Happy New Year! I've been feeling sort of bleh lately and haven't been motivated to post. I've been frustrated by my lack of progress losing weight. Some of you might have noticed I stopped posting on my other blog.
I'm still in the Sound Health Solutions program, but to be honest, I am not doing a very good job taking advantage of it. I'm having a hard time accepting that I won't lose weight just by working out a couple of times a week with my trainer, plus some haphazard cardio, and sort of vaguely watching what I eat. That may have worked in my early 20s, but now I've got a slower metabolism and in general, a more sedentary lifestyle.
And I've been grumpy about it. Which is dumb. My inner monologue has gone all whiny on me - "why can't I eat grilled cheese and french fries 3x a week for dinner? is that one donut really going to make a difference? do i have to work out today? i'm so tired. but it's new year's/kwanzaa/Peanut's birthday, so I can eat what I want, right?"
And all I want to do is wear one of my many pairs of sweats and play online poker. (Which is fun, by the way. I've been playing on MSN for free.) And of course, that doesn't really help matters. I'm sick of it. I know I was happier with myself for the 5 minutes in 1999 when I was actually a healthy weight.
But just wishing for something doesn't make it happen. I should know that, having busted my ass at Caltech, then at Deloitte and now at Microsoft. It's so weird that weight loss is the one thing that stumps me. It's not rocket science. But it does require sustained good choices, and lots of hard work for a long time, with a payoff far in the future. And not surprisingly that's hard for me (Ms. Instant Gratification) to deal with.
A few weeks ago, I had one of the counseling sessions that comes with the Sound Health program. I went in rather closeminded about it. After all, I don't eat emotionally and have really had an easy (and happy) life. So what could a shrink really do for me?
But the weird thing was, Dr. Steve made an impression on me. He did most of the talking, so it was more of a learning opportunity for me, which made me more comfortable. He talked about Tibetan Buddhist sand paintings. Some Buddhist monks place each grain of sand individually (I don't know if this is really true) but they have to make a decision - use this grain in the painting, or toss it behind into a trash pile. If too much goes into the trash pile, then there isn't enough for the painting and the painting won't be as elaborate (or finished).
This is a simple metaphor for the everyday choices I have with food and exercise. Each one contributes a tiny bit to losing weight, not enough to make a huge difference, but a lot of bad choices (or choosing not to do the right thing) are going to end up affecting the end goal. Somehow that was an effective metaphor for me. Especially because a lot of the choices I make are when I'm too hungry or too tired to really focus and make the right choice.
So here's to 2007 filled with many more good choices than bad ones!