Here's your reading list for the week

I've been blogging up a storm over at The Papercraft Lab, so I thought you might like to see what I wrote.

Nine numerical facts about nine years

My secret mobile photography weapon 

101 things to document about yourself  (useful for blogs, Project Life, art journals and more!)

What color is the grass now? (mentioned by author Laura Vanderkam on her blog!)


Apparently people have been finding these posts useful because my stats are crazy high this week.  Hooray and hope to see you over there!

We're still having fun (and still blogging)

I was so excited about my clarity of purpose in my last post, getting all into Essentialism and writing that shizz down, that I forgot to say one thing.  I am taking a break from blogging here, but I will still be writing at The Papercraft Lab.

I do like to write, but I can't maintain two blogs. I also can't write about *just* crafting 100% so my secret to keeping up my business blog is to make it more like this one, and open to other topics.  Granted, they will at least tenuously relate to either photography, crafting or documenting interesting life happenings, but that covers a lot of ground.

So I'd appreciate if you could update your feed reader and come on over.  Today I've got some time management tips for crafty folks.

Ready to Run

I have a love-hate, on-and-off, breakup and get back together again relationship with exercise.  When I was 24, I lost 40 pounds by combining Weight Watchers and serious exercise. That was the first time in my life I tried running. I was inspired by John Bingham's book about getting started as a runner despite being middle aged and overweight. I love that he dubbed himself "The Penguin". I went to Alaska for one of his running clinics and it was awesome.

Because this is a blog post and that was 14 years ago, I can fast forward through all the sweat and side stitches and hours on the treadmill, and say that I went from no exercise at all, to a ton of walking, to running a 5K.  It was glorious - I was thinner than I ever had been as an adult, I actually started to love running and working out and I gained some serious self-confidence in the process.

You know how the story goes. First it started with a new consulting gig where the gym wasn't so convenient and lots of dinners out.  I eventually gained some of that weight back. In 2004 after I got engaged, I got my vanity on - I wanted to look *good* in my wedding pictures.  So back to the gym I went. I got a trainer and a nutritionist and got back to running.  I ran another couple of 5Ks in Seattle and learned to love running again.

But again, the lazy won out.  I did work out fairly regularly, but stopped running.  When I got pregnant with T, I stopped going to the gym entirely because I was SO tired all the time. I dropped my gym membership and haven't had one since (5+ years now!).

Two pregnancies later, the situation is not pretty. I have about 20 lbs to lose to get back to pre-T-pregnancy weight.  And that was not a healthy weight for me, so it's more like 40-mumble pounds to get back to something actually healthy for my height.

One of my goals for age 40 (next year - arghhh!) is to get to a healthy weight for my height.  I don't have a lot of time, and I do have a lot of work ahead of me.  And yet I have been unmotivated to DO THE WORK. I can talk a good game, I can make charts and lists and motivational collages, but actually getting down to the treadmill and walking?  Naaah.

And then my friend A told me about Beat the Blerch.  It's a crazy running event hosted by the guy who draws The Oatmeal.  There will be cake, and people in costume chasing the runners. This appealed to me. Plus, I love The Oatmeal.

My first 10K, god help me

So in a fit of crazy, and encouraged by several friends, I signed up.  The shortest distance is 10K.  Which I've never run.  The last time I did any running was in 2005.  What have I gotten myself into?

I started where all new runners start these days.  The Couch to 5K walk/run program.  Now in our fancy age of smartphones, there's an app for that.  It's fantastic- it gives you prompts to start running or walking over the music you're listening to.  I really could have used this back in 2004.  Or 1998.

I completed a week of running workouts before I got this horrible cold which I've had for about 2 weeks now.  (Sigh).  This means I'll probably have to start over.  I couldn't even DO the Week 1 of that program - I'm so out of shape that even running for 1 minute 8 times was too much.  So I scaled it back to running 35 seconds and I'll add more time slowly.  

I've got 5 months before the race in September so I should be able to work up to 6.2 miles by then, *if* I can be consistent.  That's the hard part, right?

2013 Creath Family Holiday Letter: Temporary One

I usually have this post written by Thanksgiving weekend, but we've been traveling two weekends in a row which is highly unusual for our homebody family.

December is shaping up to be a challenging month for us. We pulled T out of her preschool due to safety issues and mismanagement, which breaks my heart because the teachers and program are excellent. But having active construction while the kids are in session, and putting kids in a building that failed inspection just a week ago are no bueno in our book.

We also decided to "camp out" in our living room at night so that we can all be together rather than sleeping in separate houses while our house is being remodeled. It's actually working pretty well but we now have to coordinate logistics between what we bring to our house and what we are leaving at my parents' place, and when we're spending time at each. BabyM still continues to wake several times at night but we'll tackle that issue later.

And if that weren't enough, Spike has been diagnosed with kidney failure and a tumor in his bladder. He's 13, so we're lucky to have had so much time with him. We're keeping our fingers crossed and loving on him as much as we can.

Well, that's a depressing beginning for a holiday letter, isn't it? 

Now on to the good stuff - we are 2 months into a HUGE construction project to turn our house into our perfect *forever* home. There's something for everyone - BabyM finally gets her own room, the girls get a playroom conveniently across from my new ENORMOUS craft room, TJ gets his own office with a door, and the dogs get their own half of the yard separate from the kids.

T turned 4 in September and some of her favorite things are: 

• Vancouver, Canada (we took a mama-daughter trip there last weekend)
• Her new Kindle (early Christmas present)
• Playing pretend, usually involving food preparation of some sort
• Vienna Teng's new CD AIMS (yes, I am heavily influencing her choice of music)
• The all-Christmas music radio station

M turned 1 in October and she currently likes:

• Walking! (This is new, and she still crawls about 50% of the time)
• Stacking cups of all kinds
• Tackling her big sister, then hugging her
• Lint and dust bunnies
• Her toddler group 

Peanut is 11 and doing pretty well considering his age and size.

TJ started his new job at ESPN in February and likes it a lot. In April, I decided NOT to go back to work at Microsoft after my maternity leave with M. It's been fun and challenging to be home with the girls, but I love the more easygoing pace of our days.

I also continue to make handcrafted stamped metal items and jewelry in my Etsy shop, Anandi's Laboratory. In August, I started a new venture, making custom handcrafted scrapbooks and photobooks at The Papercraft Lab.  I'm pleased to say that I got some nice publicity, and have exceeded my initial sales goals.  (Wouldn't be a holiday letter without some bragging, right?)

My parents spent June through October at their place nearby in Redmond, which was great. We just returned last week from visiting TJ's family in Tucson, AZ, and were able to schedule a quick family photo shoot there so we can finally update the photos on our mantel!

If you're still reading this far, thank you for indulging me :) Best wishes to you and yours for a happy, healthy and prosperous 2014!

(c) Kristi Lloyd Photography, 2013

Proud to be an American

American flag made out of recyclable plastic by artbikemike on Flickr.  Love this.

Seeing the flurry of patriotic statements about "never forgetting" and the associated flag-filled images on Facebook gave me that same uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach that I felt in 2001. So I wrote this as my status:

12 years later, I'm still uncomfortable when I see all the 9/11-related patriotism and statements. Yes, it was a horrible act of violence. But I will also never forget being viewed by my fellow Americans with distrust just for being brown and looking "like them".

I'm sure, in my 900+ Facebook "friends" there were those who thought this was inappropriate to post, or thought it was reasonable collateral damage for what "they" did to us.  Thankfully they kept their thoughts to themselves.  (I've unfriended some already for making offensive comments about Lunar New Year, racial slurs against our president, and general assholery after the George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin verdict.)

Yesterday a friend told me that the new Miss America is Indian-American. I was stunned, and even though I think beauty pageants are stupid, sexist and outdated, I was just a little bit thrilled.  I've written before about how I feel invisible in popular culture.

As it turns out, the "article" he linked was actually a collection of really ignorant and racist tweets posted after Nina Davuluri's win was announced.  You know, the usual stuff calling her a terrorist, foreigner, blah blah blah.

I'd love to say I was surprised to see them, but I'm not.  You see, I grew up in Western Pennsylvania in the 80s. It was mostly white and Catholic, neither diverse nor liberal, and the polar opposite of where I live now.  As a child I was taunted for the color of my skin, my parents' religion, my "weird" name, told to go back to my country (uh, born in Pittsburgh, thanks), called "camel jockey", etc.

My experience is sadly not unique, as my friend N wrote so eloquently yesterday. While I can thankfully say that I really don't encounter racism anymore, many still do.

I'm rolling my eyes at CNN and other news media picking up the racism/ignorance angle and being so shocked about it.  I mean really, are there people who think this stuff doesn't exist in our "enlightened" times?

But another part of me is thrilled that (at least some) mainstream media is calling it out as unacceptable and defending Nina Davuluri's "right" to be chosen as Miss America.  (As stupid as I think the whole idea of Miss America really is.)

So maybe the times, they are a-changin'.  Just a little.

Wordless Wednesday: He Says He's Not A Photographer

Almost Wordless Wednesday: Best Birthday Ever

38 brought to you by
Raskog, Project Life, card made by T, breakfast cooked by TJ, Silhouette download card,
6 hours of uninterrupted mama time, dinner with family at Pomegranate and cake.

Wordless Wednesday: 18 years, 18 years

I ain't workin' here no more

Photo by JASELabs on Flickr

I sent out my "goodbye email" today at work.  I sent the email to about 75 people I've worked with over 10 years.  10 years! I can't believe that I'm even old enough to have worked somewhere for 10 years.  Sigh.   

It was emotionally harder than I thought, considering I haven't actually been AT work since mid-September.  I've been in limbo for so long with my job - maternity leave, my extended vacation/internal job search, and before that, the never-ending reorganization in my group.

But now it seems real and final, and the checks will stop coming. That's the scary part for me right now, even though I have some good leads on part-time consulting work.  I've been earning at least spending money since I was 15. I've been supporting myself since grad school in 1996 (with a few noteworthy exceptions when I got into some crazy credit card debt in college).

My identity is not tied up in my job. But I do love saying I work for Microsoft.  It's instantly recognizable (good or bad, you decide). It's got prestige. People dig Bill Gates.

I quit because I want more space in my life to do things - work a little, spend lots of unstructured time with the kids, craft a little (ok, a lot), keep our household running, exercise again.

So now I've got to work on my elevator/cocktail party speech. What is it that I do, exactly?  How do I avoid saying "I used to be..." or dismissing what I do - "I'm home with the kids, for now". 

Stay tuned.

Right here and now

Ali Edwards had a blogging (or scrapbooking) prompt today about what's going on "currently" or "right now".  I thought it might be fun since my day is only an hour old and everyone else is still sleeping.

Right now I'm:

A little anxious - I've only ever been in the hospital once before, and that was to have T.  I know it'll be fine this time, too, but still nervous about the days to come.

Excited - We get to meet Baby X' finally!  She won't seem real until she's in my arms.

Hungry - I've already told TJ and T that we're headed to Portage Bay Cafe for breakfast when everyone's awake.  I need my French Toast fix today.

Tired - I haven't slept well in a *month*, yo.  Nature's way of preparing for a newborn, I guess.

Sore-throaty - and sad about it.  Trying to be healthy in preparation for the C-section and hospital stay tomorrow.

Chill - no more projects to do, so today I'll catch up on Project Life, play with T, and *maybe* do a load of laundry.  

Life is pretty good, even if it is 7am and I'm not a morning person :)  Want to play along?  Leave me a link!

Calling Doctor Love

She is an excellent doctor.

Doctors' appointments are on my mind a LOT lately. I am at the delightful stage of pregnancy where I have to go in every week, though thankfully the perinatologist said I didn't have to go back there after this week's ultrasound. I had extra ultrasounds because: I'm old, we have some family history of heart defects and T was running low on amniotic fluid at the end of my last pregnancy. Good times. But apparently I'm hydrating well (thanks Starbucks!) so that part is not a concern.

I now have to rotate my prenatal appointments with the other OBs in the practice, in case I go into labor off-hours and one of the on-call doctors has to deliver Baby X'. I've got my fingers crossed that X' will hang in there until her scheduled C-section appointment (3 weeks and 2 days, yo!) but you know babies, always on their own schedule.

The OB rotation makes me realize how hard it is to find a doctor I really "click" with. I've seen a lot of doctors over the years, but the last few years of my prenatal appointments and all of T's different appointments have really made me realize that it's worth it to "shop around" and find the right person for the job.

My usual MO to find a doctor is to go to our insurance plan's website and look up someone in the specialty I need, within a few miles of our house. I tend to pick female doctors, especially if there's a chance they'll need to see me naked.

But as you might imagine, that's not a foolproof way to find the right doctor. It's just a way to start the real process, which for me is trial and error. Those sites that rate doctors are not at all helpful to me. I don't care where they went to school or what Joe Blow thinks of them. Here are the things I *do* care about:

Bedside manner - are they always in a hurry? good at listening? dismissive of my concerns? (I have a degree in molecular bio, so I'm not completely clueless, nor do I have the "doctor always knows best" thing going on.)

Availability - Do I have to wait forever to see the doc after my scheduled appointment time? Can I get an appointment at short notice if I need it? if not, is there someone else in the practice who can take me?

Office Support - do they have weird scheduling glitches like losing appointments? Are there a lot of insurance or billing mishaps I need to sort out?  Am I on hold forever and a day when calling?

Diagnostic Ability - this is the hardest one for me (and probably for doctors too!).  I want someone who is cautious, logical and willing to dig around to find an answer or solution.  But not someone who's super alarming and tells me right away what the worst case scenario is (I have Dr. Google for that!).  I also need someone who's willing to accept that the current treatment isn't working and that we might need to change it up, or try something stronger.

That last criterion is usually where I figure out I'm dissatisfied, unless there are horrible scheduling or billing issues, in which case, I don't stick around long enough to find out how the diagnoses go.

The primary care doctor I had for the first 7 years here was one I just picked at random from the directory.  She was nice, easy to get an appointment with even on short notice, and had competent office staff.  But she never could get a handle on the weird lingering sinus infections or 4 week + coughs I'd get *every year*.  We'd go through the same thing - first visit, "it's just viral and will go away on its own".  Second visit a week later, antibiotics that didn't work.  Third visit after another week, stronger antibiotics that might work, and if I was lucky an inhaler to fix the issue.  Usually she'd take an X-ray of my chest at this point too, which I wasn't crazy about, but really just wanted to get rid of the ick because it had been 6+ weeks by then.  I just muddled through this each year because I was healthy otherwise, and switching docs was too much work.

When a shiny new medical center opened near us and I had a bad cold, I took the opportunity to try a new doc and never looked back.  Dr. L is a bit younger than I am, but very methodical.  The office is completely computerized and records from other practices appear like magic once I give consent.  Prescriptions are sent electronically so all I have to do is drive to Target and pick them up.  Test results appear online and I can *email* my doc with questions.  No more X-rays and Dr. L tends to prescribe stronger stuff earlier and also give me FAR more effective OTC options.

But my OB, Dr. A, is freakin' awesome.  She was the 4th doctor I saw after getting sick in Ireland, and the only one who prescribed anything worth a damn.  Literally within a day of taking the medication, I felt BETTER.  I lament all that lost vacation opportunity but I guess it just means we're going back to Ireland again someday. 

In general, she is a great listener, has lots of solutions like getting the right chair to alleviate pain and wearing wrist braces for tendonitis, is straight up about which OTC meds I can take (and isn't in the overly cautious "don't take anything, please suffer for your baby" school of thought), and runs tests to check out any concerns, even if it's a long shot. 

Now for some people this might not work - they don't want lots of blood draws, the tests alarm them, and they don't want prescriptions or OTC meds if they can help it.  But for me?  It's the perfect balance of being proactive without being alarmist. 

At the end of my pregnancy with T, I got an ultrasound to check on her fluid levels, and the doc there told me "this baby needs to be delivered in the NEXT FEW DAYS" and of course this was the one appointment I went to alone. I was only at 37 weeks and came out of there all OMG dude, really??

When I went back to see Dr. A the next day (after freaking out that I couldn't get a same-day appointment), she was very reassuring, and said, that yes, T was running low on fluid and it wasn't an ideal situation, but really, she only needed to come out within the next week and here, let's schedule a time that works for everyone.  *SO* much better for frazzled first-time parents.

Dr. A did a bang-up job on that C-section.  I was able to walk up and down stairs and carry the baby 2 days after the surgery, and by 3 weeks, was feeling great.  Or, as great as one can feel with broken sleep, anyway.

So I've got my fingers crossed that Baby X' will hang in there until our scheduled appointment with Dr. A.

What about you?  Got any techniques to find a great doctor?  I'd love to hear them!

I just wanna be loved by you

This is apparently a Weekend of Introspection.  Or something. 

Comments on my previous post got snarky.  This is pretty unusual for my blog since I generally tend not to write things that piss people off. Or if I do, no one's reading them.

I hate conflict, which is probably surprising since I'm so opinionated.  I think it's hardwired into my personality.  I dwell on stuff for days until it gets sorted out, or (worse!) slowly fades away.  It makes me unsettled and unhappy - that same feeling I got as a kid just before I got into trouble for something.

I've written before that I have low tolerance for people who bitch and moan about their problems but refuse to do anything about it.  (Which is funny because if you ask my husband I have a few of these where the solution is patently obvious to him.)  The judgmental comments I made on my last post are specifically in relation to this. 

Maybe if I were a better person, I wouldn't judge anyone or anything and leave it to the Great Hereafter or whatever.  But I can't.  If multiple people (who are not my BFFs) are going to bring their (similar) issues to me looking for validation on something I can't get on board with, I can't help but be irritated.

My first thought was to delete the thread or at the very least, my own comments to stem any further disagreement/disapproval.  But that doesn't really fix anything, as I still *feel* that way.

Life is too short to worry about what anonymous folks on the Internet think of me.  So what if they don't "like" me, as much as one can not "like" someone they've never met.  I do the same thing when I read a blog on something I vehemently disagree with and feel moved to comment on.

I'm starting to realize (and hate) that one of the things I'm getting from social networking, blogging, etc. is this sort of "validation" - this "yes, we agree, because you're like us".  Being part of a group and fitting in (however anonymously).  Of course this has been one of the themes of my life.  As much as I talk a good game, I'm not comfortable rocking the boat, being the non-conformist or *gasp*, having people "yell" at me.

This is part of the reason I stopped commenting entirely on political things on Facebook.  It was raising my blood pressure, and totally depleting any entertainment value or "fun" I was getting out of being on Facebook.  I'm not a person who enjoys a good argument.

I'm not sure what the solution is, besides practice, practice, practice at getting comfortable with conflict.  I can only imagine it will help me in sticky situations, since I'm long past being a kid who needs to worry about "good behavior". 

I guess it's a good lesson on cost-benefit analysis too.  Is my need to write about X or say Y big enough to withstand Z that I might hear as a result?  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  I often employ this at work and keep quiet as a result, though inside I'm raging at what people are saying.

In the end, I think it comes down to the specifics.  I think I get very wound up on hypothetical, philosophical discussions that are not serving me well. 

The real topic at hand is not the State of Maternity Leave in the US and whether Marissa Mayer's Personal Choices will affect it in any way.  That may be the new form of armchair entertainment in the blogosphere but in the end I'm not sure if it's useful.

What matters to me is whether my request for leave will be approved and whether I'll still have a job when I return.  And maybe keeping other people from sucking up my emotional bandwidth.

Ditching the "what's next" mindset

I cannot remember a time growing up where I wasn't being exhorted to prepare for the future. 
Seriously, in elementary school, our teachers said things like "In second grade, you won't be able to do x anymore, your teachers will expect you to do y."  Towards the end of elementary school they focused on what would be expected of us in middle school.  And of course in middle school, it was all about what we'd need to do in high school, and in high school what we needed for college.  In college, it still wasn't over - our professors and mentors talked about what PhD programs would expect or what we needed to put on our resumes to get a good job.

My parents were similar, but took a longer term view - for them it was all about education and getting into a good college and course of study, which would enable me to find a good job and be successful.

It's a natural thing to do, of course, since school has such a natural progression and both parents and teachers are shepherding kids through the growing-up-process to become contributing, well-adjusted adults.

But after hearing that for so many years, it's hard to break out of that mindset.  I work for a company that has a lot of smart and motivated people, and it seems to have led to an "up or out" culture, where you constantly need to "do more with less" and strive for that next promotion.

Our peers "trade up" all the time - new cars, new houses, new jobs where they make more money.  It's natural to want more, I guess.

But a few years ago I realized, to my great surprise, that I'm happy exactly where I am. 

I don't want a newer, more fancy house (though I wouldn't mind making some alterations to optimize our space).  I love our house, and we will likely live here until we move out of this state.

I love my car, which is nearly 7 years old now (and has just 40,000 miles on it!).  It might be nice to get the all wheel drive version, but otherwise, it's still great.

Job-wise, I'm satisfied, though nervous about how long I'll be "allowed" to work part-time.  But if I could, I'd do it indefinitely.  It works so well for us right now.  I don't need gobs more money, though of course, I wouldn't turn it down if it knocked on my door.

It took me a long time to accept this happiness and contentment for what it is.  I still struggle with it. 

When people ask me how old T is, my automatic response is "almost 3".  Which is true, but really, I'm not honoring where she is right now by saying that.  She's 2.  She'll be 2 for a few more months, and I won't get 2 back (though in some ways, hell, I don't want it back!).  So I remind myself that she is just 2, right now.  There's time for 3 later.

I spent a lot of time when I was a kid and a teenager wishing I was older.  I wasn't very happy, and wanted to fast-forward to a time when I would hopefully be happy.   I used to think things like "When I'm skinny, I'll be happier", or "When I get married I'll be happy".  Both of which were sort of true, but only because they catalyzed other changes in my life.  And now I'm most definitely not skinny, and the happiest I've ever been.  Who knew?

So I've arrived at Happiness and Contentment, and I'm cool to let things be.  To experience time as it goes by, without expectations or speeding up to the Next Big Thing.  10 more weeks as a mama of 1 - I'll take it, gladly.   Realizing I'll probably never go back to school and get that PhD?  Just fine with me.   Knowing I'll never be the CEO of any company with more than one employee?  Okee-dokee.

This isn't to say I don't have goals or things I want to work on.  But I'm not constantly watching and pursuing them, ignoring what's in front of me right now.

Life has gotten much better since I stopped keeping one eye on my next move forward.

Focusing on priorities

My favorite lesson from Laura Vanderkam's excellent 168 Hours was reframing "I don't have time for xyz" as "xyz is not a priority for me".  Sounds so simple, but it's brilliant.  If you are reasonably careful with your time, you will absolutely make time for the important things.

This is why I've been able to continue being crafty in some form or another even after T was born.  I know it'll be harder with Baby X' in the mix too, but something else will fall by the wayside and I will likely make time to be crafty, because it feeds my soul.

In the past few weeks I've made some hard decisions.  After posting my quandary about my Etsy shop, I decided to stop accepting custom orders even though business was good.  I realized it was stressing me out more than making me happy, and also realized I could be happy making non-custom pieces and posting them for sale on my schedule, instead of someone else's.  So I don't have to stop doing metal work or jewelry making entirely, but I can control my schedule a lot better this way.

Another practice that helped me crystallize what's important is doing "Morning Pages" from The Artist's Way.  I'll write more about this later with an official review next week, but the short version is that once a day I handwrite a couple of pages in a journal - stream of consciousness, to clear my mind.  This has some surprising results - I got a bunch of new ideas for things I could make for my shop and gave me the peace to stop doing custom orders.  It also gives me a short list of crafty and house projects I want to focus on for the next few days.  

One thing I love about being pregnant is the constant reminder that I am solely (for now) responsible for another human's well-being and the best way to care for her is to care for myself.  (Did I mention BabyX' is a girl?)  This makes it easy for me to be a lot more assertive about what I need. 


And one thing I definitely don't need now is emotional stress or drama.  A few weeks ago I blogged about some uncertainty with my job.  After talking it over with some trusted coworkers, I reframed my priorities.  While I need interesting work, even more than that, I want to keep my part-time schedule.  So I put the brakes on my frantic job search and just waited for a bit to see what would happen on my current team. 

As it turns out, I got some new responsibilities that are rocking my world, and I didn't have to go through the gauntlet of interviews or the awkward conversations around "hey, I'm pregnant and due in October *and* I also work part-time".  So life is good and I'm learning to live with a little ambiguity which is another good skill to have.

On the drama front, I received an email from someone I haven't spoken to in 15 years after a messy situation.  It was more complex than just "hey, how's it going, been a long time" and I agonized over what to do with it. Conventional wisdom would say it's been long enough, be the bigger person and accept the olive branch.  I could envision long email chains with friendly banter about current lives, raising kids, work, blah blah blah. 

When I first saw that email in my Inbox, I got a visceral gut feeling that was NOT good.  It was exactly the feeling you get when you're a kid and just about to get yelled at for something.  I was physically shaking when I saw it.  That surprised me.  When I thought more about exchanging email, being "friends", Facebooking and whatnot, it just made me tired.  I didn't want that.  I knew every email would feel like an obligation to be cheerful and witty, ask friendly questions, and pretend to care.

You know what?  I don't care.  I wish this person well but I don't want continued involvement.  I definitely don't want to rehash and analyze what happened 15 years ago.  I've worked out a lot of stuff since then and have NO desire to revisit it.


But I've got that ridiculous sensitivity about conflict.  I can't just let things go.  It didn't feel "nice" to drop this email into the bit bucket.  So I replied, tersely, and then gave myself permission to let it go.  It's weird how that worked for me.  Not responding to email #1 was bugging the heck out of me, until I did.  But choosing not to respond again to the reply?  It feels right.  I'm over it.


And that's how I know I've chosen the right priorities for myself.  This is why I revel in being a grownup who can make her own choices, and try to remember when dealing with BabyT to choose my battles very carefully.  I don't want her to feel like childhood is a long series of things you do to keep other people happy.  It's not a good way to raise an adult, because it's really hard to let go of that "programming".

It's still a work in progress...

About culture and self-identification

I've been meaning to write this post for a long time and have been drafting it in my head for months.   Hush's recent post on Elizabeth Warren (who sadly I hadn't heard of before this) was the kick in the pants I needed.

When someone asks me where I'm from, I tell them I'm originally from Pittsburgh. As any ethnic-looking person will tell you, this elicits a variety of responses.  Thankfully in culturally-aware Seattle, that's the end of the conversation.  In previous locations, I got my oh-so-favorite rude followup - "No, I mean, where are you REALLY from?"  Because brown people can't actually be from Pittsburgh, right?

When I was younger I was too nice to be confrontational and was trying to fit in, so I'd say something like "well, my parents came here from India" which is apparently the "real" answer they were looking for.  And then the questioner would compliment my English.  Sigh.  This really pissed me off for a long time and now that I live somewhere that people GET IT, I can finally laugh about it. 

The core of why this bothers me is because I self-identify primarily as American.  Or American with Indian ancestry.  I'll settle for Indian-American (IA), but honestly, the American part comes first for me.  (Which of course leads to confusion, because I'm not *that* kind of Indian...)

And that self-identification gave me a lot of grief from childhood on.  I'm sure I let down my parents and extended family by not being "Indian enough" - the classic 2nd generation struggle.   I stopped speaking Tamil pretty early, though I understood most of what people said to me. (In my defense, all of my relatives speak English.)

As a tween and teen, I hated wearing Indian clothing.  (It still feels unnatural to me.)  I didn't watch Hindi or Tamil movies or listen to the music from those films.  Most of my friends were white Americans.  I was really, really into 80s hair metal.  I am not religious.

A lot of this probably happened because of the time and place where I grew up.  The suburbs of Pittsburgh were not exactly a cultural melting pot.  I don't think I knew a single Latino there, and there were just a handful of Asian kids at any school I attended.  In my small Catholic middle school, I'm pretty sure I was the only one.  I was teased a lot.

But part of it was my personality (though I wasn't that self-aware at the time!). 

I couldn't understand my Indian-American friends who had "Indian friends only" parties and had separate gatherings with their non-Indian school friends.  For me, friends were friends and of course I'd invite them all if I was having a party. 

I didn't get it when my Indian-American friends said their summers spent in India with relatives were "like coming home" when all my trips to India made me feel like the foreigner I was, and I couldn't wait to get back to my familiar suburban American lifestyle and friends. 

I never joined the Indian Associations at college or grad school.  I didn't feel like I needed to specifically hang out with other Indians or Indian-Americans, though of course I have friends with those backgrounds.

I didn't exclusively date Indian or Indian-American guys, like a lot of my IA friends.  Sure, there was more explaining I had to do about family culture or religious traditions if my boyfriend wasn't of Indian descent, but really, it wasn't that hard or insurmountable.   I didn't feel like I *had* to end up with a partner of Indian ancestry for it to work out. 

As you can imagine, there was a big gap in what was expected of me and what I wanted.  For a long time I couldn't resolve this.  I'm a stubborn person and big on doing things my way, so I made the choices I needed to in order to be happy (wear what I want, date who I want, etc.) 

This caused me a lot of angst because I think Indian culture is a lot about fulfilling family expectations and deprioritizing individual preferences for family harmony.  Which of course is pretty much the diametric opposite of our American culture that emphasizes individual happiness over doing thingsto keep others happy.

Photo by Kristi Lloyd Photography

I talked through some of this with the couples counselor we spoke with for premarital counseling.  But I didn't work it out until I was pregnant with T.  I had a sort of epiphany.  This is who I am, and that is perfectly OK. 

Not having a strong tie to my Indian culture sounds bad, but only because that's what other people had been telling me.  I'm actually very happy with the choices I've made.  I want to be a strong, self-confident woman for my daughter.  I don't feel like I've "lost" anything, because if I did, I'd know where to find it again. And I simply don't want to.

I can't believe it took me 34 years to figure that out, but I'm so glad I did, because I can raise my daughter with confidence.  She will learn about loving foods from all cultures, learn about all religions and have respect for them and those who choose to opt out,  and forge her way through life, self-identifying as she chooses. 

Maybe she'll check the boxes for both White and South Asian.  Maybe she'll choose to learn Tamil when she gets older, or spend time in India.  Hopefully she'll be spared the angst I had.  Which is what all parents hope for their kids, right - that they'll have an easier time than we did?

And I hope she'll never have to answer "But where are you REALLY from?" or get compliments on her English.

Now I'm down in it

Having done this twice now, I maintain that the first trimester of pregnancy is HARD.  First, I wasn't really telling anyone I was pregnant, so I couldn't share what seemed like a HUGE secret.  And there seemed to be unnecessary stress worrying about how to explain to work colleagues, etc why I wasn't drinking at Happy Hour or eating sushi anymore.  (Self-imposed, likely since no one probably noticed or cares.)

But the moods - OH.MY.GOD.  By far that has been the worst.  When I was pregnant with BabyT, I was inexplicably ANGRY for most of my first trimester.  Work was very difficult to get through, as I had a job where I had to interact with a lot of people about a process they didn't want to follow.  Already a tenuous situation, I had to hold it together when I just wanted to tell people to do their f'in jobs, already.

This time, it was different, and worse.  Angry I can deal with, mostly by closing my office door and hiding out so I don't accidentally unleash on someone who doesn't deserve it or who does deserve it, but can negatively impact my career.

by Declan Colohan on Flickr

But no one told me about depression during pregnancy.  I didn't expect to lose all interest in crafting, keeping up on Project Life, hanging out with friends, or doing fun stuff with BabyT. 

I also got super irritable, and that combined with T being 2.5-- YUCK.  I was ridiculously tired as well (gotta love being pregnant) which led to some pretty miserable days. 

I don't doubt that it was the hormones that caused all this, plus the fact that my nausea led me to change my diet pretty drastically, away from Paleo and back to simple starches, because that was all I could tolerate.

Just the thought of going to see someone about it made me want to curl up and go to sleep - another appointment or commitment to deal with?  No thank you. 

It helped a tiny bit to find this Ask Moxie post, and realize I wasn't alone.   And thankfully, around week 10, it lifted.  (Otherwise I would have gone to talk to someone about it.)  What did help was: getting outside for walks and actually remembering to take my fish oil and vitamin D in addition to the regular vomit-inducing prenatal vitamin.

But it was scary how much it just seemed like "that's how life is", rather than a temporary/hormonal thing.  

Now, a few weeks later, it's so clear to me that it was the hormones.  I'm happy again, and interested in doing STUFF.  I don't sleep 12 hours a day, and only nap when I'm sick.  I'm nowhere near as irritable.  Though T being 2.5 is still hard.

So, I guess that's my Public Service Announcement.  It's also a reminder to myself to keep an eye on it over the next year or so.  My fabulous husband was also watching for it during and just after my last pregnancy, and knows to do it again this time. 

It's really hard to see when you're in the middle of it.

It's all about the hair

I got a haircut today.  We have family photos with the amazing Kristi Romain on Sunday.  And I forgot how much a good cut makes a difference.  I feel lighter and dare I say, a little happier.



yes, it's a sketchy webcam pic


I added some clover for the upcoming holiday :) I just discovered Piknik photo editing on Smugmug, but it looks like it's going away after April 19 after being acquired by Google. Sad - it looks like a fun set of tools.

I get my hair cut at the swanky salon at work. Yes, my company has a hair salon on its premises. Crazy, I know. But it's so convenient, and not terribly expensive. I found a stylist I like.

And you know how important it is to have a hair stylist you like, right??

The woman that did my hair for our wedding and several months afterwards, until she moved to Boston (sniff!) was amazing.  She'd give me haircuts I didn't even know I wanted, that were sheer perfection.  She convinced me to get deep red highlights on a regular basis (and it was awesome, just more upkeep than I want to deal with now.)

After she moved, I was a little lost in the styling department.  I tried tons of different folks but didn't really click with any.  A lot of folks don't understand the texture of my hair - it's got a bit of waviness to it - just enough to keep it from lying flat, but not enough to do anything interesting.  It responds well to round brush straightening, except that I'm horrible at it.  (Until I discovered the flat iron!)  So people who want to use that texturizing razor thingy, DO NOT get near my hair.  It needs no additional texture, I promise you.

After pregnancy, weird things happened to my hair.  It got even more wavy, to the point that some of it is downright curly.  (Of course not all of it, so it just looks odd.)  And of course, since that time, I have even less time and inclination to put a lot of effort into it.

But my current hair stylist Kathryn gets it.  She's been cutting my hair for about 3 years now and I'm always pleased.  This time has been my favorite, maybe because it was such a mess when I went in.  Now it's cute and short and sleek.  Which won't last long, but I'll enjoy it for now.

The one thing I have gotten better at?  Not buying the recommended (overpriced) styling products.  Now that Target has fancy hair products, I can get what I need *when I need it* and not be pressured into buying at the salon.

So - do YOU have a hair stylist you love?

Livin' the dream



this is why we do it

In honor of International Womens' Day, I'm contributing to the Blog Carnival hosted by feMOMhist on how I got the life I wanted.

I'm not sure if I've ever explicitly stated it, but I really am Living The Dream.  Not in a snarky, sarcastic way, but FOR REAL. I came to the realization only recently that it IS under my control.  It may not be easy, or the accepted "right" way to do things, but it's in my power to get what I want out of life.

For the first 24 years of my life, I did what was expected of me, for the most part.  Got good grades, went to fancypants Institute of Technology, set off to get a PhD in Molecular Biology.

Until one day I realized the path I was on was *not* what I wanted.

At that point, it took me only 2 months to get on a new train, the one that took me to my current destination.  I quit grad school, got a job in technology consulting despite having NO experience in the field, ditched the guy who was all wrong for me, and started a friendship with the man who is now my husband.

What can I say?  When I know what I want, I go after it, and quickly.

Four years of Traveling Consulting Job led to my seriously awesome job as a Program Manager at Microsoft.  The boyfriend (now husband) came to Seattle with me, and became the fiance, then finally (!) The Husband.  Somewhere in there, two dogs came to live with us and we bought a house together, despite (oh no!) not being married yet.

On a whim, I decided to take a Project Manager job at a local startup to see what life was like at a tiny company.  Turns out it wasn't for me - I missed Microsoft too much.  So I came back in 2008, and it was easy-peasy to get back in - a favorite previous manager had an open spot on his team.  I've been there ever since, and even managed to negotiate a sweet part-time gig after maternity leave with Miss Baby in 2010.

So that's where the big parts of the story fell into place.  The Blog Carnival is focusing on the day-to-day of How We Make It Work.  Honestly, for me that's the easy part.  Once I know *what* I want, I can usually figure out some way to get it.  I guess that's the Project Manager in me - the devil is in the details, but the details are easy for me to wrangle.

The Work Situation

As I mentioned before, I work part-time.  I work 20 hours a week, which is half-time.  I spend two days in the office, though it'll be closer to 2.5 now that Miss Baby is in preschool 3 days a week (and I'll likely increase my hours just a tiny bit).  This enables me to spend the other weekdays at home with BabyT.  When I'm at work, she's at preschool. 

I drop her off and TJ picks her up, so we stagger our schedules.  He goes into work ridiculously early (6am) so he can pick her up at 4pm.  He works a full time+ schedule at a tech company and his job is fairly demanding.

Our priority is for her not to spend too many hours away from home - she had been in daycare for 2 approx 8-hour days before preschool started this month.

If T is too sick to go to child care/school, we assess whose day will be disrupted least.  My work days are more "precious" since I'm not in the office much, so we try to protect those.  Sometimes we trade off - I'll go in for important meetings, and then TJ will go to work later in the day.

My parents are in town part of the year, about 15 min from where we live, so during those times, they're also happy to spend time with T if she's too sick for school, or I need to go in to work on an extra day.  They also just like it when she hangs out at their place, so I drop her off there about once a week when they're around.  It's very nice :)

The Home Situation

Our lifesaver is the woman who comes to clean our house every 2 weeks.  She spends only 2 hours cleaning, but gets all the stuff we don't want to do: bathrooms, primarily, but manages to vacuum and change sheets as well.  We do some interim vacuuming/kitchen cleaning ourselves.

Right now we're trying to cut expenses, so we ditched the Yard Guy.  It's winter, so not an issue now, but come Spring we'll need to reassess.  I HATE yard work/weeding with a passion and in this rainy climate we get a lot of weeds.

I handle chores like laundry and dishes most of the time, with occasional help from TJ.  He handles the finances and bills, and fixes stuff that breaks.  He also does most of the Dog Maintenance and vet visits, as I'm usually the one to take T to her various appointments on my days off (doctors, physical therapy, etc.)

I do a lot of the errandy stuff like Target runs and making appointments.  So far I've been packing T's lunches.  I do most of the grocery shopping, though TJ also does some.  He does a lot of Baby Maintenance in evenings (bedtime) and weekends (mornings when I can sleep in!!).  He's much better at just sitting on the floor playing with her than I am.  I guess I always feel like we need to be *doing* stuff, though I'm getting better about that.

Now that T has both Little Gym and Spanish on weekends, we split those up.  He takes her to Little Gym, and I take her to Spanish (and usually a restaurant for dinner afterwards).  This gives us each a little chunk of "alone time" in the house.

We use Google Calendar to track our home stuff (link will take you to my post about it.  We're fanatical about being home from wherever we are in time for T's naptime and bedtime (noon and 6:15pm, respectively) so for now that dictates our schedule.  It also makes it easy for one of us to slip out and do something fun in the evenings with friends - the person left at home gets a quiet house, and since T is normally a good sleeper, there's not much to do on the toddler front either.

We eat out more than we should, though it goes in spurts.  I try to cook something on weekends that'll last a few days.  Some weeks are better than others.  That's one area I'm still working on to try and get into a rhythm.  Thing is, I LIKE eating out, so I'm not sure it's something we'll ever fully eliminate.


And that's about it for our logistics.  If you read this far, congratulations :)  If you want to participate in the Blog Carnival, wander on over to FeMOMHist and look at the details.  Also, leave your link here because I want to be sure to read it :)

On productivity and being kind to yourself

Grumpy Rumbings of the Untenured posted recently about why people whine about their lack of productivity.  It got me thinking, because I love discussions on productivity, tips and tricks, and anything related to time-management.

I'm in a slump.  I'm getting the bare minimum done around the house. I'm two weeks behind on Project Life (sad!), do laundry when we run out of something (it's usually TJ's socks) and lately our meals have been a lot of assembled leftovers and random fridge-pantry antipasti.  I call it that because it sounds better than "I found some freeze dried raspberries, deli ham and some nuts.  Let's eat those for lunch."

So right now, I'm not maximizing my productivity.  I'm keeping things running (just barely).  I've ditched any unnecessary tasks, because I just don't feel like doing them.  I've declined some play dates for T because our calendar is pretty full with 3 days of preschool, Little Gym, and Spanish class.

And instead of beating myself up about it, I'm ok with all of that. 

I don't think we as Americans, and maybe it's specific to women, cut ourselves enough slack.  It seems like there's some kind of reward or goal to being busy ALL THE TIME.  We talk about how much we're doing, how our schedules are packed, how we manage to balance work + home + hobbies + kids + marriage + exercise and fall into bed exhausted after our 18 hour days, only to wake up at 6am and start all over again.

Yes, it's a nice compliment when people say "I don't know how you do it."  But you know what else is nice?  Lounging on the couch with a book while your toddler plays quietly nearby.  No playdate, no planned enrichment activity, no frantically trying to complete chores while the kid is occupied.  Just quiet, and two people engrossed in something they like.

I've read 6 or 7 books in the last month which is more fiction than I read all of last year. 

I haven't organized our digital photos like I planned, or finished the 2011 photo book (or 2010 for that matter!).  Our pantry is still a disaster zone and the IKEA space saving shelves I bought are still in their original packaging, unassembled.

But you know what?  That's ok.  I don't feel like doing that stuff now.  My family isn't suffering because I didn't do it.  I'm being kind to myself, and true to my One Little Word, REDUCE, by not doing this extra credit work.

Today I sat down and made a necklace *for myself*.  I never make stuff for myself - nearly everything goes into the shop.  I know I could sell it, but I wanted an extra-long chunky necklace.  So this one is mine:

I do have one little tip for those who are feeling slumpy and sluggish.  Choose just one or two things you *must* get done (no more than two!).  Do those first, or as soon as you can get them out of the way.  Then be kind to yourself and allow yourself to do NOTHING the rest of the day.  You finished your must-dos, which is an accomplishment in itself.  Give yourself credit for that.

Be kind to yourselves, people.

Why I Hate Pinterest

I know, shocking, right?  You'd think with all the crafty stuff I do, I'd love it.

My hatred of Pinterest has reached an all-time high because *everyone* in my Facebook feed is raving about xyz they found on Pinterest, how much time they're spending on Pinterest, and "OMG Guys!  Have you seen Pinterest?!"  Scratch that - it only seems to be women who are using Pinterest.

I. Can't. Take. It.

I was "lucky" to get an invite to a year ago.  I had no idea what it was but some of my crafty friends were trying it out, and raving about it.  I logged in, pinned a couple of things and promptly forgot about it.  It just wasn't fun or useful to me.

Fast-forward several months, and it's starting to become "a thing".  There are little "pin it" buttons on websites.  Anytime you ask someone about a cute craft or yum food they made, they say "I found it on Pinterest."

Why I hate it:

1.  It's visually overwhelming

I'm not a visual person AT ALL.  So a grid of pretty pictures is nice enough but does nothing for me.  I capture projects I want to tackle in OneNote and make copious notes in addition to grabbing a photo and a link.  In fact, when I see a page full of those pinboards, it's overwhelming to my brain to see that many photos together.

2.  It encourages a culture of "pinning just for the sake of it"

People seem to want to create pinboards for other people to appreciate and "follow", or whatever the appropriate term is.  Who knows if it's really a list of things that speak to their soul - it just seems like one of those pointless games on Facebook, like managing your virtual farm.   I feel the same way about the Etsy Treasury - people make them with a certain "look" to try to get selected for Etsy's front page.

3.  It discourages action

It encourages its users to waste more time pinning and wishing.  I feel this way about TV and Facebook, too.  Junk TV is fun to watch and balm for the brain, but at some point you have to switch it off and get the heck off your couch.  At least with Facebook I am getting *some* marginal use, because I'm strengthening friendships.  But you know what's better?  Taking a walk, cooking, or hanging out *in person* with someone you like.  LauraC blogged about this a few months ago.

4.  It discourages creativity and encourages copying

This is not new - there have always been people online trolling Etsy for craft ideas.  But the popularity of Pinterest has taken this to a new level.  It encourages folks to just re-use others' ideas, and by giving us such an easy way to share and store them, it squelches creativity.   Why should I figure out a cool idea for Valentines in my daughter's class when I can just troll Pinterest and choose from the many options there?  On a more insidious level, why not copy some idea I saw on Pinterest and sell it at a craft fair or on Etsy myself and make some easy cash?  I hate that the popularity of Pinterest makes this so much easier and more widespread.

5.  It makes me feel stressed out and inadequate
Yes, I realize this is my own personal problem, but I suspect it affects a lot of others as well.  As a working mom, I can imagine buying those preprinted Valentines-in-a-box, but after trolling Pinterest, how dare I?  What kind of mother would deny her child the opportunity to make handcrafted, individual treat jars with homemade baked goods for all of her classmates? 


And wow, look at all those cool home decor ideas.  Wouldn't it be awesome if I could do all those?  Oh look, here's another 20 things to add to my To-Do list.  Just what I needed.  Honestly, just *looking* at the cool projects on Pinterest makes my blood pressure rise.

Borrowed from I Love Charts on Tumblr

I'm not saying Pinterest shouldn't exist, or that it doesn't serve a real, useful purpose to many people.  It does.  It's well-designed, a smart idea, and gorgeous.  But these reasons are why *I* don't use it.  Why I haven't added a "find/follow/pin/whatever me on Pinterest" button to my blog.  Why I want to scream when another person on Facebook displays a project copied from Pinterest.

I'm all for DIY, being more crafty and doing fun stuff with kids.  But I wish people would have done these things before Pinterest, or in spite of Pinterest.  Not because of it.