I don't like traveling. It seems obligatory to put it on one's wish list, but I've finally accepted that this is someone else's dream, not mine.I thought about when I looked at other people's Mondo Beyondo dream lists and noted how surprised I was about how different they all are. Many (most?) of them included some form of travel, usually to far away destinations. Some of them including things like *moving* to a developing nation to do charitable work.
And each time I read one of these, I realized I don't want any of those things. And I felt a little twinge of guilt about that. I mean, shouldn't I want to see the world? And clearly I *should* want to help those far less fortunate than myself. It made me feel selfish.
But seriously, isn't the best time to be selfish when you're coming up with your list of dreams *for yourself*? I'm not being true to myself if I include things I don't really want to do, just because I think they make me look good when I tell people about them. And how unsatisfying is that - to work towards something I don't really want?
As women, we're culturally programmed to think of other people all the time. To forego our own needs (especially mothers).
I think it takes courage to dream our own dreams, without worrying about what other people think, or feeling obligated to include certain things on our lists. Go forth and be brave!
the guilt of doing something for yourself when you're 'supposed to be a mother and only that' is centuries old. Everyone has their own perspective. I believe that the years where you need to be selfless and giving continue throughout a mother's life but the quality of selflessness changes. Right now, in the toddler years of my baby's life...i enjoy being a mother and maybe some call this 'just being a mother' but that's all I actually want to do right now. The time is not far where my baby's needs will change in ways that I will miss these young needy years so I plan to enjoy this time to the fullest. People ask me ' So what do you do fr your self?' - I want to be the best mother I can be and that is all I want for myself right now. Maybe in 5 years i'd want to fly out for a girls weekend someplace and that would be ok...my child would care a lot less about that than he does right now and so would I.
ReplyDeleteMy dream is my child and I am living that right now....I wanted to add the perspective that there is pressure on the other side from friends to not 'just be a mother' and I don't believe we should give up for what we want to do as a mother and as a human being just because someone else thinks being a mother isn't fulfilling in itself:)
That's interesting that you're getting pressure from friends about this choice. Maybe you need new ones who get it :)
DeleteI think different people need different amounts of "me time", and when people ask you about it, they're projecting their own needs onto you.
If you are happy with your situation, then that's all that matters, right? :)
these are insecure 'friends' who've made choices different from mine ... you know those people who need to validate their lives by ensuring someone else makes similar choices and has similar experiences:)
DeleteGood for you to have the courage to be and do something that suits you...to each their own!
There's a fine line here that I wanted to point out in your post...
ReplyDelete"isn't the best time to be selfish when you're coming up with your list of dreams *for yourself*"
It's not selfish to name your OWN dreams, it is authentic.
I don't particularly want to travel much because I have already traveled a ton, but I only found out I didn't want to travel by traveling. Kind of like growing out my hair again. A dream, I thought, until I tried to grow it.
I agree that it is honest and authentic, but it felt selfish to me when I admitted that I didn't want to travel or go to Africa and do charity work. Like I wasn't being socially aware/responsible enough.
DeleteWhy does going to Africa have to be your "giving back"? I admire people who pull up stakes and go to third world countries to help, but I like to help right here at home. There's more than enough that needs to be done in our own backyard.
ReplyDeleteI never feel selfish abuot not wanting to go to Africa (or any place) to help. In 2005 when Katrina hit, a good friend took her entire vacation time (3 months) and went to help out. She bragged about what she was doing...and for me it wasn't about helping, it was about a "look at me" moment for her. THAT's selfish.
Being single, and no children I am a very selfish person. I can afford to be, it's just me. My dreams are still my dreams and I will still continue to dream.
I think any improvement people make in their lives, for themselves, ultimately benefits everyone else...so is that really selfish or selfless?
Good point about improving oneself. I guess for me right now, actively giving my time to charity causes is not a priority. I can write a check more easily right now.
DeleteMaybe that'll change in the future.
I'm sure plenty of charities would rather have your money than your time right now!
DeleteI dunno, most of what I want to do, and most of what I do with my life involves giving back (my research, my teaching, etc.). It's how I was brought up. It's what my aunts do with their careers (my mom, more with her advocacy). They make a lot of money, but not as much money as if they weren't working for the government or hospitals etc. They take over things and make them better because they can't stand people making a mess of things (and neither can I).
ReplyDeleteA lot of that is a luxury I have because I have the skills to make money even doing something that helps other people. I don't make as much money as I would make in the private sector or even in an MBA program, but what I do is worthwhile. But I also don't have to make *that* big a sacrifice... http://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2010/12/20/women-need-more-money/ Social work is not worth it for me.
At a certain point in the income/wealth trajectory, my selfish wants are fulfilled. I get to eat the fancy cheese. After that I start looking outward. How do I fix things, how do I make things grow, how to I encourage things I care about? If I weren't already feeling fulfilled in the selfish stuff my future plans would be more selfish, but we've been doing pretty well for ourselves for a while and now there's more to life. (Though when we had more time, I did more volunteer work... now with money but not time we do more giving.)
There's a theory in economics that charitable giving is selfish. It provides a "warm glow" that makes people feel better about themselves. So maybe giving back is selfish. (It's one of several different economic theories of why people give.)
I also am not crazy about travel; I do too much for work. Our house is already too much. I don't see the point in jewelry. So why wouldn't I rather spend money helping kids get educated? If our situation were different we'd want a nicer house or to travel more... but we have "enough" and more in those respects, at least for now.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that people shouldn't have those goals and dreams to help out/give back whatnot. I think it's great that you've made the choice to do that a priority for yourself.
DeleteBut I'm saying it's ok for one's personal dream/goal list to NOT have that as a priority and that we shouldn't be forced to add it because someone else thinks it's the right thing to do.
Great post. "I think it takes courage to dream our own dreams, without worrying about what other people think, or feeling obligated to include certain things on our lists. Go forth and be brave!" Amen, sister!
ReplyDeleteI get what you mean - It's generic really. My dreams don't have to be your dreams and dreams don't have to be 'huge' to have meaning. After all, it's personal. But it can seem like there are goals you should* have.
ReplyDeleteAh, the courage to dream! I think it's hard to separate out what one should want from what one truly wants. They are inextricably tied. Look at the dreams of homeownership, children, vacations in exotic locations, etc. We are supposed to want these things. Even the dream of doing something productive with our lives is a product of our culture. But really, do I care what influences my dreams as long as I find fulfillment in them?
ReplyDeleteBut therein lies the rub. Which dreams are mine? I've toed the line for so long that I don't even know. But, I'm just somewhat talking out of fear at this point, because we are about to take another leap at a new stretch dream. After the failures of the last ones, it's hard to get up and do it again. It's great to read stuff like this to shore up the courage! (Because, really, a large part of my fear of failure is worrying about what others think, and the courage you talk about here is also the courage to live life on my own terms.)
Ooh, I want to know what the next thing is for you guys :D
Delete