Quitting before I start

As always, I have a tendency to take on more projects than I can reasonably handle.  I'm all "ooh, shiny!" about new things, especially crafty ones, and before I know it, I have 37 things competing for my very limited non-sleeping, non-baby-nursing-changing-soothing, non-preschooler-entertaining, non-housework time.  

Here's the list of what I'm supposedly doing right now:

1. Easing back into Paleo eating - this week, no sugar.  Failed miserably thanks to Halloween.
2. Meal planning and actual cooking (as opposed to eating out or heating up Frozen Things.)
3. 30 Days of Thankful mini-scrapbook album
4. Cut It Out Silhouette online crafty class at Studio Calico
5. Project Life
6. Finishing the mini-scrapbook of T and my trip to Portland in July
7. Setting up the class photo sharing site for T's preschool
8. Staying on top of laundry (how does one tiny person generate so much?!)
9. NaBloPoMo
10. Setting up my December Daily mini scrapbook album once the kit shows up mid-month
11. Crafty projects for Christmas gifts (calendars, photobooks, M's birth announcement)
12. Sending out holiday cards (end of month)
13. Understanding and enrolling in my health insurance plan for next year
14. Creating and submitting some cards and scrapbook layouts for publications
15. Submitting an application or two for crafty "creative teams"
16. Selling craft supplies I'm no longer using online
17. Making pet ID tags for a few repeat Etsy customers who requested them

It sounds insane when I spell it out, doesn't it?  So I'm likely to ditch NaBloPoMo and slow the clock WAY down on the non-time-sensitive crafty projects.  I'll probably save 2012's photo book for January.  

We can check off "voting" as complete.

I've made great progress on the Portland trip mini album - the whole album is assembled and my photos are printed, and everything is together in one box.  It can rest while I complete some of these other things.

I can't ever seem to get it together in time to make stuff for craft magazine publication calls. I think I have so many projects going, that making cards specifically for the themes requested is way, way down on the list.  I might need to let this one go.  Same for applying to "creative teams", which is basically free labor.  Companies send you free stuff, and in exchange, you make projects with them  and tout their wares.  Sounds like a lot of fun, but it's work with specific deadlines.

What I need to make a priority is my health.  I'm one of those lucky people who loses weight relatively easily while breastfeeding, so if I can harness that chi and combine it with eating right for my body (which is definitely Paleo), I think I can get things under control without having to commit to a major exercise program or restricted diet.  

Now that T is older, I'm also starting to realize the importance of setting a good example.  We tell her she can only have one "treat food" a day, so it doesn't make sense for her to see us chowing down on candy bars and soda multiple times.  

I spend NO time on meal planning - we just shop a couple of times a week and put together meals from what we have so it's often very random.  And then there are MANY times where none of it sounds good so we end up going out.  I need more of a plan, and more stuff prepared ahead of time.  Now that it's fall, I can start using the crockpot again - making a batch of oatmeal weekly has been working quite well.  Not rocket science, but it requires dedicated time.

So while I should be the proud owner of an "I'd rather be crafting" bumper sticker, I do need to cut back on all the open projects.  Right now it's just going to be 30 Days of Thankful, and Project Life since they're time sensitive and I've made great progress on both.

Priorities.  I'd love your take on this.  What do you think is important, and what should go?

What I eat really does matter

For about six months, I haven't been eating much in the way of empty carbs:  bread, pasta, cereal, refined sugar.  Mind you, I haven't been anywhere close to perfect - I've gone off the rails in a spectacular ball of fire from time to time, but for whatever reason, this "way of eating" has stuck with me.  I've been refining it a bit, going from Atkins to Whole30 to a more sustainable Paleo gig.  I still have work to do to make it automatic - planning meals, cooking for the week, the usual things I complain about.


Last night, I learned a valuable lesson.  What I eat affects EVERYTHING.  I suspected as much during the past few months, but I'd chalk it up to "experimentation" and order dessert, raid the bread basket, or eat more cheese than could be considered "garnish" (we gave up dairy too).  I wanted to feel like I could "splurge" or "celebrate", or "cheat".  Any small joy I experienced by eating something "unapproved" was completely obliterated a few hours later, when I felt tired, sluggish, or had icky stomach-related symptoms.

This was painfully clear yesterday.  I met a former coworker for Happy Hour at my FAVORITE 21+ bar/restaurant in town.  I ate ancho-chile chicken wings there (not super healthy but not horribly bad either).  I also had a taco, with its tiny bit of cheese and the flour tortilla.  I had a margarita, which I haven't had in AGES.  And believe me, this place does it RIGHT.  Not Paleo-approved, but not ridiculously horrible, or so I thought.

After that, I drove over to the wonderful restaurant Tilth in Seattle, which I've been wanting to try for ages, to meet up with Shalini.  I had a snooty salad, with a bit of cheese. I couldn't resist the (very small) Theo chocolate cake for dessert.  It was tiny, so I figured no harm, right?  It delighted me.  It was rich, and soft and not too sweet, just the way I like it.  I was satisfied with a few bites, so I left some behind.  I inhaled the delicate whipped cream topping and also a bite of S's divine blood orange/pistachio ice cream thing. 

I went home, went to bed, and slept VERY poorly.  My stomach was NOT HAPPY - I woke up feeling like I had a tight rubber band around my midsection.  The diet Cokes I had at Happy Hour made it hard for me to fall asleep.  I KNOW that I can't have caffeine after 2pm or so, but I tend to ignore that when I really want a diet Crack.  Sigh.  I tossed and turned, and even though BabyT obligingly slept until 8am (unheard of in these parts), I felt like garbage when I woke up.

But it wasn't just physical. 

This morning I was in a BAD mood.  That one stinkin' margarita made me wake up feeling gross and dry, despite the umpteen glasses of water I drank through dinner.  I was still tired.  I was ridiculously craving carbs - all I could think about was thick, fresh baked white bread, or hot cereal.  Or even crappy white sandwich bread. It was a demon awakened inside me.  My patience was short, and let me tell you, with a 2 year old, it's already stretched on a GOOD day.

Of course it didn't help that I didn't have time to eat breakfast before running off to Little Gym with BabyT.  I scarfed two hardboiled eggs when I got home and about 15 minutes later, started feeling normal again. 

egg surfin' by wickamoo on Flickr

But all day, those carb cravings plagued me.  Nothing we had in the fridge sounded good.  I ate one of T's granola bars (sigh) under the pretense of "sharing" it with her.  (I ate 98% of it.)  I couldn't stop thinking about a huge plate of pasta, or mac n cheese, or ... you get the idea.  I was tired and sluggish and cranky.  I napped while she napped.  I lounged on the couch all afternoon while she played nearby.  Not a good mama-day, that's for sure.

I am absolutely sure now that what I eat DIRECTLY affects my mood as well as my body.  The physical aspect is pretty clear - eating dessert now makes me nauseous about an hour later, exactly like it had when I was taking metformin for baby-making reasons.  (It regulates insulin response and made me really sick if I ate a bunch of sugar or drank wine.)

And eating those empty carbs and sugar just makes me want more of them, and makes me completely uninterested in the stuff I'm "supposed" to eat which starts this vicious spiral of bad food -> feeling crappy->more bad food -> more feeling crappy.


I know a lot of people will think that the way I'm "supposed to eat" is unsustainable.  That we need grains and sugar and pasta, for crying out loud.  But honestly, it's not.  Eating Paleo and keeping it up has been surprisingly easy for me, IF I AM CONSISTENT.  My mood is unbelievably good, I'm never hungry, I eat vegetables and I like it.  As soon as I go too far off the rails, it becomes HARD.  I don't want to do it.  I get back into that resistant, depressed, apathetic mindset.

I've been in that place for half my life - the place where "eating right" is some kind of punishment, where I ignore my hunger and eat rice cakes that taste like cardboard, where I feel like I'm weak-willed and if I could just get it together, I'd lose those 40 extra lbs I've been carrying since I was a teenager. I don't want to be in that place.

I've seen the land of sunshine and fuzzy puppies, where I can eat real food, not be hungry, and feel strong, awake, and energized.  Where nothing seems impossible, I don't crave an afternoon nap, and I feel rested after 7-8 hours of sleep.  Where it's not something I "have to follow", it's just how I eat, and it makes me feel good, both physically and emotionally.  I'm also a lot less fixated on "the number" as a measure of my success, and it's more about how I feel.  Yeah, I feel THAT good when I'm doing it right.  So strange.

I'm ready to go there now.  Again.

One Little Word - My 2012 Theme

It's funny how things are interconnected online.  Andrea, who was one of the people behind Mondo Beyondo, blogged about her word of the year for 2011.  Turns out she was inspired by Ali Edwards, who does this One Little Word project each year and is a big name in the papercrafty/scrapbooking world. 

On a side note, Ali's OLW post has 880+ comments (!).  WOW.  I can't even imagine.

I was trying to figure out a theme for this year to guide my overall goals, rather than make (and break) specific resolutions.  As I mentioned in my last post, I thought of the word 'LESS'.  I need to simplify things - our house clutter, our schedules, projects, acquiring less "stuff".  I also need to weigh less.  Like, a lot less.  So I thought that would be a good word.

But after reading Andrea's post about being careful what word you choose, for what it invites into your life, I thought LESS might be too negative.  Or at least, open the door to negative things, like less money, less friendship, less fun.  Yikes!  Nobody wants that.

(And I'm telling you, I believe in the juju Andrea talks about, after taking her class!)

But SIMPLIFY doesn't quite describe what I want either, since I'm not simplifying my weight.  I thought a little more and came up with REDUCE.  That seems more conscious, like I'm getting rid of stuff I don't need, but still keeping what's important.

It also has that nice eco-friendly vibe, as in "Reduce Reuse Recycle", which thanks to Jack Johnson, I am now singing his cover of "3 is a Magic Number" from Schoolhouse Rock. Random, I know.

borrowed from wychavon.gov.uk recycling page

Yesterday I had a chat with Amy Kubal, one of the Whole 9 folks.  She's an R.D. who focuses on Paleo eating.  She's written up a plan for me, including some simple (short!) exercise I can do at home.  It's been 3 years since I went to the gym (!) and I haven't done much exercise at all since I got pregnant with T.  The eating plan will be focused around how to get set up once a week to make sure I've got enough food to get us through the whole week.  (TJ says the problem boils down to buying 6 days' worth of food every week - the 7th day is when it all goes bad.)

But obviously, where the rubber meets the road is whether I actually *stick* to the plan.  That's the hard part.  I feel cautiously optimistic, given past history.  But I know I do better on a Paleo diet - I FEEL better, I sleep better, and I'm NEVER ravenously hungry.  If I could just get a handle on stocking the house and cooking ahead of time, I'd WIN.  (Tips appreciated!)

So what's your word or theme for the year?  If you blog about it, leave me a link in the comments!  I love reading other peoples' goals and resolutions.

Whole30 - All done! Hooray! Woohoo!

I thought I would post more about the Whole30 challenge that we did this past month.  But honestly, after the first couple of difficult weeks, it became sort of...routine.  Like, "this is just the way we eat now."  Which is really, really great, for someone who can't stick to a typical "diet" for more than a few weeks.

So, the wrap-up.  I should have taken my measurements as well as my weight, but I forgot.  But in completely awesome news, I lost 5.5 pounds in 30 days.  Woot!

I know that doesn't sound like much, for such a drastic new way of eating, but this is why I'm so freakin' excited about it:

1.  Losing an average of *more* than a pound per week is unheard-of for me.  I have always lost weight very, very slowly.  Glacially.

2.  I DID NOT HAVE TO BE HUNGRY.  Not once.  I ate until I was satisfied.  Sure, I couldn't stuff my face with everything I wanted, but not being hungry made me far less likely to *really* want things.

3.  I ditched the diet Coke habit.  On the few times I "slipped" and ordered one while eating out, it didn't even taste all that good.  So I think I'm done.  Good riddance. On a related note, I can now drink tea without sweetener, and like the taste of sparkling water.

4.  I proved to myself I *can* adopt a drastic new way of eating and stick to it for more than a couple of weeks.  And not hate every minute of it.  It really helped me to frame it as "I'm *choosing* to do this", not that I *have* to, or someone's *making* me.

5.  I was starting from a better place than most who do this.  I had already given up grains and sugar, so I didn't get the bonus of the huge water loss at the beginning.  All told, I'm down 13 pounds since I started Atkins in July. 
6.  Did I mention I lost nearly 6 pounds?  And the more amazing thing?  I did not exercise ONCE during this whole month. I'm not bragging about that, because it's something I want to get back into once I can figure out how to fit it into our schedule.  But no exercise, no hunger and I lost 6 pounds?  Holy. Crap.

7.  Eating "clean" really agrees with me.  I cannot argue with how *awake* I feel, how I need less sleep, and don't want to nap anymore.

Today BabyT and I had breakfast with friends in Seattle. We went to one of my all time favorite breakfast joints, The 5 Spot.  I gave myself permission to order a non-Whole30 approved breakfast.  When I saw pumpkin pancakes on their menu, I knew it was fate.  But, when they arrived, I only ate one and a little piece of the second.  That was enough for me. I *like* the new way of eating.  So I think I'm going to stick to it.

The person who should *really* be blogging about Whole30?  My fabulous husband, who surprised me by even agreeing to do this in the first place, and who was instrumental in keeping me on track.  Just knowing that he was doing it made me choose better food.  He was starting from a more difficult place than I did - tons of sugar, Coke and lots of white bread products.  He lost a jaw-dropping 22.5 pounds in 30 days.  Yeah, you read that right.

I'll admit to a slight bit of envy when he told me that, but more than that, I am so darn proud of what we both accomplished in a short 30 days.  The next thing I want to tackle is consciously eating more vegetables.  We did better, because of all the cooking, but I found myself eating a lot of protein and nuts, and not as many veggies as I could have.

Yay!!!

Whole30 - holy crap! Handcrafted Life Plan, Part VI

As I mentioned before, I had been following the new Atkins plan, which was a radically different way for me to eat. I'd always been stuck in the high-carb/low fat mode of dieting and it sort of worked when I was *really* strict about it, but mostly didn't.

Atkins worked great when I was focused on counting and tracking carbs, and not making small allowances for breading on chicken, or a little sugar in BBQ sauce, etc. I lost about 10 lbs and have kept it off, but have completely fallen off the wagon with respect to tracking my carb intake online.

And a few times, I have completely crashed and burned by eating horrible sugary or bread things I didn't even want in the first place. I'm all for consciously eating treats as a once-in-a-while special occasion gig, but eating the rest of the organic Ritz-like crackers left over from T's birthday party? *So* not necessary.

I've been floundering along for the past couple of weeks, still doing pretty well about not eating empty white carbs and focusing on protein and salads. Not awesome, but still, much better than I was doing pre-Atkins.
But my Starbucks chai (Sugar City) habit has caught up with me again (and I'm guessing even the 1-pump, whole milk option is not really doing me any favors.)

This week I was struggling with what to cook for dinner. BabyT is pretty adventurous when she wants to be, so I don't like to deliberately cook something she can't eat due to her dairy allergy. I've been leafing through my cookbooks in an uninspired way, looking for something that doesn't have dairy, but also isn't pasta, potato or bread-based.

I posted my dilemma on Google+, and got a most excellent suggestion to look into the Paleo diet. Personally, I don't give a rats ass about what our caveman ancestors ate - I think that's a handy gimmick to market this way of eating. It's very similar to many of the "low/slow/no empty carb" diets. But upon looking closer, it addresses some of the things I wasn't really comfortable with about Atkins:
1. No fake sweeteners
2. No marketing of shakes, bars, and other fakey diet foods
3. No need to count or track anything, as long as you keep to decent portion sizes.
4. Fruit is ok to eat daily, in small portions (Atkins suggests eliminating it entirely for the first phase and only introducing a tiny bit of berries later.)
5. Sweet potatoes are ok.  Carrots are ok.  I miss those things.

What scared me about it?

1. No more Splenda or stevia in my tea.
2. No more cheese (wah!). No dairy at all, actually.
3. It requires a LOT of cooking. All whole foods, nothing from a mix or a box or prepared by the grocery store.
4. No legumes (including soy). I'm not yet convinced about this one but I understand their rationale about getting more protein from high quality animal sources.

Since I'm already halfway there, having dropped the empty carbs and sugar from my diet, I figured the transition might not be too rough. And then I found this:



It's a 30 day challenge to eat only whole foods. No grains, no dairy, no sugar, no fake sugar. I'm a sucker for short challenges, because after doing Atkins Induction phase successfully for 14 days, I know I can do this. Then I can re-evaluate after the 30 days, right? And the site discusses introducing some of the restricted things back into your diet, like cheese (yay!).

Even better, I convinced TJ to give it a try. Which makes it easier for me to justify all that cooking. And since it's no dairy, T can eat everything I'm making, which is awesome.

I know I'm going to feel really good once I get into this style of eating. About 2 weeks into Atkins, I felt AMAZING. Seriously, this is not an infomercial. I didn't need to nap mid-day anymore. I slept well at night. I felt more clear-headed than usual, and with tons of energy. But once I started to slip and let in more little carbs here and there, that awesomeness went away :(
Last night, I made up a huge grocery list of what we'd need to get us through the next week or so. I knew I'd need to go to at least 2 stores to find everything, but I remembered my old friend Amazon Fresh, and placed an order for most of it online. Now I just need to make another short trip to Whole Foods to get some of the remaining items and I'll be ready to go! (And $100 poorer, I suspect.)

So, as T says, "here we go mama!". Wish us luck.

handcrafted life plan, the 3rd installment

Ahhh, the Las Vegas trip was just what I needed. Sun (ok, maybe too much of that). Adult beverages.  Fancy food and In N Out burger.  Relaxed vacation time with TJ. No worries about scheduling activities before naptime or bedtime. Gambling (yay!). Winning (more yay!).

BabyT had a GREAT time with my parents and remembered we were "on pacation" and seemed to be cool with that. We were really happy and energized to see her after several days.  Win-win.

Photo by angietorres on Flickr

In my Inbox today was a newsletter from the I Will Teach You to be Rich blog. In my binge consumption of personal productivity blogs, I started reading this one again and subscribed to his newsletter.  It's mostly about personal finance and increasing your wealth but has some good content on the psychology of why it's so hard to "just do it", whatever that right thing is, be it saving money, losing weight, or figuring out how to quit your day job and follow your passion.

Well, today's newsletter was about some short exercises you could do to focus on a goal for the next 12 months.  How freakin' timely! 

I decided to tackle the weight loss thing first because of all the brain space I've been using for it, when I could be using that space and computing power for something much more interesting.

I've already gotten started by following the "new" Atkins eating plan for the past 2 months, drastically reducing my carb intake (with some slip ups, but not nearly as many as I expected).  That's a post topic on its own so I won't go into details now.

The goal setting exercise, originally written by Susan Su, had a series of questions designed to be answered as specifically as possible about the vision you have for your life after achieving your goal.   Of course this visualization technique isn't new, but I liked the short question format, and the fact that the exercise was designed to last about 20 minutes so I couldn't get caught up in writing up the document perfectly or formatting, or stupid stuff like that.  Using those answers, I boiled down my goal into a concise statement that I'm supposed to post in places where I'll see it often.

So here it is.  My goal by Labor Day 2012 is this:

• Body weight of 128-136 lbs via
• Atkins/low-carb eating plan and
• At least 15 min of exercise daily

I realize I could have just stopped with the weight goal, but I've got health concerns that will be alleviated by a low-carb diet long term (huge family history of diabetes, to name one).  And I know that just 15 min of exercise will dramatically improve my energy levels and my mood so I'd like to keep that as well.  Not to mention I fail to see how I could maintain my weight without it. 

If you're interested in setting your own weight loss 12 month goal, here are the questions I used, which I revised from Susan & IWT's financially-worded ones.

In a year:

• What will I weigh?  (you could also use a different metric here, like BMI or body fat %)
• What will I look like and what will I wear?  (this is a HUGE motivator for me.  I love clothes.  be specific about sizes, styles, stores, etc.)
• How much exercise will I be doing?
• What will I be eating?
• How will I feel?
• What will my health be like?  (name specific health measurements or conditions here)
• What will my family and friends think?
• What does my Tuesday look like?  (pick a working day for this)
• What does my Saturday look like?  (pick a weekend/non-working day)

I'd love to hear about the questions that you'd add to this list.  From this exercise, you're supposed to develop a roadmap on how to get to that goal. 

My plan, a la ZenHabits, is to pick one habit to alter each month. I haven't mapped out the 12 months yet, but the first month was an easy choice for me - track my carb intake and weight each day.

I HATE tracking stuff, and this is where I go off the rails, but I've found that when I don't track, I don't pay attention.  Or I guesstimate... poorly.   The online tracker I use is pretty simple and doesn't have that much overhead.  So I've got to figure out how to remember to do this.   If I actually track as per Atkins plan requirements, I can figure out how many carbs I can eat and still lose weight.  And I'm a girl who loves those carbs, so really, it's in my best interest to keep track.

So there it is.  One easy-to-define, but hard-to-execute goal for the next year.  Wish me luck.

I am gonna stand my ground

I actually miss blogging. I guess there is some part of me that needs to write something other than an email imploring someone for the 36th time to update their compliance data in the database I manage for work.
So it’s nearly the end of April and no sign of spring yet in Seattle. For some reason, I hadn’t really noticed until other people started complaining about it. That must mean I’m getting used to the dreary greyness. We have had a few sunny days, or at least partially sunny/dry days so I’ve been able to take T out for a walk. She really likes being outside and watching the world from her stroller, so she’ll often ask for “walk? park?”. Which is good motivation for me. Gotta model those healthy habits, right?

And speaking of healthy habits, gaah. We got the photos back from Trillian’s 18 month photo shoot at Seattle Art Museum with our favorite photographer. They’re gorgeous. Except for the handful which accent exactly how out of shape I am. It’s always a photo that does that, right?

When I signed up (again) for Weight Watchers online in December, I made a promise to myself that I would keep paying for it until I got into the habit of actually using it, and following it. Not necessarily to perfection, but just enough to track what I’m eating and you know, try to give a damn. As usual, I do really well the first couple of weeks, and then there’s one day where I get really busy and forget to track, and the next thing I know, it’s 3 weeks later and I’m back to eating bread pudding from Whole Foods because there isn’t anything else around that I want to eat for dinner. T’s picky-toddler food of sausage, soybeans, and sushi rice just doesn’t appeal to me, oddly enough.

It’s all about the planning. If I make sure that I have reasonably healthy choices, and actually do the shopping, and make it a point to eat before I’m ravenous, it’s a piece of cake (hehe, pun intended). Like today, for example. T has been sick and we can’t really leave the house, so I planned ahead last night and ordered groceries from Amazon Fresh to be delivered at the crack of dawn. I actually thought about what we were going to eat and got some good stuff for both of us. I channeled my 50s American housewife and made meatloaf today. (Note to self: Progresso breadcrumbs and frozen ground beef != good meatloaf). I drank 6 cups of water and ate a bunch of fruit. I tracked everything I ate. And honestly, I’m not hungry or feeling deprived. It was actually EASY.

And I know it’s easy. I know what I need to do, but I just can’t seem to make the time to Just.Do.It. I always seem to be waiting for that huge block of free time which never comes. I’ve also spent an inordinately large amount of free time working on Etsy orders, so I’ve really decided not to take any more custom work. It’s really hard not to obsess over my sales numbers, but I was spending enough time on it that it was like a 2nd (3rd?) job.

So yeah, here’s to one day of doing the right thing, and working hard to have that happen more often than not. Once it gets nicer out and T kicks this virus, we’re going to get out and do some walking. Maybe even at the Park! with Boogle!

Hey baby hey baby hey

I figured I'd post my thoughts on being pregnant, given that if all goes well, I won't be anymore at this time tomorrow and BabyX will have made her jailbreak. Freaky!!

I really, truly thought I'd hate it. The idea of this foreign invader in my body, all the restrictions, and of course becoming as huge as a planet was *not* appealing to me in the least. Throw that in with pretty low tolerance for lots of noisy children and I figured I'd never do this. Except for the fact that I *love* babies. I don't know why. Maybe it's the same gene or chemical reaction that makes me love all dogs.

After having some conversations with friends who are also not "kid people" they made me realize that you will actually really like your own kid, but it's ok not to like all kids, and that probably won't change.

That and the fact that there are some kids that I know that I really do like and the twinge of I-don't-know what when I saw a coworker dropping off his kid at preschool - a tiny little guy with a huge backpack. "I want one" flashed across my mind like a bright shining billboard at that moment. And then I nearly fell over because I had never once felt that way in my 30+ years before that. So I guess for some people the dormant clock just wakes up randomly. Heh.

So here we are. I've been pregnant for pretty much all of 2009, though I didn't know it for the first couple of weeks. I was lucky enough not to have a lot of nausea, though it did rear its ugly head a few times when I didn't eat often enough. I quickly figured out that skipping breakfast was NOT an option (even without the 'helpful' admonishment from the What to Expect While You're Expecting author about how I should feel like a horrible person for "starving my baby").

For a week or so at 5 months I had a horrible backache that was only resolved by waiting it out, and sleeping on the not-so-comfy couch in our living room. And right around that time, the grotesque foot swelling started, and I've been wearing the same pair of $8 JCPenney flip-flops for literally 4 months while staring longingly at my other cute shoes every morning. On the bright side, besides those flip-flops I have not bought a single pair of new shoes this year. TJ's happy about that.

And of course there was the occasional heartburn that's made me give up Thai and Indian food for the past couple of months, and the sheer hugeness of my belly that gets in the way of pretty much everything and makes most things awkward.

But before I complain too much, let me say that really, it was not that bad. Minor annoyances, all of them, and most had some kind of solution. It also gave me an excuse to buy ridiculous T-shirts and wear them late in my pregnancy, with slogans like "I Think I Might Be Pregnant" and "Bowling balls are really hard to swallow". Because really, if I can't have fun with it, what's the point?

One of the things I LOVE about being pregnant - not stressing over every calorie that I eat. Admittedly I've had more than my fair share of apple pie, and traded artificially sweetened drinks for ones with real sugar, and not turned down dessert very often. The beauty is that I have no idea how much actual weight I gained due to all the water retention. I guess I'll find out in a few weeks once the water goes away.

I know I'll have some hard work to do to get back into shape. But that's cool. I bet it'll be good for the baby after a while for us to get out and walk. And I know the pups will enjoy it. But I'm living the guilt-free lifestyle and loving it. If I'm hungry, I eat something. If not, I don't. Last night we went to dinner at Canlis (YUM) for the last time in what will probably be a while. And we didn't get dessert. And that was fine because I was full. Amazing how that works.

Oh and the other thing I love - the niceness from total strangers. They hold the door, they let me get off the elevator first, they actually slow down in the work parking garage when I'm waddling to my car. (Believe me, normally, these things don't usually happen where I work). And my favorite "We are the World" story - I was unloading groceries into my car. Next to me, unloading her groceries was a Muslim woman in a hijab. She insisted on returning my cart for me. So nice!

Some people really enjoyed feeling the baby move. I'm not really one of those folks, though I am glad she does move so that I know she's ok. But I'm kind of "eh" about the movement itself. It's not so intense that it hurts, which is good, but it still creeps me out, because really, stuff inside my stomach is supposed to stay put.

So, well, sometime tomorrow we'll finally get to meet BabyX. It seems pretty unreal. Because even though I'm enormous and round, I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that there is a PERSON inside of my belly. That's just too weird.

Just my confidence and me

I couldn't take it anymore. After months (no, actually years) of being patient and trying to cope and the occasional professional assistance, I finally just gave up today.

And got all my hair cut off.

It was done so quickly that I didn't even have time to think about how I liked looking over my shoulder in the mirror on a day when I painstakingly used the flatiron, to see my long straight black hair reaching the center of my back, a length I last saw when I was 8 years old.

It was just too heavy, too flat, and too much work. Drying took a long time, and styling was a nightmare.

I love to look good, but right now I'm not feeling so great about myself. To use a cliche, I feel trapped in my own body - I don't have a lot of clothes that fit exactly the way I'd like them too, and sometimes I see myself in the mirror and think "holy crap, is that really me?" And that's when I bother to look in the mirror. Plus it's hot, and feeling fat when it's hot is just about the worst thing ever.

So I decided to lighten up (the easy way first). I made an appointment at Paule Attar Salon, my old standard even though my favorite stylist EVER, Lindsay, moved to Boston a couple of years ago. I took a chance today on a stylist I had never met before but is one of their most experienced. She was, of course, gorgeous and thin, with that perfect straight black hair that eludes me. That gave me pause at first.

But then we talked about my inability to handle my own hair and not being able to re-create that perfect blowout that you get right after a haircut. I told her about my hair's quirks - the super curly parts underneath, the sort of waviness all over, and the frizzy yuck that happens when it dries on its own. I felt self-conscious about this - after all, it was just a haircut, and one of the many she'd have to do today, and in the grand scheme of the world's problems, it seemed like a lot of talking for something so trivial. But I needed her to help me figure out the perfect haircut for the way my hair and my life are NOW.

Not what I wish it would be - long, silky, glorious Lucy Liu hair, or gently wavy, gorgeous Jessica Alba hair, or cute, spunky, spiky short Meg Ryan hair. I'm none of those people and I also don't have an armada of stylists to help me get ready every morning.

What I got is perfect. It's shorter than it's been in a long time, just below chin length. She put some goo in it and dried it partially with a diffuser to keep some of the waves in, and then added some shine goo to keep the frizz down. Literally, the entire shampoo, cut and style took less than 45 minutes, which is half the time of the usual long layered/blowout cut I've been getting. Woo hoo. I think the actual styling portion took 5 minutes. Tops.

I feel better already. Funny how hair can do that.

Today is where your book begins

Hmm, so after some searching I can't figure out how to trackback to another blog post.

Anyway, this post at ZenHabits got me thinking, specifically point #8 about accountability and a training log.

I've reopened From Zaftig to Svelte. It'll be horribly boring to anyone who's not me, but I need it to keep myself on track.

I'll try to keep all self-indulgent, weight-related posts over there.

And never brought to mind

Happy New Year, everyone! I can't believe my long holiday vacation is coming to an end. I've been off work since Dec 19, but it seems like just yesterday. Oh well.

I do feel re-energized by the break, though (of course!) I didn't get everything done that I wanted to, including trying out a coworker's BeDazzler that she let me borrow over the holidays. (It was a gift from a customer, before you start making fun!)

Last night TJ and I rang in 2008 at Canlis (where else?) with a lovely 9 course meal, and Sommelier's Wine Pairing. It was, by far, the most expensive meal I have *ever* had. And after 7 glasses of wine, I forgot to bring home the menu, so I don't even remember which wines we had. I had quinoa for the first time, and discovered I really like it, so I'll have to buy some to make at home.

But I do remember one was the Chateau Mouton Rothschild with a very cute Picasso sheep drawing on the bottle. Apparently this one goes for $90 for a single glass, according to our waiter, who was a fun and quirky guy. So apparently the tasting flight was a screamin' deal. Which I'm sure it was, if we knew anything about wine.

But I'm definitely getting a better sense for what I like and I'm having a lot of fun trying to describe what each one tastes like. (Not in official wine terms, of course. One of the wines last night tasted like a wet attic to me, kind of musty and how I imagine moss might taste. Not in an entirely bad way, just different.)

So now we will go back to eating mac n cheese at home. For a *very* long time. And of course, it's New Year's Resolution Time, so here are mine for the year. Just two, because I'm trying to make them manageable:

1. Once and for all, get down to a manageable healthy weight. (have we heard this before? Yes. But if I don't try again, it definitely *won't* happen.)

2. Get my jewelry for sale in at least one local store/salon/boutique. (This involves me narrowing down my work into a few signature lines, and figuring out how to approach store owners and market my pieces.)

These aren't exactly easy resolutions, and they'll both take a lot of time and focus. And desire. Obviously the weight loss thing has been plaguing me for years. It's a planning/stress thing for me - if I overplan and make everything regimented I start to get stressed and freak out. If I don't plan enough, then I don't eat on a regular schedule and end up snarfing down nachos when I'm so hungry I can't see straight. So somewhere in there is a delicate balance.

Here's to finding that balance in 2008! Salut!

Think I'll buy me a football team

Long time no post, because I was running around like a crazed woman trying to finish custom jewelry orders for Christmas, and also get ready for the craft show I did at REI headquarters yesterday. Super-busy week!

We also got some sad news from TJ's family last week, so it didn't seem right to post a light-hearted post right at that time. Please send happy thoughts their way.

Anyway, back to less weighty topics. (Pretty much everything here is a less weighty topic, isn't it?) I got 5 of my 6 custom orders done last week, and have 3 currently on my plate, though one of those isn't for Christmas and I still need to order supplies for it.

On deck today is just 2 pairs of earrings. One is a custom order from a friend, as a Christmas present for someone else, and the other is from a woman at yesterday's craft show. The awesome part is that she already paid for them!

I made a pair of earrings and a matching bracelet on Thursday to beef up my inventory for the show and they are some of my favorites. Unfortunately, I was so rushed I didn't take a picture, so I'll just have to recreate them sometime from my imagination. They had bright orange carnelian, tiny brown freshwater pearls, and just some sparkly silver accents - very small and delicate.

The earrings got snapped up pretty early in the craft fair, and the lady who bought the bracelet also wanted the earrings, so I told her I'd make her another pair. Hope I remember what they looked like!

Anyway, the show was pretty good for me. I sold many of my magnets, though not the water molecule GeekMagnets. I was smart to bring BeagleMagnets and NatureMagnets, both of which were a big hit with the employees. It also helped that I offered them individually at $2 so I had a few people buy just one magnet. I also sold 2 bracelets and 2 or 3 pairs of earrings so it was a pretty successful day for me. A nice way to end the season. I'd do this one again if Wendi asks me (you have to be sponsored by an employee).

But in general, I'm down on craft shows. It's a lot of sitting around, hoping someone will buy stuff. There's always a ton of jewelry vendors. And it usually eats up a whole weekend day, not to mention all the prep time beforehand. So I might stick to the Internet and custom orders for friends. Or be more choosy about the shows I do participate in. This year, as a learning experience, I did anything that was less than $20 for the booth. Two shows were pretty good and two were *really* bad. You never can tell up front, but I did learn that I don't really like sitting around all day and it just imposes way too much deadline stress on me. So maybe one or two a year will be enough.

After the show yesterday, Wendi and I went to Nordstrom Rack. I love the Rack, and Wendi is a marathon shopper like me. I can tell we're going to be good friends :) If only she didn't live so far away! I bought three black dresses. Really, they are all different!

Actually, I will probably return one of them today. I bought it to wear for our New Year's Eve dinner at Canlis, but it needed some slight alterations and my usual seamstress is out of town until then. I also didn't *love* it. I could wear it as-is, though it's a little big. So I'm going to see if there are other options for me today, at Macy's and the Factoria Nordstrom Rack. If I don't find something else, I'll wear the one I bought. It's black, and sparkly, and nice, but just not *the* dress.

Though currently I'm pretty unhappy with how clothes are fitting these days :( I need a good kick in the (extra large) pants to start eating right again. And make sure I'm getting my 10000 steps in each day (at the very least). Shopping with Wendi, who's a size 6 and several inches taller than me, underscored this fact. She's that person who can wear the cute little Audrey Hepburn straight-cut black dresses. I remember the (brief) time when most things I tried on would fit, and I'd just have to decide which ones I liked best. Instead of now, where if it fits at all, it automatically gets tossed in the "maybe" pile, just for that reason. Sad.

And quite honestly, what it comes down to is how bad I really want to lose weight because it ain't gonna come easy this time. I'm still kidding myself that walking more and just eating less crap is really going to effect a drastic change. But I'm also not mentally ready to make a wholesale change. I love going out to eat in Belltown at lunch. I'm still in a very anti-green-leafy-vegetable phase. I hate salad. But I'm not getting any younger. Yuck.

Grumble, grumble.

And I guess it struck a nerve

So apparently my assessment of Bleeding Through as crap incited some Internet anger as two random strangers commented to chastise me. One with some not so nice things to say about HIM, which is fine with me, since I can take criticism of bands *I* like, but I deleted the comment because the language was homophobic and unnecessary.

Whatever, dude. I'm not losing any sleep about it, that's for sure.

Craft show on Saturday was pretty much a waste of time, though it was fun chatting with Dawn again, and two friends came by during the day: Rob, with his very nice orange Corvette Z06 (drool) and Traca, who I work with. I sold one bracelet all day, so it wasn't exactly an awesome sales day for me. However, a lot of people came by and commented on the 'uniqueness' of my jewelry, and I don't know if that means "wow, your stuff is crazy and ugly and *I* would never wear it" or if it was a genuine compliment. But at least they were nice about it.

There were several jewelry vendors at this small show, two of which had much nicer displays than me. I still haven't fully committed to this craft show thing as a regular activity so I don't want to spend a lot of money on nice displays. And after two craft shows in a row where I sold hardly anything, I think I'm ready to go back to the Internet as my main selling venue. My weekends are much too short to burn a whole day sitting in some dank auditorium waiting for someone to like my stuff. At least online, I can do other things while I wait :)

Word of mouth is traveling fast among my friends, thanks to some intentional marketing I've been doing (promotional postcard mailed out, info on my Facebook profile, and a very nice email Nathalie sent out to *her* friends letting them know about my shop.) In the past 2 weeks I've sold 5 items from my etsy shop, and have a custom order pending for another friend. So it's been nice and busy. In fact, just yesterday, to make me feel better about my lack of sales at the show, I had an etsy order (from a stranger!!) waiting for me. So nice.

I skipped out on the Gem/Jewelry show today, though I've heard those are a great place to buy beads. I have a *lot* of beads right now, and just received a huge order of silver wire and sheet and some beads for my new jewelry line that I've been planning, plus the fairly complex custom order for Paul and Trista. So I don't really *need* to spend any more money on beads right now. Plus, Amma is going to India in March, and she can find some fabulous semi-precious beads there, so I plan to send a lot of money with her then.

My friend Allison and I are going to start walking at Marymoor in the mornings (7:15am, shudder), which is good for us and good for the dogs. She has an adorable Lab puppy named Hank who needs daily exercise, and lord knows our guys could use the exercise too. We're meeting tomorrow morning.

She recommended "You on a Diet" to me - it was a heavily Oprah-pimped book and I avoided it for a long time, not wanting to get suckered into *yet* another diet book. I picked up a copy today, with a 30% off coupon from Borders, because I realized I really do *need* to do something about this weight before it becomes a real problem. I have more clothes in my closet that don't fit than ones that fit me currently. Which is *BAD* *BAD* *BAD*. Past failed attempts to lose weight loom behind me like mocking ghosts out of Harry Potter. (Hello Nearly Headless Nick! Hello Peeves!)

But YOaD seems a lot less 'diety' which is what I'm looking for. Lifestyle change, and all that. I'm doing a *lot* of walking during my daily commute, and that's definitely helping my energy level - I rarely nap anymore. If I combine that with eating less crap, I probably could be dangerous. Unfortunately working in Belltown = a lot of fabulous bad for me food options. On the bright side, TJ and I are eating out a lot less, since it takes me so long to get home in the evenings.

So I've got a long way to go, but I can start small. At some point, I'll actually *want* to join a gym. Right now I'm feeling very anti-gym. Anyway, a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, right? And that step will be to go to Marymoor with Spike, Allison and Hank tomorrow. Woot.

The party is disrupted by an uninvited guest

Woo hoo - I think I've finally recovered after a hard partying Saturday night. I think the birthday boy had fun too. We spent a few hours at a swanky pool place called The Parlor in the new Lincoln Square building in Bellevue, then moved on to Maggiano's Little Italy for dinner. 13 of our friends showed up, which was awesome. Unfortunately my camera battery was near dead, so I only got a few pics at the pool hall.

We weren't planning to drink much, but TJ's friends had some other plans for him, and started him off with a shot called "Irish Carbomb" which is a shot of Bailey's dropped into a pint of Guinness. Crazy. There was also "Chocolate Cake", "Oatmeal Cookie", and Unidentifiable Fruity Shot. And of course, Guinness on tap. Luckily I was the designated driver (and the one handling the money) so I got to be the responsible one just for that evening :)

It was a great time with our friends here. Oh, and special props to Dave and Lisa who managed to stay on their pre-wedding healthy eating plan despite many, many temptations that night.

We also ended up with a ton of yummy Italian leftovers. I've been eating the gnocchi in vodka sauce for a few days now and *love* it.

I started reading "Intuitive Eating" by Tribole and Resch. Amazing book, and let me tell you, I've read a lot of "diet" books. Seems the reading is a lot easier for me than the hard work.

But this one is different. (Really, I promise). It's a 10-step program to getting back to using your natural hunger cues to just eat without dieting, rules, or any of that crap. I went to an overview seminar at Sound Health that talked about some of the principles and was motivated to learn more about it.

I'm working on the first three steps right now:
1. Reject the diet mentality
2. Honor your hunger
3. Make peace with food

Basically, I need to think about how I'm going to eat long-term and abandon any desire for quick-fix diets, or restrictive eating plans. I need to toss out the rules, and really listen to my body and eat when i'm hungry, only until satisfied. (As opposed to gut-bustin' full.) And the last one is my favorite - I can eat whatever the heck I want. All foods are equal - none are "bad" or "good". If I want to, I could eat croissants all day. French fries the next day. Mac n cheese the third day.

I was very skeptical of this - it sounds too good to be true. However, they say that babies/toddlers are born with this self-monitoring capability - if you give toddlers a variety of different foods, over a week or two, they will take in exactly what they need nutritionally, even if at one meal they eat only fruit, and at another only crackers. Over a week, all of their choices and calories balance out.

And since I've pseudo-dieted my way up to an unhealthy weight, I figure this is worth a shot. Amazingly, even on Saturday night I didn't even eat to uncomfortably full. For dessert, all I had was a piece of caramelized banana and a tiny bite of pound cake. And I was totally happy with that. And I'm not just saying that to be virtuous, I genuinely only wanted that little bit. Somehow just knowing I was "allowed" to have whatever I wanted, and knowing that none of it was off-limits, made me much less interested in it. I guess I should have known I was one of those contrary people all along!

I'm a little worried about the nutrition side of things - that only comes in a later step because it's hard in the beginning to "make peace" with food, and nutrition tends to make people go back to "rules". On the other hand, I eat fruit willingly, and a few weeks of fruit with the occasional veggie will probably be fine. I had two croissants for dinner today (been craving them for a while) and now, I'm not particularly interested in eating them again. I know this sounds hokey, but I'm going to try and live with this for the next few months and see where it gets me. It sure sounds good, anyway!

I definitely recognized myself in that book. I used to think that since I wasn't an "emotional eater", there really wasn't any mental component to weight loss. However, there's a category called "chaotic unconscious eater" which is a person who is very busy/stressed, skips meals sometimes, and then is so hungry she grabs whatever is available. Um, that has me written all over it! And when I eat out, I often eat to the point of uncomfortable fullness. I've been paying much closer attention to that.

I'm still working on that part - I think I tend to stop eating too early, if anything, and then am hungry a few hours later. But I can slowly learn to fix that.

But last night, at 1am, when I couldn't sleep, and I was really hungry, I got out of bed and had a bowl of Cheerios. Old me would have just figured being hungry was good and tried to sleep through it. After I ate, I was able to fall asleep pretty easily.

One of the things I need to work on is to eat without trying to do something else at the same time (like read, surf the web, or watch TV). That's a hard one for me. But it's much easier to figure out whether you're satisfied when you're not distracted by something else.

I suppose only time will tell if this is right for me. Hopefully the novelty of eating formerly-forbidden foods will wear off fairly soon (it looks like it will!) and I'll be able to maintain a fairly balanced diet. I'm having the worst time getting enough veggies - nothing sounds good to me.

Two more small victories, and I'll stop talking about food:
1. I've had an unopened bag of Doritos in the pantry for a week. And I have not wanted to open them. (In the past, Doritos left over from poker games would be inhaled the next day.)
2. We still have birthday cake left from Friday. I had once piece after dinner on Friday, and a small piece yesterday. (Old "dieting" An would have eaten that quickly too, to get it out of the house.)

I never realized how completely wacked I am about food. I always thought I was pretty healthy and had a decent attitude about it. Don't get me wrong, I don't binge, don't have any eating disorders, or anything like that, so I'm doing fairly well. But years of dieting have taken their toll, and made me put a higher value, and more guilt on certain foods. So when I eat them, I feel bad about it, and don't even get to truly enjoy it.

Aaaanyway, to make a long story short, I'm done with all this diet crap and am going to try this new thing and see how it does. I feel good about it.

These places and these faces are getting old

I guess I'm in one of those posting phases now. It seems to depend on how crappy a mood I'm in. Less crappy = more posts. I've been feeling pretty good these past several days, and feeling a lot less anxiety and stress. I think it's because of my new pseudo-plan to get into shape. Or more accurately, my plan not to have a specific plan and just pay attention to the choices I'm making.

Today was not a great day for me at work - I woke up feeling exhausted and congested, even after 9 hours of sleep (yes, I know I'm lame). So I slept a couple more hours, did a bit of work from home, then went into work after lunch. I finished my major tasks I had planned for today. This week is going to be a slow one - tomorrow we have a 3 hour (!) division meeting at a hotel. Which effectively kills productivity all afternoon.

And Wednesday is our division ski trip. I probably should have signed up in the interest of getting to know my team, getting some exercise, etc. But I just couldn't get excited about a whole day of attempting to stay upright on skis with a group of people I barely know. (Spouses are not invited.) It made me tired just to think about it. So I'm planning to use the day to play catch-up at work. Since it'll be quiet with everyone else gone, it's going to be a great day for that.

Tomorrow morning I'm planning to start Week 3 of Couch to 5K. I think it'll be fine - the longest running segment is 3 minutes and I feel prepared for that. I'm actually kind of excited about it, and even thought about going tonight, but it's already 10pm and if I work out this late, I'll never get to sleep. But I am thrilled to have an exercise thing that I'm actually looking forward to!

I bought some new workout pants at lucy last week, and I love them. Yes, they are horrendously expensive for gym pants but they're made of that nice fabric that wicks away sweat, they fit great and they have pockets. Which are surprisingly hard to find in workout pants. Plus having a cute new workout outfit that fits well is actually motivating me to work out. Unfortunately all of my previous cute workout clothes from the pre-wedding workout frenzy don't fit anymore. sigh.

If you're reading this, and you're a friend of mine in real life, I probably owe you email or a phone call. I've been really stressed the last couple of weeks, and was in hiding for a little while. I promise I'll catch up with you soon.

To everyone else who's just dropping by (like my fellow Couch to 5k-ers), hope this week is a good one for you!

Winter just wasn't my season

I felt like I needed a change, so the new colors are dedicated to the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Apocalypse 4 came and went a few days ago with another couple of inches of snow, but the temperature rose pretty quickly so it didn't stick around for long. At least this time it had the courtesy to wait until nighttime to start snowing.

I'm giving up on my separate weight loss blog. A nice idea in theory but just too damn hard to maintain in practice. Especially since I barely remember to write in this one, and my work blog is lucky if it sees one post per month.

But that doesn't mean I'm giving up on getting into better shape. Ugh. How many times have I said this?? I've been doing a lot of reading, and thinking, about my lack of focus when it comes to really getting down to the business of weight loss. I'm lazy. I hate doing things I'm not good at, so I do them haphazardly so I have something to blame when things don't work out like I want them to. I suppose what it comes down to is that I don't want it badly enough.

So I'm trying something a little different this time. I have only one measurable goal right now, and that's to complete the Couch to 5K running program. It's a 9 week, 27 workout series that progresses from running intervals of 1 minute up to 30 minutes. When I finish, I get to buy myself the cute little iPod shuffle in pink, which has a convenient clip to attach it to your clothes, and will work much better than the crazy lanyard thing I'm using now that I have to tuck into my shirt while I'm running.

With respect to food, I'm following the basic principles of intuitive eating - making sure I'm really hungry before eating something, eating just until satisfied, eating often, and making sure I don't ever get ravenous. Oh, and no more absent-minded eating in front of the computer. (Revolutionary, I know.) I've promised myself to start writing down what I eat just to see if I'm eating more crap than I think I am. But no calorie restrictions or rules.

I've resumed delivery of fresh organic fruits and veggies from Pioneer Organics every 2 weeks, so the good stuff will always be around and handy.

I'm also trying to figure out what other exercise I can do that I really truly enjoy. That's the hard part, though I am looking forward to the running workouts. I may just end up doing a lot of walking.

I'm in this for the long haul. And approaching it like a scientist, logically and deliberately. (Though not numerically.) I've got some mental block about committing to what I need to do, so my job for the next couple of months is to figure out how to get past that.

Part of that is eliminating stress where I can. I have a bad habit of taking on a lot of "projects" and I realized it's because I'm not sure what I really, truly want to do with my life. Maybe this is my quarter-life crisis showing up a little bit late.

Anyway, that was probably too much information for you all. But I've never really considered the mental component to weight loss as being particularly important for me.

I'm thinking it's the part I need to be able to do this once, and once only, and to get out of the cycle. I'm tired of having a whole second wardrobe in my closet that doesn't fit. I want one set of clothes, preferably in a single digit size, and vigilance and commitment to make sure those clothes always fit. I don't ever again want to "suddenly" notice that I've gained 25lbs since the last time I was paying attention. Of course, if that came with a 7 inch height increase, that would be fine, but last time I checked I was still the same height.

So here's to "constant vigilance", to borrow a phrase from Harry Potter. Not about the number on the scale, but about life. Here's to everything having a purpose, and making decisions consciously. No more guilt, and no more rules. Boo-yah.

You're the one that I want, ooh ooh ooh

You have no idea how much self-control it's taking me not to watch the TV reality show where you get to vote for a new cast for the musical Grease. It does help that the only working TV we have is in the dog/exercise room, which smells like wet dog all winter. Not exactly a comfy place to sit and watch TV, though TJ does it. (Our couch is wedged in there sideways while we work on our real living room so if you want to watch TV together you have to sit on the couch like you're in a bobsled.)

I'm much happier today then when I wrote my last post. Yay mood swings! But part of that is due to the unexplained 3.5 lbs I've lost in the last week - I'm hoping that's the obsessive water drinking finally catching up, and part of it is that I *think* (fingers crossed!) that I actually found an eating plan that I can live with for the rest of my life. Seriously. I read a lot of diet/nutrition books and magazines. I've tried a lot of different things (South Beach and the Pro Club 20/20 being tied for my least favorites). But I kept looking for that elusive "diet" that wouldn't feel like a diet, where I wouldn't be thinking about the time that I could stop "dieting" and just eat whatever the hell I wanted.

I picked up Dr. Ian Smith's "Fat Smash Diet" book on Sunday. (After walking 30 min to the bookstore to get it!) Because it's the diet they use on Celebrity Fit Club (awful show) it was placed front and center on the New Diet Books table. But if you look beyond the cheesiness of the title and its background, it's an amazingly sane way to eat. And it fits exactly with the stuff I like to eat/usually eat.

The first 9 days is a "Detox" phase, which is a concept I don't believe in, but it's sort of a jumpstart to the rest of the program. For a "Phase 1" it's surprisingly easy to follow. I lasted about 2 days on South Beach, so this is high praise coming from me. I can eat as much fruit, veggies and beans as I want (even corn and peas and sweet potatoes), and can have 2c nf milk, a couple of yogurts, 4 eggwhites, 2c brown rice, and a cup of oatmeal each day. That's a lot of food. And all of those are things I eat anyway. I imagine for people who are meat eaters, this phase is difficult. Or those who eat a lot of sweets or drink a lot of coffee or soda.

The only things that I'm not "allowed" to eat, that will be hard for me, are cheese and bread/crackers/pretzels/cereal. But for 9 days? I can do that. Day 1 was a stunning success, and I didn't even eat all of those things I was "allowed" to have. I had dinner plans with Jasmine, and luckily we picked an amazing Thai restaurant that serves brown rice. Woo hoo. I think I actually like brown rice better than white rice. It rocks my world.

The dinner didn't quite follow the letter of the diet since I'm not supposed to have the amt of oil used in the stirfry, but I didn't want to cancel my plans with her. So no more eating out for the rest of the 9 days.

I went to the grocery store and stocked up on fruit, yogurt, and veggies for the next 8 days. I'm excited about this diet because it meets my requirements:

1. No counting (points, calories, etc.)
2. No restrictions I can't live with (ie complete elimination of carbs)
3. Lets me have my morning breakfast of banana and oatmeal
4. Is something I can see myself doing long term. Seriously.

The next three phases involve adding things back like whole grain bread, cereal, cheese, and occasional (daily!) treats. The idea is to slowly change your habits over 90 days so that you can maintain this as a lifestyle change and not just a short term fix.

I know, it all sounds good, and like a great first date this might turn out to be a stalker or just plain annoying in the end, but right now I'm very happy with my new plan. Ask me again after the 9 days are up.

You got me so I don't know what I'm doin'

Happy New Year! I've been feeling sort of bleh lately and haven't been motivated to post. I've been frustrated by my lack of progress losing weight. Some of you might have noticed I stopped posting on my other blog.

I'm still in the Sound Health Solutions program, but to be honest, I am not doing a very good job taking advantage of it. I'm having a hard time accepting that I won't lose weight just by working out a couple of times a week with my trainer, plus some haphazard cardio, and sort of vaguely watching what I eat. That may have worked in my early 20s, but now I've got a slower metabolism and in general, a more sedentary lifestyle.

And I've been grumpy about it. Which is dumb. My inner monologue has gone all whiny on me - "why can't I eat grilled cheese and french fries 3x a week for dinner? is that one donut really going to make a difference? do i have to work out today? i'm so tired. but it's new year's/kwanzaa/Peanut's birthday, so I can eat what I want, right?"

And all I want to do is wear one of my many pairs of sweats and play online poker. (Which is fun, by the way. I've been playing on MSN for free.) And of course, that doesn't really help matters. I'm sick of it. I know I was happier with myself for the 5 minutes in 1999 when I was actually a healthy weight.

But just wishing for something doesn't make it happen. I should know that, having busted my ass at Caltech, then at Deloitte and now at Microsoft. It's so weird that weight loss is the one thing that stumps me. It's not rocket science. But it does require sustained good choices, and lots of hard work for a long time, with a payoff far in the future. And not surprisingly that's hard for me (Ms. Instant Gratification) to deal with.

A few weeks ago, I had one of the counseling sessions that comes with the Sound Health program. I went in rather closeminded about it. After all, I don't eat emotionally and have really had an easy (and happy) life. So what could a shrink really do for me?

But the weird thing was, Dr. Steve made an impression on me. He did most of the talking, so it was more of a learning opportunity for me, which made me more comfortable. He talked about Tibetan Buddhist sand paintings. Some Buddhist monks place each grain of sand individually (I don't know if this is really true) but they have to make a decision - use this grain in the painting, or toss it behind into a trash pile. If too much goes into the trash pile, then there isn't enough for the painting and the painting won't be as elaborate (or finished).

This is a simple metaphor for the everyday choices I have with food and exercise. Each one contributes a tiny bit to losing weight, not enough to make a huge difference, but a lot of bad choices (or choosing not to do the right thing) are going to end up affecting the end goal. Somehow that was an effective metaphor for me. Especially because a lot of the choices I make are when I'm too hungry or too tired to really focus and make the right choice.

So here's to 2007 filled with many more good choices than bad ones!

If you wanna be somebody else

Just a quick post to let y'all know I started a new blog today to chronicle my path from zaftig to svelte. I have signed up for a serious program that my benefits will pay for, and it's expensive and long. I am determined that this will be the last time I do this, so I can spend my money and time on more interesting things in the future.

Anyway, there's a nice long post over there so if you're interested you can go read it. I'll still keep this blog for cute dog and TJ stories :).

From Zaftig to Svelte

Cheers!

Make me a pretty person

I've got two TV shows I absolutely make time to watch. In fact, they're so important I even studied for my statistics class midterm while watching them. The jury is still out on how well that worked out for me...

One is Rock Star:Supernova and the other is Project Runway (Season 3). While none of the candidates on Rock Star have really impressed me consistently, on Project Runway, there are several really talented ones.

The challenge on today's episode was great - each designer had to design for one of the others' moms or sisters, most of whom were plus sized. And oddly enough, this stumped a few of the designers. I guess that shouldn't have been surprising to me, but I figured if you called yourself a designer who actually makes clothes (as opposed to pseudo designers like Gwen Stefani, J. Lo and the Olsen twins who put their names on other peoples' work), you'd be able to dress a wide range of *real* people not just the superhuman size 0 runway models.

Anyway, it was nice to see what they came up with, and reminded me yet again, that clothes really do look better on well-proportioned bodies.

Which just served as further motivation for me to lose the weight already dammit! TJ and I have done quite well with our not eating out plan (we're in the second week of three now). We went out to Claim Jumper, once as a weakness when it was just too damn hot to stay home, and once with John and Jenna. But other than that, no spontaneous bad meals out. And I don't think I've eaten a single deep fried item in those two weeks, which is also great. (Laugh if you must but I was seriously on a bad path before this...)

Anyway, buying new clothes, or even fitting into my boxes of "used to be" sized clothes would be amazing. I'm taking baby steps to get there, and need to get a couple more of my "projects" out of the way so I can focus on this better. The first one being that darn Statistics class. It will be over on Sept 2. And I'll get my $1000 back as tuition reimbursement from Microsoft and move on with my life. Yay! The next change after that will be figuring out how to adjust my work life balance (waking up before 9am would probably help there...)

Anyway, I just had to spontaneously blog after Michael Kors' awesome quote on Project Runway - "That looked like Comme des Garcons goes to the Amish country". Rock on Michael!

Back to regularly scheduled programming (so I can find out who won and who's OUT!)