When someone asks me where I'm from, I tell them I'm originally from Pittsburgh. As any ethnic-looking person will tell you, this elicits a variety of responses. Thankfully in culturally-aware Seattle, that's the end of the conversation. In previous locations, I got my oh-so-favorite rude followup - "No, I mean, where are you REALLY from?" Because brown people can't actually be from Pittsburgh, right?
When I was younger I was too nice to be confrontational and was trying to fit in, so I'd say something like "well, my parents came here from India" which is apparently the "real" answer they were looking for. And then the questioner would compliment my English. Sigh. This really pissed me off for a long time and now that I live somewhere that people GET IT, I can finally laugh about it.
The core of why this bothers me is because I self-identify primarily as American. Or American with Indian ancestry. I'll settle for Indian-American (IA), but honestly, the American part comes first for me. (Which of course leads to confusion, because I'm not *that* kind of Indian...)
And that self-identification gave me a lot of grief from childhood on. I'm sure I let down my parents and extended family by not being "Indian enough" - the classic 2nd generation struggle. I stopped speaking Tamil pretty early, though I understood most of what people said to me. (In my defense, all of my relatives speak English.)
As a tween and teen, I hated wearing Indian clothing. (It still feels unnatural to me.) I didn't watch Hindi or Tamil movies or listen to the music from those films. Most of my friends were white Americans. I was really, really into 80s hair metal. I am not religious.
A lot of this probably happened because of the time and place where I grew up. The suburbs of Pittsburgh were not exactly a cultural melting pot. I don't think I knew a single Latino there, and there were just a handful of Asian kids at any school I attended. In my small Catholic middle school, I'm pretty sure I was the only one. I was teased a lot.
But part of it was my personality (though I wasn't that self-aware at the time!).
I couldn't understand my Indian-American friends who had "Indian friends only" parties and had separate gatherings with their non-Indian school friends. For me, friends were friends and of course I'd invite them all if I was having a party.
I didn't get it when my Indian-American friends said their summers spent in India with relatives were "like coming home" when all my trips to India made me feel like the foreigner I was, and I couldn't wait to get back to my familiar suburban American lifestyle and friends.
I never joined the Indian Associations at college or grad school. I didn't feel like I needed to specifically hang out with other Indians or Indian-Americans, though of course I have friends with those backgrounds.
I didn't exclusively date Indian or Indian-American guys, like a lot of my IA friends. Sure, there was more explaining I had to do about family culture or religious traditions if my boyfriend wasn't of Indian descent, but really, it wasn't that hard or insurmountable. I didn't feel like I *had* to end up with a partner of Indian ancestry for it to work out.
As you can imagine, there was a big gap in what was expected of me and what I wanted. For a long time I couldn't resolve this. I'm a stubborn person and big on doing things my way, so I made the choices I needed to in order to be happy (wear what I want, date who I want, etc.)
This caused me a lot of angst because I think Indian culture is a lot about fulfilling family expectations and deprioritizing individual preferences for family harmony. Which of course is pretty much the diametric opposite of our American culture that emphasizes individual happiness over doing thingsto keep others happy.
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| Photo by Kristi Lloyd Photography |
I talked through some of this with the couples counselor we spoke with for premarital counseling. But I didn't work it out until I was pregnant with T. I had a sort of epiphany. This is who I am, and that is perfectly OK.
Not having a strong tie to my Indian culture sounds bad, but only because that's what other people had been telling me. I'm actually very happy with the choices I've made. I want to be a strong, self-confident woman for my daughter. I don't feel like I've "lost" anything, because if I did, I'd know where to find it again. And I simply don't want to.
I can't believe it took me 34 years to figure that out, but I'm so glad I did, because I can raise my daughter with confidence. She will learn about loving foods from all cultures, learn about all religions and have respect for them and those who choose to opt out, and forge her way through life, self-identifying as she chooses.
Maybe she'll check the boxes for both White and South Asian. Maybe she'll choose to learn Tamil when she gets older, or spend time in India. Hopefully she'll be spared the angst I had. Which is what all parents hope for their kids, right - that they'll have an easier time than we did?
And I hope she'll never have to answer "But where are you REALLY from?" or get compliments on her English.
wonderful, enlightening article, anandi:)
ReplyDeleteYes, "Where are you REALLY from?" & "Your English is very good...." Two phrases that totally irritate me. In this day and age ??? Sigh!
ReplyDeleteAnandi, I can relate, kind of in reverse.
ReplyDeleteI'm half-Mexican. It's one of those things that I have to tell people, and even then, they don't believe me. My skin isn't brown enough. My name isn't Spanish enough. My English is too good, and my Spanish is too nonexistent. I don't have family back in Mexico.
But none of that matters. I am who I am. In fact, who I am isn't defined by my heritage, but by who I am every day. Indeed, if I look back in my family tree, I would have to admit that my people subjugated my people, that my people fought back against them, but then changed religion to fit in with my people. If I follow the lines back, I would call myself my own worst blood enemy.
But none of that matters. Ultimately, I exist because of love. I am human. That is enough.
That is lovely, John. Thanks for the awesome comment.
DeleteGood post! My husband sometimes encounters the same: his father is from Indonesia (which used to be a Dutch colony until the fifties), so he's not completely white either. When we tell people we're from Holland, he usually gets the question if he's from Holland too. He doesn't really mind this question and just explains.
ReplyDeleteBut I sometimes wonder what peoples heritage is too, so what would you find an appropriate way of asking that?
I'm totally not against honest curiosity - it's the ASSUMPTIONS that bug the crap out of me. (And the condescension about my English!). "What's your ethnic background, if you don't mind my asking?" is a perfectly reasonable question to me.
DeleteBut... Bollywood music is awesome! Especially when Felicia Day is singing it. (I listen to the Bollywood hour on the way home from work on the semesters I teach a night class.)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMrN3Rh55uM
You have a Bollywood hour on your local radio?! Wow.
DeleteOn the second university station (we have two). Once a week. We may be a small town, but we have a lot of international students!
DeleteLike John says. It's also interesting how intercultural marriage changes the kids identities further. My dad is Mexican-American and the only one of 5 siblings to marry a non-hispanic. My dad's kids (4 of us) all married non-hispanics, our 10 cousins all married/dated hispanics, even though not a single one of my cousins can speak Spanish. Perhaps because we're also the only ones who lived in predominantly non-hispanic neighborhoods, but I still I find it puzzling given that other than skin color they're not really any more hispanic than I am.
ReplyDeleteOoh, fascinating. I'm interested in things like this. I wonder if your cousins just knew more Hispanic/Latino folks so the odds were higher their partners would also be the same? Or if their families were actively promoting the idea?
DeleteThere definitely are people who are just more comfortable with someone of the same background (or similar) even without the language thing. There was a recent article in the NYT about how there's a huge increase in Asian-Americans from different cultures marrying each other because of the similarities overall.
Thank you for the shout out!
ReplyDelete"Not having a strong tie to my Indian culture sounds bad, but only because that's what other people had been telling me. I'm actually very happy with the choices I've made."
That's great!!
Also, self-identification need not be this big, permanent thing. We get to change our perceptions and our priorities as our lives change. I know I've thought a lot more about my own identities since having kids.
Oh yeah, definitely having a kid was a huge factor for me in thinking about it and feeling like I needed to stop feeling "guilty" or "not x enough".
DeleteI'm glad you've come to a place where you are happy with your choices! That's huge. I can often pass as white (a lot of people are more comfortable assuming I'm Italian), but a big part of me is being Latina. When people find out they will then give me the compliments on my English. :)
ReplyDeleteSigh. yeah, I'm totally not criticizing people who DO identify with their culture more than I do. But it's so weird that people are more "comfortable" with you as an Italian. We still have a long way to go, I guess. I suppose it's no different from how the entertainment industry does casting and changes character race all the time to make it more "acceptable" or whatnot. grrr.
Delete...my comments were turning into my own blog post :)
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing!
I would like to read it :)
DeleteSo many things here resonate with me!
ReplyDeleteAs a Hispanic, I've been told more than once that I should be ashamed of myself for not speaking spanish or imbibing the Mexican culture. Excuse me? I self-identify as American. That's American with absolutely no hyphens. I love my country, my culture, my language. I am not ashamed. (Note that I absolutely respect those who straddle multiple cultures and hold on to old traditions.)
My husband and I also self-identify as mutts. I'm a mix of Mayan, Spanish and Eastern European. (I don't say Mexican, because it's not clear where exactly my ancestors hailed from. That knowledge seems to be lost.) Schuyler is Irish and a Russian Jew. I'm not sure how to classify our children, but I wonder how much it will really matter for the next generation of Americans with so much inter-marrying going on.
I love this post. I've been meaning to comment on it for days, but now that I am, I cannot remember what I was going to say except that you wrote pretty much everything I would have written, too.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting post. I am an Indian-American girl from the pittsburgh suburbs too!! I grew up in Indiana, Pa and we actually had quite a few Indian families near us then. We moved to Allentown in eastern PA and there were much fewer. I had the same experience of being the only one of two Indian girls in my catholic middle school, but I'd say I got teased much more in public school. My best friend in high school was a Tamil girl and was eventually forbidden from seeing her by her parents for my 'bad influence'. Other than that most of my friends were (are) white. I never really joined the Indian clubs, because I wanted to have my own identity. I married a Jewish boy, which was crazy. I could go on and on, but I guess it means we should connect!
ReplyDeleteHah, that's kind of like a badge of honor that you were someone's "Bad Influence". Awesome :)
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