Finally found the love of a lifetime

sometimes life is all rainbows and rottweilers

On the anonymous parenting question list at work, every couple of months someone posts about "lacking inspiration", "losing their mojo", "complete disinterest" about their work after returning from parental leave. 

It's not surprising, is it?  Especially for first time parents, whose lives have been completely upended by the arrival of a delightful (mostly, right?) baby.  Not to mention the lack of sleep, the fact that your brain is probably still mushy, and the complete hijacking of your brain to worry about how your child is eating/sleeping/developing etc. 

I don't have a solution to this problem besides advising people to go easy on making Big Decisions in that first 6 months back.   For a long time, I was really unsure about returning to work, even part-time.  I loved my schedule and liked my work, but still would have been perfectly happy to stay at home with T 5 days a week.

But now, 2 years after returning from that first maternity leave, I am really happy to be working.  I'm not sure when that happened. 

Part of it was the good fortune to join a team that is full of ridiculously nice people who believe there is more to life than work, while still doing an awesome job at work.  That combination is very hard to find - I've found tons of teams full of workaholics with no outside lives and have also heard of (but thankfully not worked on) teams with people who definitely value their work life balance but are completely useless and unmotivated at work.

As much as I grouse about corporate life, I want to be good at my job.  I want to work with people who are happy to be there, and are doing the right thing for our customers.  Today was one of those days I was all "hell, yeah" about work.

On the face of it, it was an ordinary day and everyone was a little regretful about coming back to work after a glorious long weekend.  But today I picked up a new responsibility that is in line with stuff I've done before, and the sort of project managementy goodness I like doing.  I was busy, and happy about it.  I'm thinking about increasing my hours just a tiny bit.

And I realized I hadn't felt that good more than a handful of days since returning from mat leave 2 years ago.  Of course, this is all moot when I go out on leave later this year, but I'm happy to wallow in the goodness right now. 

The other part of it is that T is getting a lot out of preschool.  Even if I was a SAHM, I'd have enrolled her in co-op or some other part-time preschool by now.  She, like me, loves structure and order.   She tells us enthusiastic (but often incomprehensible) stories of what happened at preschool and is always happy to go there.  So happy that she often has to be reminded to say goodbye to us when we drop her off.

Don't get me wrong.  If the circumstances allowed, I'm sure I could still be perfectly happy as a SAHM.  Especially with all those crafty projects I have on deck and the tons of projects I want to do with T. 

But I am also loving work right now.  Take that, Mommy Wars.

Project Life: February Catch-Up

I haven't posted in ages about Project Life because I am woefully behind time-wise.  This is why I'm not a huge fan of chronological scrapbooking, because then it becomes a chore, something to get done and "catch up on".  Hard to be creative under those circumstances!

But through February I was doing ok.  I couldn't post my pages because I wasn't telling anyone I was pregnant, and some of the items on the page made it pretty obvious.  I only got behind in March when my really crappy mood swings hit.

So here are my 4 weeks of February.  (Click on the photos to see a bigger version.)

In the first week, we had T's baked milk challenge (which she passed!), our Valentine's Day cookie decorating and cardmaking adventures, and a trip to Marymoor on an unexpectedly sunny and dry day.  The photo of T and TJ looking off into the distance is one of my favorites.  This is the first time I used my new typewriter to do the date heading card (top left).

Jan 30 - Feb 5, 2012

The second week of February was a lot of me and T hanging out - at the park with her favorite "Rumble Slide", at Redmond Town Center where we bought her first regular 24-piece jigsaw puzzle, making blueberry muffins with milk and butter, and of course, finding out I was pregnant. 

Feb 6 - 12, 2012

Week 3 highlights included taking the 545 bus downtown to see one of the kid's concerts at Benaroya Hall - T found the bus ride more exciting than the show, I think!  We also got a very yummy waffle at Sweet Iron after the show.  We met T's friend H and his family at a park, and started her Spanish classes.



Feb 13-19, 2012

And finally, in week 4 we all had a really fun trip to the Seattle Aquarium that T still talks about now.  She was brave enough to touch the starfish and posed obligingly for photos with the giant octopus (after all, it was Octopus Week!).  But her favorite was the circular jellyfish tank with the rotating current and the color-changing lights.  She also got a haircut and we made lime cupcakes that weren't too good, honestly.  But we ate them anyway.

Feb 20-26, 2012

I was afraid that Project Life might be one of those things that sounded really cool until I started working on it, but after completing around 12 weeks of it, I'm still really enjoying it.  I think the key is to not let myself get too far behind, but also not to stress about it if I do. 

I can use my blog, my calendar and my email to figure out what we did in a particular week, in addition to whatever pictures I happened to take that week on our camera and on my phone.

Currently, I'm done through the end of March.  I just sent a huge batch of photos to be printed at Target that covers Week 1 of our Ireland vacation, as well as this past week.  I am trying to do the current week while catching up on previous ones so I'm not perpetually behind.

I've got most of the supplies I need in one box in the kitchen, so I can work on these pages while T is playing, or working on her own art projects.  She likes us "crafting together, mama!".  She's not a big fan of me working on the computer to edit photos, though, so I save that for night-time after she's in bed.  I think she associates us working on laptops with her not getting our attention.  She's right, of course!

So whaddya think?  Is Project Life something you'd consider doing?  They have a digital version as well so you can build all your layouts online (I think) and you can get the whole thing printed as a photobook.  If I didn't love all the paper and supplies so much, I'd totally do that.

About culture and self-identification

I've been meaning to write this post for a long time and have been drafting it in my head for months.   Hush's recent post on Elizabeth Warren (who sadly I hadn't heard of before this) was the kick in the pants I needed.

When someone asks me where I'm from, I tell them I'm originally from Pittsburgh. As any ethnic-looking person will tell you, this elicits a variety of responses.  Thankfully in culturally-aware Seattle, that's the end of the conversation.  In previous locations, I got my oh-so-favorite rude followup - "No, I mean, where are you REALLY from?"  Because brown people can't actually be from Pittsburgh, right?

When I was younger I was too nice to be confrontational and was trying to fit in, so I'd say something like "well, my parents came here from India" which is apparently the "real" answer they were looking for.  And then the questioner would compliment my English.  Sigh.  This really pissed me off for a long time and now that I live somewhere that people GET IT, I can finally laugh about it. 

The core of why this bothers me is because I self-identify primarily as American.  Or American with Indian ancestry.  I'll settle for Indian-American (IA), but honestly, the American part comes first for me.  (Which of course leads to confusion, because I'm not *that* kind of Indian...)

And that self-identification gave me a lot of grief from childhood on.  I'm sure I let down my parents and extended family by not being "Indian enough" - the classic 2nd generation struggle.   I stopped speaking Tamil pretty early, though I understood most of what people said to me. (In my defense, all of my relatives speak English.)

As a tween and teen, I hated wearing Indian clothing.  (It still feels unnatural to me.)  I didn't watch Hindi or Tamil movies or listen to the music from those films.  Most of my friends were white Americans.  I was really, really into 80s hair metal.  I am not religious.

A lot of this probably happened because of the time and place where I grew up.  The suburbs of Pittsburgh were not exactly a cultural melting pot.  I don't think I knew a single Latino there, and there were just a handful of Asian kids at any school I attended.  In my small Catholic middle school, I'm pretty sure I was the only one.  I was teased a lot.

But part of it was my personality (though I wasn't that self-aware at the time!). 

I couldn't understand my Indian-American friends who had "Indian friends only" parties and had separate gatherings with their non-Indian school friends.  For me, friends were friends and of course I'd invite them all if I was having a party. 

I didn't get it when my Indian-American friends said their summers spent in India with relatives were "like coming home" when all my trips to India made me feel like the foreigner I was, and I couldn't wait to get back to my familiar suburban American lifestyle and friends. 

I never joined the Indian Associations at college or grad school.  I didn't feel like I needed to specifically hang out with other Indians or Indian-Americans, though of course I have friends with those backgrounds.

I didn't exclusively date Indian or Indian-American guys, like a lot of my IA friends.  Sure, there was more explaining I had to do about family culture or religious traditions if my boyfriend wasn't of Indian descent, but really, it wasn't that hard or insurmountable.   I didn't feel like I *had* to end up with a partner of Indian ancestry for it to work out. 

As you can imagine, there was a big gap in what was expected of me and what I wanted.  For a long time I couldn't resolve this.  I'm a stubborn person and big on doing things my way, so I made the choices I needed to in order to be happy (wear what I want, date who I want, etc.) 

This caused me a lot of angst because I think Indian culture is a lot about fulfilling family expectations and deprioritizing individual preferences for family harmony.  Which of course is pretty much the diametric opposite of our American culture that emphasizes individual happiness over doing thingsto keep others happy.

Photo by Kristi Lloyd Photography

I talked through some of this with the couples counselor we spoke with for premarital counseling.  But I didn't work it out until I was pregnant with T.  I had a sort of epiphany.  This is who I am, and that is perfectly OK. 

Not having a strong tie to my Indian culture sounds bad, but only because that's what other people had been telling me.  I'm actually very happy with the choices I've made.  I want to be a strong, self-confident woman for my daughter.  I don't feel like I've "lost" anything, because if I did, I'd know where to find it again. And I simply don't want to.

I can't believe it took me 34 years to figure that out, but I'm so glad I did, because I can raise my daughter with confidence.  She will learn about loving foods from all cultures, learn about all religions and have respect for them and those who choose to opt out,  and forge her way through life, self-identifying as she chooses. 

Maybe she'll check the boxes for both White and South Asian.  Maybe she'll choose to learn Tamil when she gets older, or spend time in India.  Hopefully she'll be spared the angst I had.  Which is what all parents hope for their kids, right - that they'll have an easier time than we did?

And I hope she'll never have to answer "But where are you REALLY from?" or get compliments on her English.

The Submission - Book Review

I finished The Submission by Amy Waldman last night. It took me a couple of weeks to get through it, not because I didn't like it, but because it was emotionally hard to read.  Which probably means it was well-written. 

I can't recommend it in a "you'll love it!" sort of way, but it's the sort of book that I'm glad I read and will stick with me for a long time.

I first saw a review on Sepia Mutiny, the Indian-American blog I used to read occasionally.  It was not a flattering one, so I didn't add the book to my must-read list, given that reading time is scarce these days.

A few weeks ago, I heard the author being interviewed on KUOW, our local public radio station, and found out the book had been chosen for the "Seattle Reads" program, which seems to be some kind of city-wide book club thing.  The interview was interesting and unfortunately I got to work before it ended, but I liked her description of her characters and figured I'd give this book a shot.

I bought it for my Kindle that night and read the first few chapters quickly.  The writing is straightforward and there are a lot of characters.  It's about a (fictitious) contest to design a memorial for 9/11 victims and has several related storylines.

What kept me reading, and what also made it hard for me to read, was the main character, Mohammed Khan, an American architect of Indian ancestry whose "Americanness" is questioned through the entire novel.  As someone with a similar background (albeit not Muslim), it was really hard to read about the racist attitudes towards him, even though this was a work of fiction and of course I'm not unaware of real-life people who think I and people like Mohammed aren't "real Americans".

There were almost too many characters and storylines, and I wanted more depth about some of them, like Khan and Asma Haque.  There were a few characters I just didn't care too much about and they had whole chapters devoted to them.  But altogether it was woven together well though the ending left me sort of... empty.  I just wasn't sure what to do with it.  But I'm a person who likes all the loose ends tied up, and with this story it was never going to happen.

This is the sort of book I wish we had read and discussed in an English lit course - modern subject matter, with interesting themes about the society we live in.  Way better than incomprehensible Faulkner (and I've had to read more than one of his books!) and so-old-I-couldn't-care-less The Scarlet Letter.  Blasphemy, I know.

So if you're looking for something to feed your brain a little, this is a good choice.  Definitely not summer beach reading, though, unless you like to use your brain for that!

Cooking the Books: Mi Comida and Mexican Pasta Salad

My friend Di, who I met in college, is having a blog party where we post about a dish we cooked that was inspired by a book.  She gave us a heads up a few weeks ago and I racked my brain to think of something literary and cool.  I came up with ... nothing.

But T and I have been learning Spanish together and one of her first Spanish books was Mi Comida.  It's got a bunch of cute paper collages of food with the Spanish word for it.  Many of these words are ingredients in the Mexican Pasta Salad from the Moosewood Restaurant Low-Fat Favorites cookbook. Examples: los guisantes (peas) and los fideos (noodles).  Tenuous connection, I know :)

I've been trying to find something we can pack for T's lunch other than the sunflower seed butter on whole wheat sandwich we give her nearly every day and I thought this pasta salad might do the trick.  It's not "spicy" in the toddler sense, it has pasta and beans in it which she loves, and I figured I could sneak in a few veggies and some tofu as well. 

It also helped that I enlisted T in the cooking process, and she was a surprisingly good helper.  I had to stop her from eating the black beans and olives out of the bowl directly, but distracted her with a bunch of tofu cubes which she ate happily for the first time ever.

I modified the recipe to add peas, which I knew T would eat, and didn't add any tomatoes because I knew she wouldn't eat them.  I had to throw away the yellow bell pepper I planned to use because it was moldy (so sad!).  I added 4oz of extra firm high protein tofu cut into tiny cubes and a little extra olive oil because I'm not concerned about being low-fat.  I used the Barilla Plus higher protein pasta to sneak a little extra protein into all of us.

Best kitchen helper ever!

Mexican Pasta Salad
adapted from Moosewood Restaurant Low-Fat Favorites

7.5 oz Barilla Plus Farfalle pasta
1c frozen corn
1c frozen peas
2 green onions, minced
1 15-oz can black beans, rinsed and drained
1 4oz can sliced black olives, rinsed and drained
4-6 oz extra firm high protein tofu cut in tiny cubes
1/4c olive oil
juice of 1 small organic lime
juice of 1 organic lemon
3 tsp ground cumin
3 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro
1/8 tsp black pepper

1. Boil water in a large pot with some salt.  Cook the pasta for about 8 minutes, then add the frozen corn and peas, and cook for another minute or two after it comes back to a boil.
2. While the pasta is cooking, combine the green onions, black beans, tofu, olives, olive oil, lemon juice, lime juice, cumin, cilantro, and pepper in a bowl large enough to hold the finished salad. Mix well and let stand at room temperature so the flavors can mingle nicely.
3. Drain and rinse the pasta/veggies with cold water and let cool.
4. Add the pasta, corn and peas to the bowl with the beans and tofu and mix well.  Taste again and add more cilantro and cumin to taste.  If it seems too dry, add a bit more olive oil.
5. Chill in fridge and serve.  It tastes better after it has some time for the flavors to mix.

I bet this would also taste good with some fresh pico de gallo mixed in (either homemade or high quality store bought) but I can guarantee that my toddler won't eat it with tomatoes visible.

We eat this as a main course, but it would also work as a side dish for burgers or at a cookout.  It's great for packing in lunches because it tastes good at room temperature and doesn't require heating.

Thanks again to Di for hosting this blog event!