Monday, September 03, 2012

Sometimes it's just too discouraging

I think I need a break from reading parenting-related blogs and the anonymous questions list at work.  I suppose that's inevitable since I've been reading these things since I got pregnant with T in early 2009. 

At first it was nice to get the facts and information I was craving - things I didn't even know I needed about nursing, baby sleep, etc.  And then it was nice to see that not everyone just automagically knows what they're doing when they give birth to a baby - it's a learning curve, and often a steep, sleep-deprived one.

But as of late, I'm finding that there's a definite bias towards the negative in what I'm reading.  Maybe people don't write about the good times, and only feel motivated to write when they need support.  But I also think the pendulum has swung so far to the other side of people not wanting to sound all "puppies and rainbows" about parenting, that sometimes it feels like all I read about is how HARD it is and how the days are long, and how it's not very fulfilling.

This post on AskMoxie is the straw that broke the camel's back for me.  I know her site has long been a refuge for people (including myself) about the "real truth" in parenting, but the more I've been reading the comments lately, the more it just brings me down.  She poses a fascinating question for people to answer - how people have changed since becoming parents.  It's something I think about a lot.

Reading response after response in the comments about how people don't feel like they're measuring up to their parenting goals, or how they are unfulfilled by the "job" of parenting, made me not want to comment.  I'm not invalidating others' experiences, but definitely reading that many negatives really depressed me. 

And again, maybe it's that I'm not hanging out in the right corners of the Internet.  I think people use the Internet to rant, because they can be anonymous, so it's likely biased towards the stuff you wouldn't tell your best friend or your partner.

But when I think of how I've changed since becoming a mother, it IS puppies and rainbows.  My life is filled with a joy I had never imagined.  I wasn't a little girl who dreamed of being a mommy someday.  I was perfectly happy to accept a life without kids (and it sure looked like it was headed that way.)  I'm selfish about my time and my sleep.

Even the day to day is overall good.  Sure, there was the horrendous day at 12 weeks when T wouldn't stop crying or nursing and I wondered just what exactly we had gotten ourselves into.  But most of the crappy things are blurry in my big picture.  We have WAY more good days than bad ones, even with the delightfulness of 2.5.

If the money tree grew in our backyard, I'd quit my job in a heartbeat and hang out with my little family.  This has brought purpose to my life far more than my career ever did (and I genuinely LIKE my job.) 

Maybe that's true for everyone (or a lot of people), but sometimes it feels like there's no place for that kind of joy on the Internet.  People think you're lying, or sugarcoating, or my favorite, "being judgmental", like the negative side is a more valid experience.

I find Facebook to be a lot more realistic, maybe because these are real people that I know, and they're sharing both the good and the bad.  The fact that someone else's 2yo is potty trained and they're happy about it, doesn't come across to me as judgmental that mine isn't.   All I think is "hooray!" for those friends and their diaper-free existence. 

And of course, there's real life, where I get to hear both the good and the bad from friends directly, which gives me a more balanced picture.  It was delightful to hear a friend telling me about a perfect evening she had with their (fairly new) family of 4.  And it's not that I don't want to hear the hard parts - I do want to be forewarned and also want to be a good friend.  But in real life, I get both sides of the story, not just an endless stream of "this sucks".

So yeah, a break from the mommyblogs and anonymous questions is in order.  Is it just me or do you notice this too?

18 comments:

  1. "But when I think of how I've changed since becoming a mother, it IS puppies and rainbows. My life is filled with a joy I had never imagined. I wasn't a little girl who dreamed of being a mommy someday. I was perfectly happy to accept a life without kids (and it sure looked like it was headed that way.) I'm selfish about my time and my sleep."

    I think you just described me as well. I NEVER thought I'd be into being a mom, but sometimes just seeing my baby smile and laugh is enough to make me feel like I have everything I'll ever want. It's also a huge ego boost to be that important to someone.

    I suspect the negativity on the internet has to do with people seeking out the internet when they need help/ advice, not that they necessarily view parenthood as negative all the time. I should hope not anyway!

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    1. Yeah, I didn't think I'd like it much either, especially after the cute baby stage, but it's still really fun. Also I love having someone around who thinks I'm funny and smart nearly all the time :)

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  2. Really interesting question to think about it :). Couple of thoughts come to my mind...first, I wonder if those of us who didn't "dream of being a mom all their lives" come at this differently. Maybe those who did dream of it come into it with very high (unrealistic?) expectations, and are thus prone to disappointment? I know a few women who would probably fit that description.

    I think you just have to read this stuff with the knowledge that things are always more complicated than you know. Who knows what their situation is at that particular time? I bet many of them would answer differently a year before or after. Do they have a supportive spouse? Are they in a crappy job? Are they in a difficult behavior stage, not getting enough sleep, having marriage problems, etc? All these things affect how happy a parent is at any point in time and it's easy to lose sight of the good when you're dealing with something hard. And I do think people tend to go online more when they need help.

    I could probably use myself as an example: I have a special needs child. I am reminded every single day that being a parent is not exactly what I expected :). Fortunately, I embrace that and am a happy parent and it has definitely made me a better person. But are there days I don't feel the love? Yes! If I was online on one of those days, would I say something negative? Maybe...

    Yay for puppies and rainbows!

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    1. Dre - I think you really made a great point here. Maybe blog comments, and even blog posts of people I don't know personally are like point-in-time snapshots, and people might be more likely to turn to those things when they're not feeling so great about the whole thing. Since I don't know them IRL, I'm never getting the other side, even if I recognize their "names" online.

      And yeah, I guess when you come into it with NO expectations, most anything is pretty good :) You are definitely someone I see who is pretty damn joyful about the whole parenting thing despite the challenges. And I love that.

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  3. I think it is definitely an anonymous blog thing. My private family blog is full of photos, puppies, and rainbows. I love having both my boys sleep on me. I wouldn't go back to just one kid. I can say that less than two months in it has gotten SO much better, so maybe the blogs you are reading do just have people in tough stages. This week none of my posts are about parenting difficulties! :)

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    1. :) I keep reading your blog because I can see the happiness there too. I'm not saying people should never write about the bad stuff, just that sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the bad stuff on broader forums and parenting sites. Also I like reading yours because it tells me what's coming in a month for me!

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  4. Sure, I think we all reach our saturation point. You've been very kind to leave comments on my last two posts. How many blogs do you read? Honestly, for as much as I'd like to write more, I haven't gotten the flow of it. And I really don't read any blogs. Sometimes I get hooked on one, read back a year or so and be done. Mommy updates on FB are more than enough for me to get a fill of everyone's up and down days.
    I'm also curious if the overall vibe out there is sounding exhausted from being home with kids all summer? Or if we as parents are too linked in to the parenting quests of others that we feel like we're not performing our best.

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    1. Interesting thought about summer vacations. I probably read about 8-10 blogs regularly (of those linked on the sidebar). My list changes over time, based on what I'm interested in (super crafty vs parenting, etc.)

      I guess Facebook, etc makes it easier to 'compare' what other parents are doing, and maybe that makes some people feel bad too? Dunno.

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  5. Honestly, about 3/4 of my way through my pregnancy with Rachel, I decided that I didn't need my old parenting boards. I stopped seeking out advice from anonymous sources, but relied on the experience and advice that my friends and family could offer. Sounds like what you are going through.

    As for how I have changed since becoming a mother, well that takes more time than I have for now. I do have one thing to say, how I have changed just keeps changing, and I expect it to evolve as my kids get older.

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    1. Yes, definitely we keep changing, and I think that's a good thing! If you do write about it, let me know, as I'd love to read it.

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  6. I think it's the nature of the medium..you get one-side of the story. Maybe it's puppies and rainbows on Facebook because you're not anonymous and may be friends with co-workers..you don't want to be seen as too negative. On blogs, it's the opposite..a place to vent. I can totally imagine a mom posting cute baby pictures/puppy&rainbow captions on her facebook page and then blogging about the hard day she's had with that same baby, on the same day!

    I was thinking of a post along this lines, if I ever get to it...

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    1. That's an interesting thought too - that some people would show one side on FB and the other on a blog somewhere. Hmmm. Maybe that's one of those "there's no substitute for real-life friendship" things.

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  7. I think the anonymity on the Internet brings out haters. But yes, I wind up not reading a whole lot of "pure" parenting blogs. I am just trying to get through life with my kids intact. There isn't a philosophy.

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    1. Yeah, in reality I'm guessing everyone's philosophy is "a little of this, a little of that" and really we focus on getting through the days which can be sometimes awesome and sometimes pretty sucky. For me it helps to always have the "big picture" in the back of my mind, ie what kind of parent I want T to remember. It helps me realize that some(most?) power struggles are really not worth fighting.

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  8. I totally feel you, I take breaks from time to time, and often my blog entries are negative (I'm working on it). Moxie has been up and down for me, sometimes it stresses me out, and most of the time I find it validating and comforting. BUT yes I totally know what you mean. And I also say f*** 'em. It's your blog, you write what you feel, that's what matters and that's why your readers read you.

    Also random aside, I think negative/contentious stuff tends to get more reads/comments, whereas happy/contented stuff gets overlooked. Ya know? Sending you positive vibes, waitin for that baby of yours :)

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    1. Thanks VM! You are SO right that the negative stuff gets way more comments/views. That has been true of my "mama drama" posts here as well, which is a bummer since I don't especially love those posts. But that's the way the world works, I guess. On the Internet, anyway :D

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  9. I also turn to the internet and blogs, in general, for hope, happiness, and uplifting stories. If I'm a longtime reader of a blog and they are going through a rough patch, I'm there for them. But blogs that are constantly at a low level are hard for me to read - I think because I'm generally a pretty happy person and I'd like to stay that way.

    Not to suck up or anything, but I find your blog delightfully upbeat :).

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    1. Thanks Lynn! I love compliments, of course :) Over the years, I've realized to my complete surprise that I'm an optimist. I never would have imagined that in my gloomy, black-clad, heavy metal listening, teen years ;)

      And yeah, I definitely don't expect folks to be happy all the time. I just can't read a torrent of depressing stuff, esp on blogs with LOTS of commenters, where it seems like it's a pile on of "me too" and people are then afraid to have an opposing viewpoint.

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