baby is change.  At almost 10 months, BabyM is apparently ready to do everything at once - in the last 3 weeks she's learned to sit up from lying down, rolls around in both directions, *crawls* and is growing 3 new teeth at the same freakin' time.

The one thing I didn't expect to change - our easy, efficient "nursing relationship" - did.  I'll spare you the details, but it started to hurt a lot.  I was dreading her feedings. This was all new, since this amazing baby showed up on Day 1 knowing exactly what to do. 

My best guess is that her new teeth are affecting her latch, *and* she's growing like crazy and really hungry. When we give her a bottle, she drains 5-6oz in just a few minutes. She wants to eat and get on with her day. She also eats unbelievable quantities of solid food - actual person-sized amounts.

For a couple of weeks I've been pumping and feeding her, but I hate it.  One of the awesome benefits of not working anymore is not having to pump several times a day and feeling the stress of "do I have enough?". 

The freezer stash is dwindling - we have 2 weeks' worth of occasional bottles left.  I know I could spend time and $$$ getting a lactation consultant to diagnose what's going on. Lord knows I've used Dr. Google to self-diagnose as well.  I could drink the tea and take the supplements, which I've done in the past for T.

Or, I could supplement with formula for the next 1.5 months until we can introduce regular soy milk and use this as an opportunity to slowly wean her so I don't quit cold turkey and become Hormone-Crazed Angry Mama.  

It's taken me weeks to come to terms with this, thanks to the propaganda machine. I know logically that formula != "poison" (like some would have you believe) and that whole generations were raised successfully on formulas less nutritionally advanced than what's available now.  Big sister T was essentially prescribed formula by her doctor at 9 months since she was so low on iron and it was better than holding her down to force the nasty iron supplement into her mouth.  

BabyM isn't allergic to anything as far as we can tell so our options are wide open, unlike with T.  BabyM eats *everything*, including carpet lint, so the term "exclusively breastfed" means nothing at this point. 

But that little voice inside my head is telling me I'm being lazy and not trying hard enough to fix the nursing issue.  It's telling me I should breastfeed BabyM *exactly* as long as I did for her big sister, which would mean continuing in some form for 4 more months (ouch!).

It shouldn't be this complicated or guilt-inducing, right?  So today I took the first baby step. I wanted to make sure we had a backup option for M when our freezer stash of breastmilk runs out. I can't pump enough to get her through a day.

I found the "just in case" formula I bought before M was born. It expired in February so I threw it out. I wondered if it was a sign.

Then I realized I had a can of the same brand powdered stuff as well, likely a free "gift" from somewhere. This was a new experience for me - we always used the ready-to-feed for T. I got my chemistry on and made up a bottle very carefully as per the instructions. 

And she drank it down like it was sweet candy juice from heaven. Seriously, I think she drank it faster than any bottle of milk she'd had before. Well, then. I feel good that we have options.

I've given myself a couple more weeks to figure out the nursing stuff and see if there's an obvious, easy solution. I'm disappointed at how much internal angst I'm having over this. I know logically everything will be fine, but there's that nagging doubt when I consider taking a different path than I did last time.

But that's the crux of parenting, isn't it?  You have no idea whether or how any one decision is going to affect THE FUTURE. You just take a breath, pick a path that you think is right, and get moving. Kind of terrifying and kind of awesome all at the same time.

I feel like I should end this post with something uplifting, like "Go forth and conquer."  So, um, yeah!

7 Things To Make Breastfeeding Suck Less

Pun intended, hehe. I was going to title this something earnestly helpful like "7 Nursing Essentials", but that was too boring.  Can I also say that I am so much more comfortable with the euphemism of "nursing", like somehow it's bad for me to talk about breasts?  Sigh.  I'm working on it, though.

Anyway, as you may recall, I did not like breastfeeding at first. In fact, at this point with BabyT, 4 weeks in, it still hurt like a mofo, and I was spending upwards of 4 hours a day feeding her because she was sloooow. Luckily with BabyM, she's pretty efficient and has a picture-perfect latch, so it never hurt. A-mazing.

Why is there a pumpkin on my head??

However, like all newborns, she eats several times a day, so there are some things that make the experience even better.  

1. All-Purpose Nipple Ointment.  My doctor calls this stuff "magic ointment" and good lord she was NOT kidding.  This made breastfeeding bearable the first time, and I'm convinced it's also kept us thrush and infection-free as well.  For the second baby, I was smart enough to get the prescription filled *before* the baby came and took this stuff to the hospital.

2. Washable nursing pads.  Most people just buy the box of disposable Lansinoh nursing pads to avoid embarassing leaks on clothing.  And don't get me wrong, they're pretty great and I have a small stash of those on hand for long outings.  But I felt really bad about generating *so much* trash - tossing a few pairs of these every day for months made me feel very eco-guilty.  I found these wonderfully made washable nursing pads by wooldins on Etsy and bought a set with each baby.  They're WAY better than the 100% cotton ones sold in stores - those get clammy and gross.  These stay comfortable, and wash well.  Love.

3. Electric breast pump x2.  We started BabyM on a bottle this week, so I had my first grown up dinner away from the baby. So nice.  Of course, this requires me to pump, but I have to anyway, since I need to start the freezer stash for my return to work in March.  I'm lucky to have inherited a nice Medela pump from a close friend (8 years old but still going strong, surprisingly!).  What I found out last time was that lugging the pump and parts back and forth and setting it up at home and at work *each day* was a royal pain.  So I got another one for work and left it there.  I only brought the parts and bottles home to wash and had plenty of extras.  Well worth the extra cost.

4. My Brest Friend Nursing Pillow. I know, real women can nurse standing up, walking around, etc. and don't need any stinkin' nursing pillow.  But I'm just not woman enough.  I'm still pretty awkward without it, though I can get it done if required.  But with the pillow, it's so.damn.easy.  Baby is at the right height, I can sit up straight without a crazy backache, and it leaves me with a free hand to snack, surf the web, shop online etc.  Ridiculous name, but great product.

5. Ugly Glider.  I scored a screamin' deal (twice!) on Craigslist for a Dutailier glider-rocker.  These things are so ridiculously ugly, but so damn comfortable for breastfeeding.  Ours has a charming (puke) pastel animal theme.  But the angle of the chair is perfect, it's a rocker, and has comfy padding.  I can get over the sheer ugliness of it for the year or so we'll need it.

6. Medela Nursing Stool.  When I first saw this, I thought it was another way to separate new parents from their money.  I mean, Ugly Glider comes with its own ottoman so why would I need a separate tiny hard footstool?  Except that the ottoman is not the right height for nursing, and I am short and had a ridiculous backache for the first few weeks of nursing BabyT. The lactaction specialist recommended this stool, and desperate for relief, I shelled out the money for it.  Worth.every.penny.  Seriously.  It fixed all my posture problems.  Love.

7. Smartphone.  Yeah, I know.  You don't *need* this for nursing.  But OMG, having Internet access on a tiny device I can hold in one hand?  Priceless for those long feedings.  I've shopped online, kept up with Facebook, read the news, and cleaned out my email, all while growing a baby. How awesome is that? I could even watch movies and TV if I wanted to. Definitely an essential.

So there it is - the things that make breastfeeding easy-peasy for me.  Hope it helps.  What do the experienced mamas out there think?  Any essentials I missed?  I'd love to hear about them in the comments.

Blessed and lucky

So here we are on the Other Side.  I've been meaning to post something since Monday, but have been too tired to sit down and write anything more complex than a Facebook status.

Meridian Rayna made her way into the world on Monday morning, weighing 6 lbs 13 oz and measuring 18.5 inches. Surprisingly, everything was right on schedule.  We showed up at the hospital at 7am, they took us back almost immediately and got me prepped for surgery.  I had less time to freak out this time than last time. But, I still dislike hospitals, and hate having an IV.  Especially when they have to poke me more than once to get a good spot.

The anesthesiologist, Dr. L, was *amazing*.  She got the job done right on the first try and chatted with me the entire time to distract me from what was happening.  We talked about The Checklist Manifesto which I read earlier this year.  I was thrilled to note that as part of the procedure, my doctor ran through a checklist/intros before they got started.  So cool to read about it, then see it in action.

Both TJ and I are very squeamish, so we had them put up a screen, and asked the docs not to tell us what they were doing and that we were perfectly happy to assume that babies come out perfectly clean and wrapped in blankets :)

Just like last time, I cried when I heard BabyM's "voice".  She has a ton of dark brown hair and deep blue eyes, both of which are probably temporary.  The time holding her in the recovery room passed quickly, as did nursing her for the first time.

The nurses who took care of us were FANTASTIC, again.  We were lucky to have them looking out for us and responding to my requests for help getting M in and out of her "crib",  swaddling her tightly, getting me up and walking, and working with me to find a painkiller/schedule that worked.

With that, a short list of things I am grateful for:

1.  Feeding - Baby M is one of those mythical babies "born knowing what to do".  She latched on right away. She's quick. It doesn't hurt and is actually kind of a nice peaceful cuddly time. (Did I really say that?!)  This was definitely *not* the case with T in the early months.

2.  Husband - I count my lucky stars to have TJ (sappy alert).  M would not sleep in the hospital's Baby Tupperware (aka "crib") so he slept with her in his arms every night and for some naps.  We are currently practicing "divide and conquer" to shepherd T through her schedule and keep BabyM fed, clean and happy.  I can't imagine if it had to be all Mama, all the time. 

3.  Sleep - Of course we could be getting more sleep, uninterrupted, but after the last month of pregnancy, what I'm getting now is amazing.  Plus, BabyM sleeps in 2-4 hour stretches, which is more than I expected.  So far, so good.

4.  My mom - She stayed with T at our house while we were in the hospital.  T somehow convinced her to co-sleep, so I'm sure my mom didn't get much rest.  She also left us a huge pot of chili which we are still eating (when we remember to eat).  T is at her house today to play. Hooray.

5.  Narcotics - It's really too bad I don't enjoy them more.  My doctor is very thorough and sent me home with a bunch of different ones to try, since both of the options I used in the hospital made me dizzy and nauseous.  But honestly, all I need right now is the high dose ibuprofen, alternating with Tylenol + codeine.  When I remember to take them on schedule, nothing hurts.  Hooray for modern medicine.

Life is good around here, if a bit hazy from lack of sleep.  I think there might be nothing better than cuddling a sweet, sleepy baby, with nothing else on the agenda.

Hello, what?

As I was falling asleep last night, a thought popped into my head.  I'm really looking forward to nursing another baby.

What the heck??  When did that happen?  Before I got pregnant with T, I was thinking "you want me to do what?! And that's her only food source?  Who thought that was a good idea?"  I thought I'd have to sequester myself in a dark room somewhere and never leave the house. 

One of the first questions I asked our prospective pediatrician was her thoughts on breastfeeding because I wanted to gauge whether she was going to harangue me or guilt me if I wanted to quit.  (She did not, and she has been awesome in every way.  She said she asks new moms to try to give it a month, and that was a good answer in my book.)

It took us a long time to get the hang of it.  I didn't like it at first.   I set small goals for myself - make it through the first day, three days, a week.  Then 2 weeks, a month, and before I knew it, we got to that magical time when it was actually *easier* to nurse her than sort out a bottle.  And she got so efficient, we'd be done in less than 10 minutes and I lost my leisurely Facebook/NYT reading time.  Heh.  I was all set to quit at a year, but T got sick for the first time right around then, we had two trips planned, and we were still navigating her dairy allergy, so she nursed until just short of 14 months.  I never imagined making it for that long.  When we quit, we were both ready - not a single tear was shed and she never asked about it (ok, that made ME a little sad inside, I'll admit!).

I even got brave enough to nurse in public, sort of.  I could do it in the car, or at other gatherings with mamas and babies.  I never managed to get comfortable nursing in a random public place like a restaurant but I suspect Baby X' will be nursed wherever we happen to be, since we'll be out and about more.

So maybe I'm remembering those blissful, easy days of nursing in bed for 10 minutes and going about our business.  When it's 4 hours a day, it probably won't be so awesome.  But oddly, I'm still looking forward to it.

But there is nothing in this world that will make me look forward to pumping again.  Blech.

Mama, ooo, didn't mean to make you cry

Two weeks ago, we reached a milestone I never thought I'd see. I have breastfed BabyT for 11 months! 11! That's one month short of a year! When I wrote this, I never imagined we'd make it this long.

Around 4 months it actually got EASY, and quick. Easier than pumping and heating up bottles. So when we hit 6 months and I gave myself permission to quit, we kept going.

I've still never been comfortable nursing in public - I've done it a few times in a pinch, or at a mom's group where other people are doing it (lemming, I know). But T is way too big and wiggly to be happy under a blanket or nursing cover so we just nurse at home, and give her a bottle or cup when we're out and about.  Every time I see someone nursing in public, I want to give them a high-five for being brave and kicking ass but of course, they'd think I was crazy.

The weird thing is that I'm not planning to quit at 1 year, which I totally thought I'd do (if I ever imagined in my wildest dreams that I'd make it this far). BabyT is still allergic to dairy so no cow's milk for her. We started her on soymilk which she likes - I tried it and it's YUM.  We buy the vanilla flavor so it's nice and sweet.

Plus, September is going to be super-busy for us, with trips and parties and starting daycare, so introducing another transition might not be wise. So for a few more months, we'll keep nursing. Of course, where we live, it's totally normal - I've known tons of people who kept nursing until 18 months, 2 years, or older. 
 
I know a lot of people just don't get the extended nursing thing.  Heck, even I didn't get it until the last couple of months.  Someone commenting on AskMoxie nailed it- she said she had been planning to wean at a year, but when her baby turned 1, the mama realized that she was *still* a baby.  That's where I am.
 
BabyT is not yet reliably drinking a large volume from a cup and we've tried several different kids of sippy and straw cups with various beverages:  water, soymilk, watered down juice.  I think she's just not ready yet, and will get there on her own time, like everything else.  In the meantime, I don't want to offer her *more* bottles since we're trying to phase those out.  So nursing it is.   
 
I am phasing out pumping milk at home - if she needs milk when I'm not around, we've got formula to finish up, and of course, the yummy soymilk.  I'm really excited about not having to buy any more formula - I didn't love feeding it to her, with all of its special handling rules and how processed it is.  I do think it helped get her iron levels back up to normal, so I can't hate on it too much.
 
My next step will be to phase out pumping at work, and then I will do my happy dance.  Because there is nothing stranger than sitting in your office hooked up to a breastpump while trying to answer work email. 
 
I know we've been working towards weaning since 6.5 months when we introduced solids, but quitting the pump seems like an even huger leap forward.  Like many paradoxes in this new life of mine, I'm both happy and sad.  Yes, I'm actually sad to contemplate that in a few months, BabyT will  no longer be nursing.  Did I really just say that?  Who am I??