Something to talk about

A friend posted a link to the New York Times article following up with the moms from the "Opt-Out Revolution" 10 years ago.  It's an easy read, so go take a look and come back.  I'll wait.  :)

It didn't seem entirely surprising to me.  Of course it's hard to return to work after an extended time out, of course you'll earn less money than if you stayed, and of course you won't be able to just "jump back in" where you left off.

One of the things I heard a lot when I was contemplating quitting my job (and it was a lot of contemplation, 3.5 years' worth) was how irresponsible it is to stop earning my own money.

It's all about one's personal risk tolerance, though.  I think it's also about the natural balance between focusing on NOW vs the future.  Some people are planners and risk averse, so they are more likely to make decisions now that will ensure fewer bad things happening in the future. For example, keeping a good job now because who knows what might be available a few years from now.

I thought I was in that category. When I learned to drive, I would figure out a plan that involved the least number of lane changes required, because changing lanes seemed more dangerous and terrifying to me.  I'm not much of a gambler. I have no desire to skydive, bungee jump or parasail.

I won't lie. I am freaked out about not having my own paycheck.  (Though my Etsy shop is doing a good job sustaining my craft supply addiction.)  But I am (mostly) zen about The Future.

Maybe I'm being naive or blissfully ignorant about the Bad Things That Could Happen but I don't want to make decision out of fear of what might happen. If the trouble comes, then I'll go back to work full time. I might be penalized for "opting out", but I'm aware of that.  My more relaxed days now are worth it *to me*.

The lesson I learned from the NYT article, though, is a HUGE one. I think it's essential for both partners to continually evaluate the arrangement and TALK ABOUT IT.  All the freakin' time. Until you're sick of talking about it.

Are we happy where we are? Are expectations unrealistic or uncomfortable? What does the money situation look like now, and in 6 months?  Do we want to trade places?  What's bothering you right now about this arrangement?

I guess I read the article differently from most - I felt like the key issue with all of the women interviewed was in their marriage, not their decision not to work. It seemed like in some cases, the mom was the default as the stay-home parent, when maybe that wasn't the best choice. In other cases, it seemed like the partnership shifted over time and the new expectations or desires were not explicitly discussed. But I saw that as a communication issue, not "proof" that "opting out" is a bad idea universally.

In addition to my husband, I've known several people, both male and female, who took a year or longer break from working for all sorts of different reasons. I'm heartened by the fact that none of them have had issues finding interesting, well-paying work when they were finally ready to go back.  That inspires me to keep working on constructing the life I want right now.

So for now, I'm still waiting for that perfect part-time PM job to come along.

It takes a while for it all to come together.

Patiently.

I'm always workin', slavin' every day

Baby.

Bonus points if you guess where that song lyric is from.

I had the perfect flexible "job" today where I was able to bring my baby and leave in time for T's preschool pickup. Even better, it involved craft supplies.

A few months ago, I signed up for the Citrus Twist kit for my Project Life pages. The first month it arrived, I was surprised to find that the return address on the package was a small town 20 minutes from us.  That month, my kit took a week to arrive because USPS thought my box needed a vacation in Jacksonville, FL (seriously).

You know I have a weakness for craft supplies, and especially papercrafty kits. Given that I was soon going to be jobless but didn't want to give up my kit subscriptions, I asked Trina, the business owner if she needed any help.

To my surprise she said yes! So today I got a behind-the-scenes peek into the fascinating world of running a scrapbook kit club.  BabyM and I went to her house after our Starbucks run (I really need to give that up!) and Trina gave me a job to do - measuring and cutting lengths of gorgeous ombre-colored twine for this month's kits.

Tasks like this relax me. One of my all-time favorite jobs in college was sorting mail for the Chemical Engineering department.  Campus Mail Services dropped off a huge box with all the mail for the building.  It was my job to put the mail into each individual's mailbox and forward items to folks who were no longer there.  I did this for one hour twice a day every weekday.

It was a welcome respite from hours of chemistry, math and physics lectures and the looming problem sets that were always due.  Not to mention that $10/hour was a kingly sum for my 18-year-old self.  Unexpectedly, that job yielded me 2 offers for paid summer research positions and I met a lot of graduate students and faculty I never would have talked to otherwise.  Opportunity often knocks when I'm least expecting it.

Today I had a great time chatting with Trina about how she runs her business, new paper products (swoon), and our families.  BabyM played (mostly) quietly on the floor next to us.  I didn't get as much done as I had hoped, but will go back next week while BabyM plays with her grandparents.

It was a neat way to spend a few hours this morning, and despite forgetting to take photos, I'll definitely include it in my upcoming Project Life layout!

I ain't workin' here no more

Photo by JASELabs on Flickr

I sent out my "goodbye email" today at work.  I sent the email to about 75 people I've worked with over 10 years.  10 years! I can't believe that I'm even old enough to have worked somewhere for 10 years.  Sigh.   

It was emotionally harder than I thought, considering I haven't actually been AT work since mid-September.  I've been in limbo for so long with my job - maternity leave, my extended vacation/internal job search, and before that, the never-ending reorganization in my group.

But now it seems real and final, and the checks will stop coming. That's the scary part for me right now, even though I have some good leads on part-time consulting work.  I've been earning at least spending money since I was 15. I've been supporting myself since grad school in 1996 (with a few noteworthy exceptions when I got into some crazy credit card debt in college).

My identity is not tied up in my job. But I do love saying I work for Microsoft.  It's instantly recognizable (good or bad, you decide). It's got prestige. People dig Bill Gates.

I quit because I want more space in my life to do things - work a little, spend lots of unstructured time with the kids, craft a little (ok, a lot), keep our household running, exercise again.

So now I've got to work on my elevator/cocktail party speech. What is it that I do, exactly?  How do I avoid saying "I used to be..." or dismissing what I do - "I'm home with the kids, for now". 

Stay tuned.

I want it all, and I want it now

BabyM wonders if she has it all

The media is all a-flutter with the same old stories of whether women "can have it all", thanks to  Sheryl Sandberg's new book about leadership and Marissa Mayer's "thou shalt not work from home" decree at Yahoo.
And of course, everyone MUST weigh in, as we always do.  I'm no different.  I've been reading Dinner: A Love Story by Jenny Rosenstrach, which is a combination cookbook, memoir and guidebook on how to pull together family meals. (Something I really, really need help with, before the God of Tater Tots installs himself permanently in our house.) 

Rosenstrach talks about returning to her job after maternity leave, reading articles and attending lectures about working motherhood.  One of my favorite quotes from this book is this: "That was the other thing I realized quickly - working mothers loved nothing more than talking about being working mothers."  I giggled out loud when I read that line - so true, online and in real life.

And of course, like noticing all the other Audi A3s once I got one myself, I see articles about "Having It All" everywhere. I love this opinion piece in the NYT by Erin Callan, a former Lehman Brothers CFO. And of course, I love it because it supports my point of view, which is that Work is Not Everything.  It's so easy to get caught up in the race under the guise of having a great career, and ambition, etc. as we are all exhorted to do, but at some point, it becomes toxic if you let it take over your entire life. 

I also read this great CNN piece where 10 women define "having it all".  I love how varied the answers are. I love how Ana Navarro, a political strategist, thought it was a stupid question. There are a lot of great points, like how men weren't being raised for this change, and thus there are still guys out there who think being with their kids is "babysitting". Or how we never ask men how they manage to "have it all".  Or what exactly "having it all" means.

I think these discussion are best when they involve real people, so with that, I'm going to navel gaze along with the best of them.

Prior to 2006, I had no hobbies outside of work. So I just worked more. And yes, I was rewarded. I hit my salary goal before I expected to. I got 2 promotions in 3 years. I also got fat (again), and wasn't really that *happy*. Then I found jewelry making, and finally had a passion outside of work. It was life changing to have something that occupied my mind that wasn't work, that got me out of bed in the morning eager to try new designs and make things with my hands instead of sitting in front of a computer screen. I finally had the elusive "balance". I finally was happy and able to recharge with breaks of something non-work-related.

I've written before about how I'd be happy to stay home with the girls, to teach them, do art projects, and live a less hectic life that didn't involve shlepping to and from daycare several times a week.  To that end, I've been working part-time, 2 or 3 days a week since 2010. 

We had been living an idyllic existence when TJ quit his job. Two parents at home most days. During my mat leave, we could easily divide and conquer and give everyone the attention they needed during the transition.

Sadly, all good things must come to an end. In our case, TJ got offered a dream job which didn't even require us to move. It was too good not to take it. So he started work 2 weeks ago, and boy do we miss him!

But there was the Looming Question. What happens when my maternity leave ends? We didn't have childcare lined up because that was going to be TJ's role until early next year. We weren't happy with the options available for a 5 month old baby, and T's awesome preschool is only half-day. (But did I mention awesome?!)

So it's my turn to step out of the standard corporate world for a while. I'm currently looking for 15 hours a week of remote work, and am considering contract and freelance opportunities as well. (So if you know anyone who needs a project manager...)

I'm also taking custom orders again in my Etsy shop and looking into Elance and TaskRabbit for work I can do outside the normal 9 to 5.  I'm in the middle of reading Chris Guillebeau's The $100 Startup, and am intrigued by the possibility of starting something myself.  I don't have an entrepreneurial personality but am figuring out how to develop some of those skills.

Yesterday T and I did some "Mama School" - we worked on some "number work" and did some cutting practice with scissors.  I spent an inordinate amount of time getting the Baby Who Will Not Nap to go to sleep.  The three of us went to the mall for an errand and to lunch, a lesson for me in wrangling two tired kids.  So I'm definitely learning new skills!

I'm both nervous and excited about this new life. For me "having it all" means that as a family, we have the flexibility to adjust our working lives as needed to manage our responsibilities at home.   My version of "it all" includes a partner who sees all "jobs" in this house as equal - whether that be working for pay or just the sheer glory of changing diapers, making dinner and pulling weeds. That, and being grateful that we *can* choose this lifestyle, as long as one of us has consistent income (and health insurance!).  It's definitely a team effort here.

What about you?  What does "having it all" look like to you?

Four steps to your dream work schedule at a tech company

(This was first published on the WomenTech blog in October 2011. I'm trying to consolidate my writing here, so I'm reposting with a few minor edits.)

You can have your cupcake and eat it too.

Work-life balance is an elusive thing and constantly changing. For me, it involves having a flexible work arrangement. I've been lucky enough to work at a large tech company since 2002.  For the first 5 years, I worked A LOT.  Full time+.  I worked every single day of September 2005 preparing for a customer event, but that was my favorite role in my 14 years of working in technology.

I dabbled in flexible work arrangements, working part-time for a while (without kids - that was AMAZING) and trying a compressed work week, with 9-10 hour days and every other Friday off. Both worked well for my needs at the time.

Since my return from maternity leave in 2010, I have worked part-time, ranging from 20-25 hours per week. I was typically in the office 2 days a week and worked a little from home on the other evenings and the occasional weekend as needed.  This allowed me to spend 3 full days at home each week with my toddler.  I'm currently on maternity leave now, and am scheduled to return in a few weeks, though the details are still pending.

When I tell people at work about this uncommon arrangement, they get a wistful look in their eyes and say things like “Wow, I wish I could do that” or “My job could never accommodate that” or “You’re so lucky, I’d never be allowed to do that”.

NOT TRUE, people! I started out just like everyone else, working 45+ hours, email every waking moment, fielding questions and putting out fires for a company-wide initiative. And who could forget those delightful summer Saturdays spent in the office?

And then I realized I wanted more out of life than just work. Don’t get me wrong – I love my job, and I love my company with its myriad opportunities and amazing people. But I wanted time for myself and my hobbies, and of course, time to really *enjoy* this new family thing we've got going on.

It goes without saying that this is not just a womens' issue. My husband requested (and got!) a compressed work week so that we could care for our daughter ourselves for her first year. He was home with her on the two days I worked, and then he’d go to work for the next 4 days. It was surprisingly easy to arrange this with our employer. Harder to get through the weeks without being completely exhausted, but that’s life, right?

So without further ado, here’s the advice I've given to many people who asked how they too can get the work schedule of their dreams. (Short of winning the lottery and quitting altogether, that is.)

How to get the sweet gig:

1. First, read up on your company’s policies and procedures around flexible work. If they don’t have them, you’ll need to decide how badly you want it, and then be the trailblazer and help them get a policy in place.

2. Figure out what *you* want with respect to work schedule and pay/benefits. A lot of people approach this as “I’ll do whatever my company lets me” but I think that’s the wrong way to go about it, and everyone leaves the discussion unsatisfied.

• A compressed schedule (e.g. 4 day work week or 9 days/2 weeks) will allow you to keep a full time workload and salary, but you’ll have to work longer days to make up for the day you’re off.
• A part-time schedule will give you reduced work hours (duh!) but also reduced pay and potentially fewer benefits. In addition, you’ll need to think hard about how your work can be scoped to fit into fewer hours.
• Telecommuting one or more days a week may not change your schedule, but may allow you to shift your schedule rather than spending time commuting.

3. Write up a short proposal detailing what schedule you’re requesting *and* addressing any concerns that might come up. You need to position it as something good for your work group, not just what’s in it for you.

4. Discuss with your manager. Be confident about what you’re asking for, and address his/her concerns with solutions. Be willing to discuss it “up the chain” as needed.

Once you’ve got the sweet gig:

• Be clear with your management and team about your work schedule and location (if you’re telecommuting.) It really helps to have the same schedule each week so people get used to it.

• If you’re not in the office but working, BE AVAILABLE. I can’t stress this enough. Sign into IM, answer your phone and email in a timely fashion and call in to scheduled meetings. People need to know and see that you’re working. Sounds unfair, and we think people should “just notice” our awesome deliverables, but that’s not enough.

• If you are working from home and your young kids are around, you MUST have childcare.There is no way you can do a great job working if you’re also taking care of your kids. Not putting in that “face time” at the office means you need to do an *extra* good job, and that’s not going to happen with distractions.

• If you’re working part time, don’t regularly work more than what you agreed to. Obviously you’ll have to put in extra hours around crunch time, but keep track of this, and make sure it evens out later. It makes no sense to work full-time hours on a part-time salary. If you have too much work to accomplish on your schedule, talk to your manager about prioritization.

• Be equally clear about your availability on days you’re not working. Give out your cell phone info for emergencies, but don’t accept non-urgent meetings and don’t respond to non-urgent emails either. You need to “train” people to understand your new schedule. They won’t respect it if you don’t.

• Review the arrangement periodically with your manager. Quarterly is good. Actively solicit feedback about what’s working and what’s not. Actually do something about what’s not working.

• Don’t be apologetic about having an unusual work arrangement. Be an ambassador, so people can see that we don’t have to chain ourselves to our desks 80 hours a week. Do great work and evangelize what you’re accomplishing and HOW you’re accomplishing it with your dream schedule and your newfound, totally awesome work life balance!

Of course, not everyone who asks gets approved, but a lot fewer people ask than you think, and there aren't actually *that* many people who do propose it seriously. Many companies, including my own, will actually *help* valued employees find an arrangement that works for them, even if their current role isn't a good fit.

I’d love to hear other stories of flexible work arrangements, and any other tips you can share for making it work for everyone involved!

Just walk away, there'll be no more tomorrow

Apparently today is the day to read More Working Mother posts.  Laura Vanderkam has a post about the resignation letter from a lawyer who detailed her hellish schedule trying to juggle her family life and work.  The original blog that posted the letter, and the HuffPo article about it (I'm lazy, Laura's post above has links) are about how the work culture in the US is stuck in the 1950s and doesn't jive well with two working parent families.  This, I can totally get behind.

What irks me is all the posts and comments people are making on the different sites about how this woman isn't doing it right, that she's not outsourcing enough, that her quitting to handle family stuff was really an excuse for her not liking her job, and really how she's not prioritizing her time correctly and should be able to work full time, goshdarnit, because everyone else does it.

This is what sets my teeth on edge.  Yes, *some* people can and do outsource everything, down to the night nanny to handle frequent baby wakings.  Yes, *some* people need to work outside the home and would go batshit crazy if they were home with kids all day.  Yes, *some* people thrive on a constant level of busy.

But not all of us are like that. And again, maybe it's because I haven't found my people in blog land so what I'm reading is biased. 

Everyone's life activities are prioritized differently.  Some people simply need more sleep (or uninterrupted sleep). Some people have a passion for what they do for work. Some people homeschool. Some people can only handle having one or two scheduled activities on a weekend.

Tonight, both kids in my house were finally asleep by 7:45pm.  I wasn't going to blog.  As you can see, some of my previous projects had to be dropped, like NaBloPoMo.

But then I read the comments in this AskMoxie post.  Specifically, the ones by Jan and by Gina.   I had to write this post after reading those. These women have articulated how I feel about working, far more eloquently than I ever could.  They do work outside the home, but regret that it changes the relationship and time they spend with their kids. 

There are those of us who do work, but whose work is quite simply a lower priority. Yes, maybe that means I don't LUUURVE my job so much I can't imagine not having it. (For the record, I do like it.)  I've already detailed why I work.

But for me, and apparently at least a few of us out there, the answer is not always "outsource everything".  And that's how I feel every time I see helpful tips like "hire an au pair/nanny" or "have the nanny give the kid a bath before you get home from work" or "just buy the cupcakes at the grocery store".  This may work for some people, heck, even most working parents, but it doesn't work for me.

I want to do these things myself, even if "they" don't think those tasks are important.  I'm very lucky to have an equal partner in my husband, a great preschool, and parents who live nearby for part of the year.  Even with all that, *I* still want to do the hands on stuff, and not squeeze it into the 1 hour we have between dinner and bed.  I'd like to make cupcakes from scratch and discuss and execute elaborate birthday plans with the 3 year old.  And though it's not pleasant, I want to be the one who wakes up with the baby at night, not some person I hired.

I'm glad to know there are other people like me out there, and want to give a shout out to Jan and Gina for making me feel like I'm not an anomaly.  But now, I must go.  There is pumpkin bread to be baked and Project Life pages to be made.

Parental Leave Checklist, Part III: Just Before and After

If you missed, them, here are:
Part I of the Parental Leave Checklist
Part II of the Parental Leave Checklist

Just like the previous set of tasks, these are hard to plan in advance since you don't know *exactly* when your baby will arrive.  I like to do as much as I can beforehand (remember The List?) but there are a few items that can *only* be done once the baby is born.

Just Before or Just After Parental or Maternity Leave Begins:

• Post the note on your office door saying you’re on leave  - If you work from home before your due date, you can post this on your last day in the office.  Or ask a coworker to do this for you once your leave starts.  Some people think it invites theft, so decide if that's an issue for your workplace before doing this.

• Turn on your voicemail extended absence greeting and email OOF message - If you prepared these ahead of time, actually turning them on should be quick and painless.  If you're planning to take some time off before your due date, you can obviously turn these on when you're no longer working.

• Contact HR with the baby’s birthdate to start the official leave process - The information you'll need to provide depends on your company.  You may need to wait until the baby has an official birth certificate or Social Security Number.

• Enroll new baby in health insurance plan - Same as above - you may need specific info before the baby can be added to your plan.  Read over the docs carefully and make sure you've made the appropriate changes for your baby.  You usually have a limited amount of time to add a new baby, so make sure you're within the correct timeframe.

• Sign up for childcare flexible spending account (FSA) - if your company offers this, and you'll need childcare within the year, it's a good idea to set aside money in your dependent care FSA account.  The max in 2012 is $5000 per year per family which doesn't even begin to cover infant care for a year here, but it's tax free so we do take advantage of it.

• Send email to your team announcing the baby’s arrival - this is the fun part!  Send a cute photo, but maybe not one where you're looking all disheveled in your hospital gown (personal preference).  

this was the photo I sent out when BabyM was born

I'll post the next section in a few weeks, which is Things to Do While You're On Leave.  I created a handy downloadable checklist with the whole thing, for the impatient folks out there.  It's my first experiment with Google Drive for shared downloads.  Let me know if you have trouble accessing the files.

Parental Leave Checklist Downloads:
Download the Word version (.doc)
Download the PDF version (.pdf)

If you find this helpful, please contribute to my Starbucks chai fund :)
Thanks in advance!

I'd love to know if I've missed anything.  Let me know and good luck with your leave preparations!

Why I still work

I suppose it's a bit ironic that I'm writing a post about why I work when technically, I don't have to go back to the office for the next 22 weeks. (22 weeks!! OMG!).

I've been weary of reading about work-life balance, working vs. staying home with kids, etc. When I found Laura Vanderkam's post, at first I got prickly because I disagree with some of her views on flexibility and scaling back.  But as I read further, I realized she completely nailed the reason why I continue to work outside the house.

Some of you who have been reading for a while are probably wondering the same thing.  I make no secret about my desire to stay home and if I'm going to get really crazy, maybe even part-time homeschool the kids.  I'm also all about going after what I want (thanks Mondo Beyondo!).

On a crafty forum a few weeks ago, when people were introducing themselves, one woman posted that she was ridiculously jealous of all the stay-at-home-moms who had posted and I could totally empathize.  I was surprised to see that this woman had a high powered career for which she had a lot of training and experience, as a specialized hospital nurse.  So it's not just those people who "have to work to pay the bills" who feel this pull to be at home too.

(c) Kristi Lloyd Photography, 2012

But back to Laura's post.  (Did you go read it?  Maybe you should do that first.) She's written in the past about how she believes that both parties in a relationship need to take full responsibility for earning money and supporting the household.  Fundamentally I agree with that, though in some cases where one spouse earns TONS more than the other, it's probably more clear who should scale back when looking at financial considerations, if they make the decision that someone should.

In our household, though, that's not the case.  TJ and I are in the same industry, and have pretty similar earning power.  I think he has a *slight* advantage as far as the number of open positions and flexible options like contracting or telecommuting, and the industry we work in does value his skill set more than mine.  But overall it's been pretty even when we both work full time.

TJ quit his job about 6 months ago.  And wow, have I noticed a difference in our family's overall happiness.  We hang out together more.  We each have more special time with T.  We each get more "alone time" because we can trade off kid duty on weekdays and not just on weekends.  We can go to the zoo on a Wednesday morning.  TJ is pursuing both business and leisure projects he never had time for.  But most importantly, TJ is happier, and we no longer have days where he doesn't see T awake.  (He used to leave for work before she woke and would often return after she was in bed, since her bedtime is crazy early.)

So given that, from a financial point of view,  it makes sense for me to keep working since we need some income to stay afloat, right?  But I see it as more than that.  As part of this marriage, it's my responsibility to support us while he figures out his dreams as much as it is his responsibility to support us while I do my thing, too.  We don't have this automatic "oh it's the MAN's job to support his family and the WOMAN's job to keep the home fires burning." 

In some marriages, that division works just fine, because one partner might LOVE their work and get a lot of personal fulfillment (and/or money), while the other could take it or leave it.  Same is true where one partner really feels like they NEED to be home. 

In our case, neither of us has a burning passion for the work we've been doing.  I really LIKE my job, for sure, but it doesn't complete me, nor bring me great personal fulfillment.  If I didn't have to do this kind of work for pay, I wouldn't.  (Unless you count my extensive list making and project planning for toddler birthday parties...)  I don't want either of us to feel "trapped" in a job they dislike because they are our sole source of support - that's a lot of pressure for one person to bear.

But keeping up my end of the support bargain is a struggle for me too.  I LOVE the domestic stuff.  I like having whole extra days to hang out with T (and now TJ), hence I'm keeping my part-time schedule, though I chose to increase my hours slightly.  My logical brain tells me I should go back to working full time so we have better financial prospects, but the emotional side knows that working full time will make me frazzled and tired.  Not to mention the thought of pumping milk for a tiny baby 5 days a week instead of just 2 or 3 makes me want to hide under my desk.

In my company and industry, part-time arrangements are VERY hard to come by so I want to hang on to mine as long as I possibly can.  I want us to have an arrangement where (at least) one parent is home when kids are done with school, we can attend kid events at school during the day, and where early dismissal and summer vacation aren't massive logistical problems.

But it doesn't always have to be ME.  The hard part is working it out so that *sometimes* it can be me and sometimes him.  I don't want to just swap traditional roles and become the person who is working 50 hours a week while TJ handles all the home stuff.  That's not my vision, either.  

But damn, is it hard to find that sweet spot.  For now, we're precariously balancing on it, and I am truly grateful.

Parental Leave Checklist, Part II: 1-2 Weeks Before

Here's Part I of the Parental Leave Checklist if you missed it.

This next set of tasks is harder to time correctly, since babies don't typically arrive on schedule, even if you have an actual delivery appointment, like I do.  These are the tasks I'd like to do *just* before I go out on leave, so I can minimize what I need to take care of just after the baby is born and I'm in a haze of no sleep-nursing-crying-diapering-recovering from birth.

1-2 Weeks Before Parental or Maternity Leave Begins:

• Ensure your work transition plan is in place - Remember that transition plan you worked out in Part I?  Now's the time to do a trial run so you can help your coworkers while you're still around. I like to transition the tasks completely by 1-2 weeks before my due date in case the baby shows up early.

• Email stakeholders about transitioning projects and your upcoming schedule - Let everyone you work with, internally and externally, know who's taking over your projects and when you'll be out. Give them a rough idea of when you'll be back (I like statements like "late February") and you might want to let them know you won't be checking email or voicemail during this time.

• Update and submit performance review documents - If you're going to be out near review time, it's worth taking a pass through your documents and having them up-to-date so you don't need to do it later.  It's easier to write them when your work memory is fresh (and not sleep deprived!).

• Submit any lingering expense reports and insurance reimbursements - If you've got outstanding paperwork, take care of it now, as you will either forget about it on leave or won't want to do it. Or, by the time you feel like you can handle it, it may be too late.  Also, it's free money!  Note that Flexible Spending Accounts have submission deadlines or you lose the money, so get all those taken care of as soon as possible.

• Take home all food and valuables from your office - You don't want scavengers of the rodent kind or the sticky-fingered-human kind lurking around your stuff while you're gone.  Plus you won't want to eat that 4 month old Powerbar when you return, do you?  Take irreplaceable photos and service awards too, if they have high sentimental value to you.  You  never know what might happen in your office while you're gone (moves, someone squatting there, etc.)

• Take home any plants from your office or make arrangements for them to be watered - I'm not a plant person, but if you are, convince a nice coworker to water them, or take them home.  Otherwise, you will come back to sad, dead plants, and returning to work is already hard enough without that!

• Write down all email lists you’re on and unsubscribe from unnecessary ones - I work in an email-heavy environment, so I need to manage the flow when I'm out or my mailbox will fill up and become a GIANT mess while I'm out.  I copied the list of everything I was subscribed to, and then ruthlessly removed myself from the rest.  Also unsubscribe to any newsletters, etc that you signed up for but don't actually read.

• Set up email rules to delete most messages so your mailbox doesn’t get full - this is a personal choice, but I knew I did not want to be reading work email on leave, and also knew I'd be tempted, with such easy access on my Smartphone.  So I set up a rule to delete anything NOT directly TO me, and not marked High Priority. 

• Set up your Out of Office message on your email and let people know if you’re deleting email - Many email clients will let you draft your "Vacation" message before you actually turn it on.  Spend a little time on this and detail who's picking up your projects, when you'll be out, and remind them you won't be checking emails or voicemails, and in fact, will be deleting everything unless it's marked as High Priority (or whatever rule you decide to use).  I personally DO NOT include my mobile number or home contact info on this, because I don't want to be contacted unless in cases of dire emergency.  Others feel differently.

• Set up extended absence greeting on voicemail - Many voicemail clients will let you set up your "vacation" greeting in advance before you turn it on.  Let people know you will not be checking voicemail and who they can call instead.

• Give mobile number and personal email address to your manager - For major emergencies, it's good for *someone* trusted to have your home contact info.  Either your manager or a trusted coworker can fill this role.  Make sure your wishes are clear - that you don't want to be contacted unless it's the absolute last resort, etc.  Really think about what you want in this situation and err on the side of caution.  Personally I found that keeping my contact info easily accessible (on the whiteboard in my office, etc) made it *too easy* for coworkers to call with questions, especially in the first few weeks I was out, which was the hardest for me to cope with.

• Write up a note for your office door saying you’re on leave - again, this is personal preference and depends on whether you get a lot of people stopping by to find you.  Some people think it invites theft, but if you take home all your valuables and label the other equipment, you should be fine.

• Write down the phone number for HR so you can notify them when the baby is born - in many companies, you need to notify HR within a certain time period to *officially* start your leave, set up Benefits for the baby, etc.  Keep this number handy somewhere.  Also do a little research on what else you need to do for benefits once the baby is born.

• Cancel automatic withdrawals from paycheck - if you are lucky enough to get paid maternity or parental leave, you may not want to continue certain withdrawals, like parking, meal cards, bus pass etc.  Stop all these services and keep a list of which ones you'll want to resume when you return.

• Back up everything on your main work computers - of course you're already doing this, right??  back everything up to an external hard drive, DVD, or a central network location that you can access when you return.  You just never know what might happen when you're out.  Sometimes computers just die a sad, quiet death.

• Write down your Windows BitLocker, machine local administrator and domain/network passwords - I know, this is horribly bad security advice, but if you really, truly, check out while you're on leave, you may forget these passwords and not be able to log in when you return.  In some cases, the only way to fix this is to reformat your computer and lose everything.  So write 'em down and keep 'em safe.

• Find a coworker willing to pack up your office if there’s an office move while you’re out - in my workplace, office moves are pretty frequent.  If I'm out for 20 weeks, chances are we'll move at least once during that time.  Find someone who can pack up your stuff.  Help them out by removing all extraneous junk from your office and taking it home.  Now's a good time for a good cleanup anyway.

I'll post the next section in a week or two, which is Things to Do Right After Your Baby is Born.  I created a handy downloadable checklist for the whole thing, for the impatient folks out there.  It's my first experiment with Google Drive for shared downloads.  Let me know if you have trouble accessing the files.

Parental Leave Checklist Downloads:
Download the Word version (.doc)
Download the PDF version (.pdf)

If you find this helpful, please contribute to my Starbucks chai fund :)
Thanks in advance!

I'd love to know if I've missed anything.  Let me know and good luck with your leave preparations!

Parental Leave Checklist, Part I: 2-3 Months Before

hooray for babies!

I am about 6 weeks away from starting my maternity leave, if Baby X' arrives on her scheduled birthdate.  For the past several weeks I've been thinking about how to wrap up projects at work and what other little tasks I need to complete before disappearing for 20 weeks.   The parenting email lists at work had some fragmented recommendations on things to do before your leave, but I wanted to build The Mother Checklist of everything and share it here.  This is for maternity leave, paternity leave or really, any lengthy leave of absence from work.


I'll also caveat this by saying I have an office job in a huge company with good parental leave benefits.  Your company's benefits and procedures will be different so your list will be too.  But I tried to make this generally applicable.  Some items will likely not apply to you at all and I will have completely missed others. I'd love to hear about those, so leave a comment.


I consolidated what I could find from coworkers and added my own Giant List.  It's a pretty long list so I'll do a series of posts to cover each time period.  I'm starting with the stuff I've done already, 2-3 months or more before my leave begins (which at my company is the day the baby is born).   I focused on work-related tasks, not 'getting ready for baby'.

2-3+ Months Before Leave Begins:

• Notify your manager and team about your pregnancy and leave timing - this is a personal choice.  Both times I did it around 12 weeks, when we announced the pregnancy publicly.  With the advent of social media, it's harder to keep "secrets" like this from your boss or coworkers. You may also want to be cognizant of timing around annual reviews, promotions, etc.  It shouldn't matter, but we all know that sometimes it does.

• Decide how much leave you are planning to take and when - some companies let you start your leave before the baby is born, which is awesome for those last few weeks of sheer discomfort.  Others let you split up the medical portion from the "bonding/parental" portion.  Some companies let you break it up so you can take just a few days a week, which may be good for transitioning back to work.  Read up on the policies, talk to your partner, and make a rough plan.

• Submit request for maternity leave  - my company has a form that needs to be filled out.  Yours may require special meetings with HR or your manager.  When you've got your timing figured out, fill out the paperwork to get it out of the way.

• Begin working on a transition plan for your work with your manager - this is really important and shows your dedication to your team.  List all your projects and figure out who might pick them up.  Talk to your coworkers about it.  Maybe you can work out a "trade" - you pick up something they're doing now, in exchange for them taking some of your work while you're out.  On my first mat leave, I was lucky that my team hired a contractor to cover for me.  She turned out to be excellent, so we kept her on after I returned, and this allowed me to work part-time.  Win-win!  Figure out the solutions yourself as much as you can instead of just dumping this on your boss.

• Document processes and tasks for others to pick up - write up detailed documentation for things you do - meetings you run, processes you own, tasks or reports that you do regularly.  Even if there isn't a specific person who will pick it up, document it so anyone can do it.  This helps if your replacement is only identified after you leave and your coworkers will thank you.  It will also help to keep them from calling you when you're out.

• Sign up for any benefits that will expire - this is very dependent on your company and its deadlines, but take care of anything with a deadline that's possible to do - signing up for the next year's benefits, getting transportation passes and any other benefits you need to sign up for by a certain date.  This will ensure you have continued coverage while you're out and is one less thing to worry about during your leave.

• Review any benefits available to new parents through your job- companies may have surprising benefits for new parents.  Mine has free classes about breastfeeding, taking care of newborns, transitioning back to work and more.  My husband's company had a "meal card" that new parents could use for groceries or takeout meals.  There may be local childcare discounts as well.  Read your benefits documents and ask your coworkers who are also parents to find out about these cool things.

• Complete any required training courses for your job- we have a couple of yearly online training courses we need to complete so I get these out of the way early.  Even if you're on leave, you don't want to be "the one who didn't do it", if it's at all possible to get it out of the way.  In addition, you may want to try to earn as many Continuing Ed credits as needed for your professional certifications so that you don't have to worry about those expiring, or scrambling for classes with a newborn.

• Figure out your schedule/location for the “endgame” based on your due date - Babies do not arrive on schedule.  Most do not show up on their due date, unfortunately, so you have to make sure your ducks are in a row as early as possible.  My plan both times was to start working from home about 2 weeks before my due date, because I don't want to go into labor at work.  Coordinate this with your partner as well, especially if you are far from each other during the work day or need to arrange care for your other children.  Figure out if you're going to start your leave early or take a few vacation days to relax before you think the baby might come.  This is hard to do since you really have NO idea when your baby will arrive, but having a firm plan is helpful for your team, and for you to get most of your tasks done.

• Explore child care options near your work or home - this depends on how long your leave is and demand in your area.  I live in an extremely high demand area for full time licensed child care, so the options are few, expensive and BOOKED.  Most people "get on the list" before their baby is born, and we have a generous leave length.  If you are going to use relatives for child care or a nanny, you will probably have more time to arrange this, but you may want to use your pre-baby time to get started on a search as life with a newborn is hectic (and sleepless!).

I'll post the next section shortly, which is Things to Do 1-2 Weeks Before your leave.  I created a handy downloadable checklist for the whole thing, for the impatient folks out there.  It's my first experiment with Google Drive for shared downloads.  Let me know if you have trouble accessing the files.

Parental Leave Checklist Downloads:
Download the Word version (.doc)
Download the PDF version (.pdf)

If you find this helpful, please contribute to my Starbucks chai fund :)
Thanks in advance!

Why we should choose our role models carefully

I wasn't going to write about Marissa Mayer's appointment to be CEO of Yahoo, figuring many of my fellow bloggers (ones I read, even!) would discuss it.

But as an also-7-months-pregnant woman in the tech industry, I can't let it go.  I don't think it's Mayer's responsibility to *do* anything differently than she plans to do - she needs to live her life the way she wants to, and clearly she is ambitious, successful, and kickass.  Go her.

What I do take issue with is so many women, and women's affinity groups hailing this as a great leap forward for us.  Yes, it's awesome that another large, well known company has a female CEO.  I get it.  Even better that her pregnancy didn't prevent them from choosing her.  (Talk to me sometime about job searching when one is pregnant - super fun.)

But, her statement about working through her few weeks of maternity leave is what gets me.  I don't know what Yahoo's mat leave policy is, but I suspect it's at least 12 weeks, and possibly more.   If the CEO isn't planning to take the leave, what does that say about the rank-and-file who think they need it?  Especially those who feel more "replaceable"?  Should we all hurry back to work?

I'm sure I'm not the only one whose male and/or child-free coworkers have made comments envious of my "5 months of vacation" coming up.  (Clearly these people have not spent 24/7 with a hungry newborn.)

Yes, I get 20 weeks, and yes, that's extremely generous for an American company.  But honestly it's still not enough. 

At 20 weeks last time, T was still waking 1-2x per night to eat.  She was getting all her nutrition from me, which meant I had to pump a couple of extra times per day for those 5 months, in addition to feeding her directly, in order to have any chance of enough of a milk stash when I went back to work because I knew I couldn't pump enough in a work day to feed her while I was gone.

In my ideal world, I would have been on leave through 9 months or so, when T started eating significant amounts of "real food" and started sleeping better.  Sure there are people rolling their eyes at this, and sure it's *possible* to go back to work as soon as your medical issues are sorted out.  But I think we as a country need to do better than that. 

I'm not recommending that Mayer do anything differently.  But I do think we need to be careful who we're holding up as our shining examples, because they might end up shooting us in the foot.

Stealing Time

I work best when I have a large chunk of uninterrupted time to focus on a project.  In fact, in that case, I'm unstoppable.  I don't multi-task well, and I've known that for a while, so I try to focus on one thing at a time until a good stopping point comes along.

This is difficult in a workplace with a LOT of meetings.  Most of my focused work happens earlier in the morning before everyone shows up, or late afternoon after the myriad meetings.   Sometimes I need to take time in the evening to really focus when it's quiet and empty.

But, as parents know, huge chunks of uninterrupted time on weekends for personal projects is hard to come by.  Especially with a baby or toddler who can't yet get out of bed on their own, fix their own meals, or even dress themselves.  Nevermind being able to go to the bathroom alone or trusting her to sit and read a book or play alone for hours at a stretch.

Lately I've been CONSUMED (obsessed?) with crafty projects.  I have four things I'm working on (actively) right now:  Project Life, my first mini scrapbook album made from scratch, a birthday gift for my mom (secret!), and an album kit from ScrapScriptions.  I switch off between them depending on my mood, what the next step is and *how much time I have*.

Which is often not enough by a long shot.  I could sit and work for 5-6 hours easily, when I am inspired.  But I *never* have that much free time at a stretch.  When T is at preschool, I'm at work.  Occasionally we'll drop her off at my parents' place for a morning or afternoon (woot) but not for the whole day, because *we* want to hang out with her, and her schedule is surprisingly full for a toddler.

After tilting at this immutable parenting windmill for 2.5 years, I am finally starting to figure it out.  For now, while I have small children, I just won't have those whole days to dedicate to my craft or  my other leisure pursuits.  I can't sit around waiting for the "perfect day" or that big uninterrupted chunk of time because it will NEVER come.

So I've resorted to "stealing time" when I can.  As soon as she goes down for a nap, I head to the craft room.  No idly checking email or Facebook, which can stretch from 2 minutes into an hour easily.  No quick loads of laundry or dishes, unless I'm intentionally doing that particular task right then.  (I like to save my toddler-free time for more exciting things than house chores.)

After she goes to bed (thankfully at 7pm), it's the same story.  I pick a project and get to work and then I can put in at least 3 hours before I need to sleep. 

Remarkably, my obsession about these projects has even carried over to the morning and I am NOT a morning person.  TJ typically takes most of the morning toddler duty, so if I get up just a bit before she does, I can get in 30 minutes to an hour of crafty goodness, and even squeeze in a tiny bit of treadmill walking, all before getting ready for work.  I was also inspired to try this by Laura Vanderkam's awesome new e-book, What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast.

I've also thought about how to break down the projects, so while T is playing by herself or doing her own art project, I can bring something upstairs and work on it next to her.  This way I'm making progress with the time available rather than waiting for that perfect time to materialize.

And to that point, here I am at the doctor's office, 45 minutes into my 2 hour glucose tolerance test, finishing up a blog post.  I've already checked my work and personal emails, and will also be able to squeeze in some Morning Pages.  Woot!


How do you steal time to do the things you want to do?

Goodbye fear

Cloud has an awesome post about work-life balance with a couple of great points:

1.  If you don't ask for it, your boss won't know what you need
2.  Everyone is entitled to work-life balance, not just moms or parents

Go read it and then come back.

About once a month, I get pinged by someone at work who wants to know how they can set up a part-time schedule.  My short answer?  I asked for it. 

The longer answer?  I knew it was a priority for my family, and I didn't back down.  Returning from maternity leave, I would have quit if I had to go back to working the 45+ hours a week, 5 days in the office plus more-time-from-home schedule I had before I left.

The first answer I got was "I don't think we can make that work."  So I went home that day prepared to start cleaning out my office.  And then the next day, got an email saying that they could, in fact, make it work.

Note that I didn't threaten to quit during the first conversation.  I just laid out what exact schedule worked for me.

But in order to do this, I had to stop being afraid.  I've got a huge fear of failure.  It's probably one of my worst traits (aside from the inability to stop eating stuff that's bad for me).  I'm a Type-A perfectionist who wants her gold stars. 

I liked being GREAT at my job and being needed.  I loved the high review scores, big bonuses, promotions and special awards.  I was the rat who figured out how to press the lever to get the little food pellets.  That's what made me happy.

Until it didn't anymore.  My life changed completely when I had T.  I considered becoming a SAHM, something I had never given a single thought to before.  In a few short months, my entire life focus shifted to something even more motivating than those shiny gold stars.

And that's when I realized I was no longer afraid.  What if they turned down my request to work part-time?  Well, then I wouldn't work.  And we were ok with that.  If I absolutely HAD to work, I would have worked full-time.

Each year, the familiar nervousness creeps back around performance review time.  Did I do well enough to get the rewards?  By working part-time I've chosen to make a compromise in this area.  Since I'm working less, I get compensated less.  Since we're "graded on a curve", my coworkers putting in 60 hours are getting better rankings than I am.

I can't rant about the unfairness of that, because they have chosen to make work "their thing".  I used to be very afraid of getting a "bad score" and I still stress out about that.  But what if I do?  The scenario that plays out is not really the end of the world. 

The worst possible case is that it's so low that I'm asked to leave.  But that's unlikely as it's a very small percentage of folks who get that score.  If I did, maybe the job or team is not a good fit for me.  Any other low score would mean a small or no bonus, which is a bummer, but not a tragedy.

Fear just gets in the way of doing great work *and* having the life I want.  If I'm too afraid to ask for a flexible work arrangement, one is not just going to miraculously drop from the sky.   If I work harder and longer hours to assuage my fears of getting a bad review, I'm going to miss out on the other things I like to do, and I'm not respecting my own priorities.  Fear makes people do a lot of things they don't truly WANT to do and that is really no good.

I have a hard time sympathizing with people who SAY they want flexibility but then don't assert themselves to get it (this happens a lot).  Yes, it takes balls to do this.  But the upside is pretty great.

Once I stopped being afraid of hypothetical "bad things" happening to me at work, I felt a lot more free to find work I wanted to do, a team I liked, and just plain happiness.  Who can argue with that?

So, how bad do you want it?

Focusing on priorities

My favorite lesson from Laura Vanderkam's excellent 168 Hours was reframing "I don't have time for xyz" as "xyz is not a priority for me".  Sounds so simple, but it's brilliant.  If you are reasonably careful with your time, you will absolutely make time for the important things.

This is why I've been able to continue being crafty in some form or another even after T was born.  I know it'll be harder with Baby X' in the mix too, but something else will fall by the wayside and I will likely make time to be crafty, because it feeds my soul.

In the past few weeks I've made some hard decisions.  After posting my quandary about my Etsy shop, I decided to stop accepting custom orders even though business was good.  I realized it was stressing me out more than making me happy, and also realized I could be happy making non-custom pieces and posting them for sale on my schedule, instead of someone else's.  So I don't have to stop doing metal work or jewelry making entirely, but I can control my schedule a lot better this way.

Another practice that helped me crystallize what's important is doing "Morning Pages" from The Artist's Way.  I'll write more about this later with an official review next week, but the short version is that once a day I handwrite a couple of pages in a journal - stream of consciousness, to clear my mind.  This has some surprising results - I got a bunch of new ideas for things I could make for my shop and gave me the peace to stop doing custom orders.  It also gives me a short list of crafty and house projects I want to focus on for the next few days.  

One thing I love about being pregnant is the constant reminder that I am solely (for now) responsible for another human's well-being and the best way to care for her is to care for myself.  (Did I mention BabyX' is a girl?)  This makes it easy for me to be a lot more assertive about what I need. 


And one thing I definitely don't need now is emotional stress or drama.  A few weeks ago I blogged about some uncertainty with my job.  After talking it over with some trusted coworkers, I reframed my priorities.  While I need interesting work, even more than that, I want to keep my part-time schedule.  So I put the brakes on my frantic job search and just waited for a bit to see what would happen on my current team. 

As it turns out, I got some new responsibilities that are rocking my world, and I didn't have to go through the gauntlet of interviews or the awkward conversations around "hey, I'm pregnant and due in October *and* I also work part-time".  So life is good and I'm learning to live with a little ambiguity which is another good skill to have.

On the drama front, I received an email from someone I haven't spoken to in 15 years after a messy situation.  It was more complex than just "hey, how's it going, been a long time" and I agonized over what to do with it. Conventional wisdom would say it's been long enough, be the bigger person and accept the olive branch.  I could envision long email chains with friendly banter about current lives, raising kids, work, blah blah blah. 

When I first saw that email in my Inbox, I got a visceral gut feeling that was NOT good.  It was exactly the feeling you get when you're a kid and just about to get yelled at for something.  I was physically shaking when I saw it.  That surprised me.  When I thought more about exchanging email, being "friends", Facebooking and whatnot, it just made me tired.  I didn't want that.  I knew every email would feel like an obligation to be cheerful and witty, ask friendly questions, and pretend to care.

You know what?  I don't care.  I wish this person well but I don't want continued involvement.  I definitely don't want to rehash and analyze what happened 15 years ago.  I've worked out a lot of stuff since then and have NO desire to revisit it.


But I've got that ridiculous sensitivity about conflict.  I can't just let things go.  It didn't feel "nice" to drop this email into the bit bucket.  So I replied, tersely, and then gave myself permission to let it go.  It's weird how that worked for me.  Not responding to email #1 was bugging the heck out of me, until I did.  But choosing not to respond again to the reply?  It feels right.  I'm over it.


And that's how I know I've chosen the right priorities for myself.  This is why I revel in being a grownup who can make her own choices, and try to remember when dealing with BabyT to choose my battles very carefully.  I don't want her to feel like childhood is a long series of things you do to keep other people happy.  It's not a good way to raise an adult, because it's really hard to let go of that "programming".

It's still a work in progress...

Finally found the love of a lifetime

sometimes life is all rainbows and rottweilers

On the anonymous parenting question list at work, every couple of months someone posts about "lacking inspiration", "losing their mojo", "complete disinterest" about their work after returning from parental leave. 

It's not surprising, is it?  Especially for first time parents, whose lives have been completely upended by the arrival of a delightful (mostly, right?) baby.  Not to mention the lack of sleep, the fact that your brain is probably still mushy, and the complete hijacking of your brain to worry about how your child is eating/sleeping/developing etc. 

I don't have a solution to this problem besides advising people to go easy on making Big Decisions in that first 6 months back.   For a long time, I was really unsure about returning to work, even part-time.  I loved my schedule and liked my work, but still would have been perfectly happy to stay at home with T 5 days a week.

But now, 2 years after returning from that first maternity leave, I am really happy to be working.  I'm not sure when that happened. 

Part of it was the good fortune to join a team that is full of ridiculously nice people who believe there is more to life than work, while still doing an awesome job at work.  That combination is very hard to find - I've found tons of teams full of workaholics with no outside lives and have also heard of (but thankfully not worked on) teams with people who definitely value their work life balance but are completely useless and unmotivated at work.

As much as I grouse about corporate life, I want to be good at my job.  I want to work with people who are happy to be there, and are doing the right thing for our customers.  Today was one of those days I was all "hell, yeah" about work.

On the face of it, it was an ordinary day and everyone was a little regretful about coming back to work after a glorious long weekend.  But today I picked up a new responsibility that is in line with stuff I've done before, and the sort of project managementy goodness I like doing.  I was busy, and happy about it.  I'm thinking about increasing my hours just a tiny bit.

And I realized I hadn't felt that good more than a handful of days since returning from mat leave 2 years ago.  Of course, this is all moot when I go out on leave later this year, but I'm happy to wallow in the goodness right now. 

The other part of it is that T is getting a lot out of preschool.  Even if I was a SAHM, I'd have enrolled her in co-op or some other part-time preschool by now.  She, like me, loves structure and order.   She tells us enthusiastic (but often incomprehensible) stories of what happened at preschool and is always happy to go there.  So happy that she often has to be reminded to say goodbye to us when we drop her off.

Don't get me wrong.  If the circumstances allowed, I'm sure I could still be perfectly happy as a SAHM.  Especially with all those crafty projects I have on deck and the tons of projects I want to do with T. 

But I am also loving work right now.  Take that, Mommy Wars.

For three strange days

We've only been back from Ireland for about 2 weeks which is surprising because in some ways it feels like AGES.

I was still horribly sick when I got back and visited my primary care doctor as soon as I could. She gave me the party line about how she couldn't really prescribe anything since I was pregnant, but gave me a tip that I could take Claritin or Mucinex safely. Fine, that helped a little.

The next day I had an appointment with my awesome OB for a usual checkup on BabyX', who finally allowed us to hear his/her heartbeat on the Doppler. She scoffed at the *3* doctors I saw who wouldn't prescribe anything and finally gave me sweet relief with a prescription for Zantac which cured the nausea and puking after the FIRST DOSE, and an inhaler which FINALLY got rid of the cough I've had for 4 freakin' weeks. I love my doctor.

this one goes out to the ones I love

So once I got the puking out of the way, I could resume real life, which meant getting back to work after nearly four weeks off. That's already tough, and it was even more of a party when I found out my job is going away and I need to look for a new one.

So as I am prone to doing, my inner project manager go to work and went into frantic job-search mode. I'm a pro at searching for internal jobs, having switched roles 5 times in the almost-10 years I've been there. The unsettling thing about this is that it wasn't my choice. I like my current team, and of course LOVE my part time schedule.

But after a week or so of freaking out and talking to people across the company about potential jobs, I'm not as unemployable as I thought. Let me tell you, it's awkward to bring up the fact that 1) I am pregnant and will start my maternity leave in October, and 2)I work part time and would love to keep it that way. I figured no team would want that.

Keeping the part-time schedule is going to be a challenge. Most of the interesting jobs I found are not ok with it. I had a few managers tell me outright "this team does not have good work-life balance." Yikes.

I *could* theoretically go back to working full time, because TJ is home now. But I also want to enjoy the time with him. Today we went to the Children's Museum in the morning, and it was a beautiful thing - easy parking, no crowds.

Our team got merged into a larger team, so I went to talk to some folks there. My last meeting was with the director of the team we got merged into, and I was a little nervous about that. And then she presented me with what sounds like a really awesome job. Project management. Bringing order to chaos. Helping other teams go through a process to release their code.

And not only that, she's totally cool with the part time schedule. I wouldn't have to go through the usual gauntlet of 5-7 interviews for this role. They need someone right away. I have the option to go full time later.

I know, I should be all "where do I sign up?", right? But I'm apprehensive. Every time I look for a new job, I worry about whether I'll make the right choice. Will this be a good or bad manager/management chain for me? Will this job disappear without warning in 8 months? Are there environmental factors that will make performance review a miserable thing? Is this work going to make me happy? Could I find a different position where I would earn a bit more? If I take this one, am I moving too fast? Should I consider more options just for the sake of time? (We did buy the first house we saw because we LOVED it...)

Does the "perfect" job even exist?

Sigh. I am grateful to have these questions, and not "how will I put food on the table?" Any words of wisdom here?

Livin' the dream



this is why we do it

In honor of International Womens' Day, I'm contributing to the Blog Carnival hosted by feMOMhist on how I got the life I wanted.

I'm not sure if I've ever explicitly stated it, but I really am Living The Dream.  Not in a snarky, sarcastic way, but FOR REAL. I came to the realization only recently that it IS under my control.  It may not be easy, or the accepted "right" way to do things, but it's in my power to get what I want out of life.

For the first 24 years of my life, I did what was expected of me, for the most part.  Got good grades, went to fancypants Institute of Technology, set off to get a PhD in Molecular Biology.

Until one day I realized the path I was on was *not* what I wanted.

At that point, it took me only 2 months to get on a new train, the one that took me to my current destination.  I quit grad school, got a job in technology consulting despite having NO experience in the field, ditched the guy who was all wrong for me, and started a friendship with the man who is now my husband.

What can I say?  When I know what I want, I go after it, and quickly.

Four years of Traveling Consulting Job led to my seriously awesome job as a Program Manager at Microsoft.  The boyfriend (now husband) came to Seattle with me, and became the fiance, then finally (!) The Husband.  Somewhere in there, two dogs came to live with us and we bought a house together, despite (oh no!) not being married yet.

On a whim, I decided to take a Project Manager job at a local startup to see what life was like at a tiny company.  Turns out it wasn't for me - I missed Microsoft too much.  So I came back in 2008, and it was easy-peasy to get back in - a favorite previous manager had an open spot on his team.  I've been there ever since, and even managed to negotiate a sweet part-time gig after maternity leave with Miss Baby in 2010.

So that's where the big parts of the story fell into place.  The Blog Carnival is focusing on the day-to-day of How We Make It Work.  Honestly, for me that's the easy part.  Once I know *what* I want, I can usually figure out some way to get it.  I guess that's the Project Manager in me - the devil is in the details, but the details are easy for me to wrangle.

The Work Situation

As I mentioned before, I work part-time.  I work 20 hours a week, which is half-time.  I spend two days in the office, though it'll be closer to 2.5 now that Miss Baby is in preschool 3 days a week (and I'll likely increase my hours just a tiny bit).  This enables me to spend the other weekdays at home with BabyT.  When I'm at work, she's at preschool. 

I drop her off and TJ picks her up, so we stagger our schedules.  He goes into work ridiculously early (6am) so he can pick her up at 4pm.  He works a full time+ schedule at a tech company and his job is fairly demanding.

Our priority is for her not to spend too many hours away from home - she had been in daycare for 2 approx 8-hour days before preschool started this month.

If T is too sick to go to child care/school, we assess whose day will be disrupted least.  My work days are more "precious" since I'm not in the office much, so we try to protect those.  Sometimes we trade off - I'll go in for important meetings, and then TJ will go to work later in the day.

My parents are in town part of the year, about 15 min from where we live, so during those times, they're also happy to spend time with T if she's too sick for school, or I need to go in to work on an extra day.  They also just like it when she hangs out at their place, so I drop her off there about once a week when they're around.  It's very nice :)

The Home Situation

Our lifesaver is the woman who comes to clean our house every 2 weeks.  She spends only 2 hours cleaning, but gets all the stuff we don't want to do: bathrooms, primarily, but manages to vacuum and change sheets as well.  We do some interim vacuuming/kitchen cleaning ourselves.

Right now we're trying to cut expenses, so we ditched the Yard Guy.  It's winter, so not an issue now, but come Spring we'll need to reassess.  I HATE yard work/weeding with a passion and in this rainy climate we get a lot of weeds.

I handle chores like laundry and dishes most of the time, with occasional help from TJ.  He handles the finances and bills, and fixes stuff that breaks.  He also does most of the Dog Maintenance and vet visits, as I'm usually the one to take T to her various appointments on my days off (doctors, physical therapy, etc.)

I do a lot of the errandy stuff like Target runs and making appointments.  So far I've been packing T's lunches.  I do most of the grocery shopping, though TJ also does some.  He does a lot of Baby Maintenance in evenings (bedtime) and weekends (mornings when I can sleep in!!).  He's much better at just sitting on the floor playing with her than I am.  I guess I always feel like we need to be *doing* stuff, though I'm getting better about that.

Now that T has both Little Gym and Spanish on weekends, we split those up.  He takes her to Little Gym, and I take her to Spanish (and usually a restaurant for dinner afterwards).  This gives us each a little chunk of "alone time" in the house.

We use Google Calendar to track our home stuff (link will take you to my post about it.  We're fanatical about being home from wherever we are in time for T's naptime and bedtime (noon and 6:15pm, respectively) so for now that dictates our schedule.  It also makes it easy for one of us to slip out and do something fun in the evenings with friends - the person left at home gets a quiet house, and since T is normally a good sleeper, there's not much to do on the toddler front either.

We eat out more than we should, though it goes in spurts.  I try to cook something on weekends that'll last a few days.  Some weeks are better than others.  That's one area I'm still working on to try and get into a rhythm.  Thing is, I LIKE eating out, so I'm not sure it's something we'll ever fully eliminate.


And that's about it for our logistics.  If you read this far, congratulations :)  If you want to participate in the Blog Carnival, wander on over to FeMOMHist and look at the details.  Also, leave your link here because I want to be sure to read it :)

Don't do this in an interview. No, really.

(I'm recycling this post from my now-defunct work blog, slightly updated.)

I've conducted a lot of interviews at my company for both full-time and contract positions. At my previous job, I was also involved in hiring and reviewed tons and tons of resumes from a Craigslist posting (an interesting experience in itself!). I've done lots of phone screens and in-person interviews, including the infamous Microsoft multi-person all day interview extravaganzas.

Of course, there are hundreds of blogs and sites giving out career advice, and none of this is new. But people still keep doing horrible, interview-tanking things. So I figure it's worth getting the message out there. If this helps one techie person, my mission is accomplished.

1. Don't lie, but also present your best self.

Your resume is like an online dating profile. It's a snapshot of your career. It's meant to get the attention of the recruiter so they will call you. Just like you shouldn't say that you're 6 foot 3 if you're 5 foot 6, don't tell me you were the project manager of a $10 million project if you were the assistant to the PM. People will find out, and it won't be pretty. The world is a lot smaller than you think.

Don't tell me your life story on your resume. If you have less than 5 years of work experience, I don't want to see more than one page. I'm cool with two pages if you have more than that. Don't be the dude with the 7 page boring resume in a teeny tiny font. I was afraid he might be as awful as his resume so I didn't call him.

Spellcheck. Seriously. F7, dude. And then ask your most grammarlicious friend to review it, too. 'Nuff said.

Also, if you're applying for a job as a software engineer, don't list your typing speed under your "top skills". It tells me you have no idea what's important.  Oh, and if you took one class 10 years ago in college in C++, but haven't used it since, don't say that you're an expert. This will come to light when you're asked to answer a gnarly code problem on the whiteboard, and at that point, you're going to wish you were somewhere VERY far away.

2. Don't be late. Or flaky.

This one is easy, and obvious, right? Your recruiter sets up a time for an interview. Be there, and be mentally present, without distractions.

It's amazing how many people just don't think about it. If you don't have someone to watch your crying baby, or you are in the middle of painting your house, don't choose those times for an interview. Oh, and I am a serious dog lover, but put your barky dog outside before your interview. He's going to distract both you and me, and I'll b e wondering why you can't sort out details like making sure your environment is ideal for the task at hand.

Before that interview, find out EVERYTHING. Is it by phone, LiveMeeting, or in-person? If you give out your mobile number for a phone interview, will you have reliable reception? What should you wear and where should you park? Don't be the gal who showed up at the office for a phone interview. Awkward and icky for both of us.  

Don't assume you'll sort it out when you get there, because it'll make you late, and possibly frazzled.

3. Don't be soul-suckingly negative.

Again, blindingly obvious, right? Don't spend whole minutes talking about how your last job sucked, or that your last boss was a tyrant, and can I believe what they made you do?? I'm not your best friend at happy hour, so save the sad story for her.

If you get asked why you left, come up with a simple answer that doesn't sound evasive. Something about how it wasn't a good fit for your career goals, or the company was downsizing and your whole department got cut. 

Be honest and to the point if you're asked if you were fired, let go, or left voluntarily. Don't dwell on it or give me the long painful backstory. If you start doing that, I'm rolling my eyes and trying to figure out how to end this interview as quickly as possible. Because no one wants to work with *that* guy who blames everything on everyone else.

 

4. Don't get all Paris Hilton on me and make it all about you.

I'm all for asking smart questions during the interview. I pay attention when someone asks me well-thought-out questions about the work environment, job duties, or team culture.

But, if on our first phone screen, you're asking me how much you're going to get paid, whether you'll have to work overtime, how many vacation days you'll get, and if you'll have your own office, it makes me think you're gonna be high maintenance. And it's way better not to hire the divas in the first place, than to get rid of divas later.

If you get an offer, you can ask all of those questions later. That's when you have more power anyway - the company obviously wants you, and you can negotiate what you need to.

Tangentially related to this one: Don't go on and on about how you're the best coder or project manager there is. Really? The best ever? In the whole wide world? If you're so great, why are you applying for a job? Shouldn't the perfect one just fall into your lap?
And don't cut other people or technologies down to make yourself look good. It just makes you seem arrogant.

What else would *you* add to this list? I'm sure folks out there have some good stories/tips on interviews gone wrong.