1. If you don't ask for it, your boss won't know what you need
2. Everyone is entitled to work-life balance, not just moms or parents
Go read it and then come back.
About once a month, I get pinged by someone at work who wants to know how they can set up a part-time schedule. My short answer? I asked for it.
The longer answer? I knew it was a priority for my family, and I didn't back down. Returning from maternity leave, I would have quit if I had to go back to working the 45+ hours a week, 5 days in the office plus more-time-from-home schedule I had before I left.
The first answer I got was "I don't think we can make that work." So I went home that day prepared to start cleaning out my office. And then the next day, got an email saying that they could, in fact, make it work.
Note that I didn't threaten to quit during the first conversation. I just laid out what exact schedule worked for me.
But in order to do this, I had to stop being afraid. I've got a huge fear of failure. It's probably one of my worst traits (aside from the inability to stop eating stuff that's bad for me). I'm a Type-A perfectionist who wants her gold stars.
I liked being GREAT at my job and being needed. I loved the high review scores, big bonuses, promotions and special awards. I was the rat who figured out how to press the lever to get the little food pellets. That's what made me happy.
Until it didn't anymore. My life changed completely when I had T. I considered becoming a SAHM, something I had never given a single thought to before. In a few short months, my entire life focus shifted to something even more motivating than those shiny gold stars.
And that's when I realized I was no longer afraid. What if they turned down my request to work part-time? Well, then I wouldn't work. And we were ok with that. If I absolutely HAD to work, I would have worked full-time.
Each year, the familiar nervousness creeps back around performance review time. Did I do well enough to get the rewards? By working part-time I've chosen to make a compromise in this area. Since I'm working less, I get compensated less. Since we're "graded on a curve", my coworkers putting in 60 hours are getting better rankings than I am.
I can't rant about the unfairness of that, because they have chosen to make work "their thing". I used to be very afraid of getting a "bad score" and I still stress out about that. But what if I do? The scenario that plays out is not really the end of the world.
The worst possible case is that it's so low that I'm asked to leave. But that's unlikely as it's a very small percentage of folks who get that score. If I did, maybe the job or team is not a good fit for me. Any other low score would mean a small or no bonus, which is a bummer, but not a tragedy.
Fear just gets in the way of doing great work *and* having the life I want. If I'm too afraid to ask for a flexible work arrangement, one is not just going to miraculously drop from the sky. If I work harder and longer hours to assuage my fears of getting a bad review, I'm going to miss out on the other things I like to do, and I'm not respecting my own priorities. Fear makes people do a lot of things they don't truly WANT to do and that is really no good.
I have a hard time sympathizing with people who SAY they want flexibility but then don't assert themselves to get it (this happens a lot). Yes, it takes balls to do this. But the upside is pretty great.
Once I stopped being afraid of hypothetical "bad things" happening to me at work, I felt a lot more free to find work I wanted to do, a team I liked, and just plain happiness. Who can argue with that?
So, how bad do you want it?
Thanks for the link!
ReplyDeleteThe freedom from this fear is the number way I buy happiness- I have a big chunk of money in the bank, and that means that I'm not afraid to do what I want at work, because the worst case scenario (they fire me and tell everyone else in my industry not to hire me) isn't so bad. I'd have enough money to tide us over while I reinvented myself. Or at least I think I do, and that is what really matters for the happiness factor. Who knows what would actually happen if my worst case scenario came to pass.
I tried to write a post about this awhile back (http://www.wandering-scientist.com/2012/02/buying-happiness.html, but I wasn't careful enough with the phrasing, and it really pissed some people off, because they thought I was saying that if you have money and aren't blissfully happy, you're doing it wrong. But I don't think about happiness as a step function, I think of it as a continuum. So I was just trying to say that if you make the sort of money I do, and it isn't increasing your happiness, then you're probably not using it in the "right" way.
Anyway, I agree. Finding a way to not be afraid at work makes for a happier work experience! It is a shame that it is so dependent on money, but I don't see a way around that, since one of the main sources of fear is the fear of not being able to provide for yourself and your family.
Yes, it definitely makes it easier if you don't *need* the job literally to put food on the table. But there are ways to break free from that. I remember your post and was definitely not offended by it and wasn't sure how people took it the wrong way.
DeleteThat's one of the key insights into the idea of Financial Independence and why Your Money or Your Life is such an amazing book. Having a cushion brings freedom. (Even if you can't live entirely off your dividends stream yet.)
Delete@N&M - the book is on my list. Do you think it would work as a Kindle book? I wasn't sure if there were a lot of diagrams/workbook-y stuff that I needed a paper copy for.
DeleteMost people I know got a lot out of it without doing any of the exercises. I don't think there's any actual work-book stuff, like in some PF books. The exercises are things where they suggest you get out your own graph paper, for example.
DeleteIt's also a lot drier material, more dense, less well-written, etc. than most PF books. Very difficult to read in one sitting-- easier a chapter a day with discussion in between. But despite all that it's a great book.
You've probably gotten a lot of the insights already (given that you've realized you can work part-time, that your DH can take time off etc.), but I think it's such a dense book that there will still be something to think about in it. Everyone I know has gotten something different out of it.
So, in short, yes, kindle should be fine. The diagrams are pretty basic (Y = -X^2 + C is one of them), so you won't be missing much if your copy doesn't have them (and it might).
Thanks! I have a hatred of dealing too deep with money topics, so it would be good for me to read as much as I can. I'm very ostrich-like about it, and thankfully my hubby likes the nitty gritty, but I need to be better educated about it than I am :(
DeleteYou'll like this book-- it's very inspirational! It isn't a "here's how to make a budget" kind of book. Reading it got my DH who is very much like what you're saying to get interested in our finances. It shows what money can *do* (much of which you're already doing, so maybe it will strike a chord), which provides inspiration for thinking about dealing with it. Your husband will be happy!
DeleteI liked reading your post. I made the decision to quit working (for now, why do I always feel the need to add a qualifier??) because part time really wasn't happening. Maybe I should have been more forthcoming about my needs in the beginning, who knows. I have a lot of respect for what you are doing.
ReplyDeleteps- hope you are enjoying the martha stewart stuff!
I agree that it's not always easy to find a part-time gig, especially when you have small kids still at home and want a specific schedule. But you acted on your priorities, which is awesome. I see a lot of people doing a lot of "wishing" without DOING, and that drives me a little crazy.
DeleteThis post is so interesting to me since I am doing the same thing - working part time to spend more time with my kid. Unfortunately, it didn't work out so well for me in one way - my coworker who had a baby around the same time as I did chose to continue working full time (she claims she needs the full time money, but I have a hard time believing this, which I will not get into). As soon as she found out I was moving to part time, she invited me to lunch and yelled at me since this means there is more work for everyone else, and ever since, has been giving me the hardest time. She was formerly a friend, but now tries to find every possible way to shoot me down. It's been a rough ride in that respect. I haven't talked with anyone about it except my boss, who is totally understanding but powerless since she is a high contributor...
ReplyDeleteP.S. I'm curious if your bosses have seen your blog and you are open with sharing your sentiments about this issue with them, or they probably aren't aware. When I switched to part time, I emphasized other (also true) reasons besides wanting to spend more time with my child, thinking that that would be more convincing.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous - your situation *totally* sucks, but stand your ground! If your boss is understanding, that's all that matters. Don't ask your coworker for feedback, don't go to lunch with her and tell her that you have made your choice for priorities. If she has too much work, it's not her "fault", it's your team's for not hiring enough people to distribute the load. Maybe they could hire a part-time contractor to share the work, etc. but IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
DeleteI'm not sure if my bosses read my blog (though my direct manager is in my Facebook list so he has the opportunity). They have read the one I linked to here about how to get a part-time schedule and make it work.
I didn't write about this here, but I think we fixate too much on wanting to explain the "reasons" for why we want things. For me, I didn't talk about spending more time with my child, but it was pretty obvious since I was just returning from mat leave when I asked. But I don't get into it on the day-to-day stuff. If someone schedules a meeting on my non working day, I just decline and say I'm out of the office that day. I don't need to justify it further.
If your coworker needs the money then she has made her choice. If she has too much work she needs to take responsibility for it and address that with your management. Let me repeat THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
It sucks to have a coworker who's actively a pain in the ass, but that's a scenario that could happen regardless of your schedule (I had one while working full time too). Just take the high road and don't engage, and make sure your boss is aware of it.
Good luck.
Sorry, I meant that her having too much work is not *your* fault. Your team made the choice to allow you to work part-time, and part of that responsibility is redistributing the other work. In my case, they kept the contractor who was doing my job while I was on leave, but gave her part-time hours as well to balance the cost.
DeleteIn my current role, I have less responsibility, but it's not framed as "making my coworkers do more work", but I'm lucky to be on a team with 2 part-time folks and everyone else is really understanding and cool about it.
I meant to check in awhile ago, and finally did. I appreciate your support. I think the thing that bothers me most at this point is the loss of that friendship, but I guess one might argue how much of a friendship that really was. To give more background, this coworker was actually a friend whom I had referred to this job. Talk about the biggest regret ever,or perhaps it was good this all happened so that I know what kind of person she really is.
DeleteThese days I have been having marital troubles with my husband, which means lots of harsh arguing and bringing up any and all insecurities. My husband was arguing with me today about some unrelated issue, and suddenly brought this coworker up, as an example of how I ruin friendships. (I've never lost any friendship besides this one, which I am not sure I can even take the blame for!) Anyway, this was probably way TMI, but I appreciate your allowing me to vent. And it's why I'm signing this Anonymous... (I'm an old Caltech classmate, but will leave it anonymous beyond that!)
Ugh, Anonymous, I'm so sorry - your situation sounds very sucky right now. If you want to vent, non-anonymously, feel free to send me email (there's a link at the top left of my blog). Good luck.
DeleteI think you've made a great point about Type A people. In so many ways, my family has saved me from myself. They're my priority now and the worst-case-scenario that could happen with work isn't as catastrophic. I think this realization has freed me to live a more balanced life. The irony is that reordering my priorities has made me more productive and successful.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, for sure. I think Cloud alludes to this in her "work limit" post where sometimes working all the time is actually counterproductive because you get tired and make mistakes, or just don't do as well when you've had time away from it.
DeleteI also am much happier than I was when work was my whole "thing". :)
Found your site from Shalini's and our shared love of ham.
ReplyDeleteLoved this post and am about to scroll through more. : )
You know what I love even more than ham? Bacon :)
DeleteExcellent post! :)
ReplyDeleteThis post is so epic Anandi. Totally true.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying work on Jon's fear right now that if I go full time in photography, that I won't make enough to pay the bills. I know I will, I need to get over his fear. It's a valid concern though for him.
Oh wow, what an awesome goal. Good luck to you. It's going to be hard to prove that you can without actually doing it (because of the time thing). I wonder if you can take a leave of absence from your job and if that would make him feel better?
DeleteOh, I love this post. Fear is so MUCH of why I do/did/don't do so many things. Time to let go.
ReplyDeleteI know, it's totally freeing when you realize it. I saw your fear post too but didn't want to be a dork and link mine ;D
DeleteLove your post Anandi!!! Life is too short not to do what you want. More importantly, who in the world cares as much as we think they are caring and judging us?
ReplyDelete