And now you're thinking, "what kind of books is she reading to her kids?!" One of the common themes in kids' books is words that are opposites. We have at least 3 books that tackle this topic: Boynton's Opposites, the most excellent Hippo Opposites by Janik Coat, and parts of I'll Teach My Dog A Lot of Words by Frith.
In I'll Teach My Dog A Lot of Words, there's a comparison that bugs the crap out of me. Fat and Thin. The illustration is with animals and it's not making a value judgment, but it still bothers me. First, as anyone with a toddler or preschooler knows, they are way into classifying things in their environment.
They also have no filter, especially when in public. Like the time T pointed out "Mama, look at that brown baby eating a banana!" very loudly while we were in Trader Joe's. Not offensive, of course, just a little uncomfortable when everyone can hear.
So back to the books. I don't really need "fat" in my preschooler's vocabulary. I can't think of one situation where it's ok to apply that word to a person and I sure as heck DO NOT want them using it to describe themselves.
There are plenty of other words to describe *things* that weigh a lot or look big - heavy, fluffy, large, etc. Boynton and Coat both get it - they use heavy/light and show animals on a see-saw or in a hot air balloon/under water to illustrate this.
And no doubt, preschoolers raised on these books will likely find some other way to comment on people's size, like big or heavy, and they still need to learn that it's not appropriate to comment on strangers' appearances (unless directly giving them a compliment, of course).
But I think getting rid of "fat" would go a long way. Language matters.
I know what you mean. Nandini pointed at two African-American gentleman today and loudly asked "Indians?" I don't know if it is rude or funny or both, but I did kinda laugh. They are so innocent. The thing that breaks my heart is little girls questioning if they are fat.
ReplyDeleteHah, Nandini is just channeling all those older Indians who randomly come up to me and ask where I'm from, usually in Hindi. :)
DeleteYeah, it was totally random. I mean, when do we talk about people like that? When in doubt, blame the grandparents..
DeleteWhen Emmett was around 2 we were taking a walk and an African-American man was on his driveway washing his car. Emmett said, "What's that Laker doing over there?" because David watches a lot of basketball...
DeleteThere's a Elephant opposites book that I really like, especially with the identical pictures for "smart" and "stupid", but it also has the "fat" and "thin" pictures. To its credit, the thin elephant looks very abnormal and unhealthy.
ReplyDeleteAmen to that!!!
ReplyDeletei so agree with you..
ReplyDeletethey don't need that word in their vocab just yet.
Oh yes! B likes Curious George books and we got some really really old ones from the library (written in like 1910 or something) and they use the F word as a matter-of-fact description ("2 policemen, one thin & one fat") and I always changed the words to "one big and one small" or something else because I don't want him using that word in the loud, public, toddler way.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest offenders, however, are the grandparents. I guess they aren't so squeamish about words like Fat, Old, etc... but they aren't the ones dying of mortification when the 3 year old yells his descriptions of people on the bus.
I agree, it's tough though :)
ReplyDeleteSo I'm going to get on my soap box AND be disagreeable in my comment, all at one time. Because I'm a multi-tasker like that.
ReplyDeleteTo my way of thinking, the problem is not with the word fat. The problem is with our overloading of that word to also mean: choose_from(stupid, ugly, awful, digusting, undisciplined, shameful, unworthy ...) You're so right that language matters, but let's not misuse the language. And let's not translate in our brains from the simple word Fat to one or more of those choices up there.
Now, I'm all for teaching my kids to have a filter because my values aren't everyone's values and aren't visible to everyone. Publicly discussing someone's looks is disrespectful and kids don't come out knowing that, so it's a process. (My kids have stared and/or publicly commented on other stuff too, like a big birthmark or someone who's really really tall or a wheelchair. This is not OK, and we've had to talk about that fact. But I am sure as hell careful to have those conversations in such a way as to be clear that the kid in the wheelchair has no reason to be ASHAMED of that fact.)
I think by consciously avoiding the word, you just reinforce the message that it is capital-B BAD. So bad you can't even bring yourself to SAY the word. Kids notice that stuff. Especially when it's reinforced around them at every turn.
The bottom line is that hippos are fat. And thin is the opposite of fat and giraffes are thin. The real value-add that you can have as a parent is to counteract the cultural phenomenon that tells us that that's somehow inexcusable.
Jan - I see your point, and for older kids, totally agree with the approach. But for toddlers/preschoolers? I don't think they need the word in their vocabulary.
DeleteI'm all for changing our cultural norms, but the fact is, it's not going to change any time soon. And I do think calling someone 'fat' is more hurtful than other synonyms (though of course we shouldn't be commenting on anyone's appearance, really).
I don't see it as an important word to learn for the 1.5-4yo set as it's just likely to backfire. I don't need any extra "teachable moments" ;)
Again, excellent parenting.
ReplyDeleteI would also stay away from portly. = )
I'm going to +1 to Jan's post. I think the problem is really the underlying value judgement, which you know but the kids don't, and they'll pick up on it. Why is fat a bad word? But thin is not? These are the questions they'll ask, or maybe just hold in their minds as they get older.
ReplyDeleteYou already know that I'm on the language is powerful and usage matter bench from other topics. On this one, though, I think we need to send the message that What You Do matters a lot more than How You Look.
PS, it's also in "One Fish, Two Fish." If anything, it just goes to show how much our language norms have changed over the past 50 years!
DeleteI forgot about One Fish Two Fish. And I do agree that newer books seem to avoid it, so maybe it's a moot issue. I'm all for the message that looks don't matter, of course. I just think toddlers and young preschoolers are not going to get the whole "society sees this as a value judgment but it shouldn't be" thing.
DeleteI see this as similar to when T brought home the phrase "What the heck is that?" thanks to one of her preschool friends. It's not a BAD word, but in our house, it sure isn't appropriate for a 3yo.
Stuff like this is going to happen more and more, but I'd love for the things I *choose* to bring into my house to not create *more* problems for me.
Ha!
DeleteMy 7 and 8 year olds picked up the habit of saying "WHAT the ...?" Try explaining why that one isn't OK with me without actually giving them an instruction manual of curse words (which I think they have by in large managed to avoid learning).
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm working on effective communication without judgement and without being on my righteous high horse. So I've deleted my previous comment. This more expresses what I want to say:
ReplyDeleteA year ago, I would have agreed with Jan. But, I've been following the debate on the word retard on Schuyler's Monster Blog. Some people are making the exact same argument about retard that Jan makes about fat. It really got me thinking.
Ultimately, words are for communicating with others. Thus, i would argue that it matters more what others think than what your intent is. I would like my communication to be effective. I would like to display sensitivity and compassion for others. Therefore, I choose not to use the words retard and fat, and I will teach my children to do the same.
Thanks for the link Ginger, and the carefully considered words. I didn't think your first response was bad at all.
DeleteThat is definitely a hard thing to teach/learn in our culture - that it's about how the person on the receiving end feels, not about what you meant. I wonder if other cultures are more sensitive to that.
Interesting and informative post and comments! In theory I have to say I agree with Jan, but in practice I think I'd be horrified if my son were to point at people and call them fat. I think I'd be ready to teach him the word when he's also ready to understand when I try to explain all the points that Jan is making. That said, I don't know what to do about him learning the word from other kids. Try to come with my own lesson the word as soon as possible?
ReplyDelete