Monday, September 17, 2012

Why I still work

I suppose it's a bit ironic that I'm writing a post about why I work when technically, I don't have to go back to the office for the next 22 weeks. (22 weeks!! OMG!).

I've been weary of reading about work-life balance, working vs. staying home with kids, etc. When I found Laura Vanderkam's post, at first I got prickly because I disagree with some of her views on flexibility and scaling back.  But as I read further, I realized she completely nailed the reason why I continue to work outside the house.

Some of you who have been reading for a while are probably wondering the same thing.  I make no secret about my desire to stay home and if I'm going to get really crazy, maybe even part-time homeschool the kids.  I'm also all about going after what I want (thanks Mondo Beyondo!).

On a crafty forum a few weeks ago, when people were introducing themselves, one woman posted that she was ridiculously jealous of all the stay-at-home-moms who had posted and I could totally empathize.  I was surprised to see that this woman had a high powered career for which she had a lot of training and experience, as a specialized hospital nurse.  So it's not just those people who "have to work to pay the bills" who feel this pull to be at home too.

(c) Kristi Lloyd Photography, 2012
But back to Laura's post.  (Did you go read it?  Maybe you should do that first.) She's written in the past about how she believes that both parties in a relationship need to take full responsibility for earning money and supporting the household.  Fundamentally I agree with that, though in some cases where one spouse earns TONS more than the other, it's probably more clear who should scale back when looking at financial considerations, if they make the decision that someone should.

In our household, though, that's not the case.  TJ and I are in the same industry, and have pretty similar earning power.  I think he has a *slight* advantage as far as the number of open positions and flexible options like contracting or telecommuting, and the industry we work in does value his skill set more than mine.  But overall it's been pretty even when we both work full time.

TJ quit his job about 6 months ago.  And wow, have I noticed a difference in our family's overall happiness.  We hang out together more.  We each have more special time with T.  We each get more "alone time" because we can trade off kid duty on weekdays and not just on weekends.  We can go to the zoo on a Wednesday morning.  TJ is pursuing both business and leisure projects he never had time for.  But most importantly, TJ is happier, and we no longer have days where he doesn't see T awake.  (He used to leave for work before she woke and would often return after she was in bed, since her bedtime is crazy early.)

So given that, from a financial point of view,  it makes sense for me to keep working since we need some income to stay afloat, right?  But I see it as more than that.  As part of this marriage, it's my responsibility to support us while he figures out his dreams as much as it is his responsibility to support us while I do my thing, too.  We don't have this automatic "oh it's the MAN's job to support his family and the WOMAN's job to keep the home fires burning." 

In some marriages, that division works just fine, because one partner might LOVE their work and get a lot of personal fulfillment (and/or money), while the other could take it or leave it.  Same is true where one partner really feels like they NEED to be home. 

In our case, neither of us has a burning passion for the work we've been doing.  I really LIKE my job, for sure, but it doesn't complete me, nor bring me great personal fulfillment.  If I didn't have to do this kind of work for pay, I wouldn't.  (Unless you count my extensive list making and project planning for toddler birthday parties...)  I don't want either of us to feel "trapped" in a job they dislike because they are our sole source of support - that's a lot of pressure for one person to bear.

But keeping up my end of the support bargain is a struggle for me too.  I LOVE the domestic stuff.  I like having whole extra days to hang out with T (and now TJ), hence I'm keeping my part-time schedule, though I chose to increase my hours slightly.  My logical brain tells me I should go back to working full time so we have better financial prospects, but the emotional side knows that working full time will make me frazzled and tired.  Not to mention the thought of pumping milk for a tiny baby 5 days a week instead of just 2 or 3 makes me want to hide under my desk.

In my company and industry, part-time arrangements are VERY hard to come by so I want to hang on to mine as long as I possibly can.  I want us to have an arrangement where (at least) one parent is home when kids are done with school, we can attend kid events at school during the day, and where early dismissal and summer vacation aren't massive logistical problems.

But it doesn't always have to be ME.  The hard part is working it out so that *sometimes* it can be me and sometimes him.  I don't want to just swap traditional roles and become the person who is working 50 hours a week while TJ handles all the home stuff.  That's not my vision, either.  

But damn, is it hard to find that sweet spot.  For now, we're precariously balancing on it, and I am truly grateful.

14 comments:

  1. Nice post (and thanks for the shout-out). This really gets at the ideal of modern marriage -- that both parties support the other as they try to find a combination of work and life that works for them. I'd say that even in cases where one party clearly earns more, there are benefits to kids having both parents in their lives to the extent it's possible. And the good news is that, the higher you go up the ladder, it often is more possible -- people at the top control their schedules more than people climbing up.

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    1. Oh yeah, I agree that it really is a benefit for kids to have *both* parents as hands on as possible. I think that's much harder to accomplish when one person is shouldering the entire support burden, unless they have the benefit of flexibility as well (maybe as they get higher up). But it seems like those at the levels where they can get true flexibility are so driven by their careers that they don't *want* or *use* it. (At least in corporate America.)

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  2. Great post. I always wondered why society in general thinks it's such a great thing if one spouse, usually the man, works 50+ hours per week and rarely sees the kids, while the other one stays home. I'm not saying that's the only way 1 income works but it seems to happen a lot when only 1 person shoulders the burden, especially if the roles are traditional. I think working women in general still do a better job of making sure they get kid time. I think the main benefit I see of having 2 working spouses is that both get some time with their kids since it's not such a rigid division of primary vs. secondary caretaker.

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    1. I agree! I think it really does help w/ the equal sharing of labor, both kid- and house-related. I think Cloud has mentioned this on her blog before.

      I think the problem really lies in the inflexibility of corporate America. It's really freakin' hard to get a flexible work arrangement so in many cases it's just easier for one spouse to quit and the other to keep working a crazy full time schedule.

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  3. N and I are looking forward to finding that sweet spot too. Before when I was in grad school the income disparity was such that my work wasn't valued as much. It will be nice to give him a break from being the main provider with my newfound position and I welcome more partnership in parenting.

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    1. It's definitely hard when one spouse is in school! And it sounds like you guys have a lot going on right now so I also hope that it gets easier for you in the future :D

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  4. This is a great post. My husband works from home now and even that has made a really big difference in our family lives. We are just a fun, chohesive unit more. We have problems, of course, but I am glad that while I am taking a hiatus in my career we found a way to have more quality time all together. I think it is weird, but lately one of my big issues has been a close friend getting really jealous of me 'staying at home' and it is hard to deal with.

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    1. This is really interesting, re: your friend. I suspect she's just really unhappy with her own balance. I have several SAHM friends and it's definitely not a personal jealousy thing for me. But they are also really good about scheduling playdates, etc on days I'm not working, so I never feel excluded.

      Having your hubby WFH is pretty awesome too - totally cuts out commute time and doesn't make it seem like he's "gone" all day, right? I have a few friends who work from home and they love it.

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  5. I completely hear you! And I can understand where you're coming from. But I would not aspire to living your way.

    Laura sent me here to read your post, and if you're interested you can read our interchange in her comments.

    From that, you'll see that I do not believe that men and women are essentially interchangeable in the family and the workplace.

    The reason we disagree is, as Laura and others effectively pointed out, that I accept what the Bible says about men and women, a relatively unpopular thing to do.

    But I wish you well; your lifestyle seems to be working for you. I'm glad to live in a society where people can have open discussions and disagree respectfully.

    And, in one sense, it's about learning to live. Those of us outside the box can really benefit from seeing how the rest of the out-of-the-box crowd manages.

    Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Annie Kate - I think it's awesome that you so clearly articulate your beliefs and live by them, despite them being "unpopular". There are definite benefits to clearly communicating about the roles we play in our relationships, wherever they may come from.

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  6. Wonderful post--I love it when women can talk openly about the many complicated factors that go into this choice.

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  7. Have you seen the "equally shared parenting" site? Here it is: http://www.equallysharedparenting.com/

    The idea is that both parents are responsible for all of the aspects of parenting, and try to divide all aspects equally. You might find some things there that resonate for you.

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    1. YES! I read about that couple on Motherlode when I was pregnant with T, and remember thinking that was so awesome. I need to add their book to my list. At the time I had no idea we'd actually be able to get to something sort of like that (or that my husband would even be interested!).

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