Thursday, July 25, 2013

Like I was poison in your mouth

I live in a crunchy city on the "Left Coast". Mamas routinely breastfeed in public without covering up. (I high-five them in my mind, because I'm not brave enough.)

BabyM flat-out refused to nurse in public around 5 months old. Life was just WAY TOO INTERESTING to worry about milk and definitely not under cover. Trying to wrangle a wiggly baby and not flash my fellow diners in a restaurant was good times.

So I stopped breastfeeding in public. I had a giant stash of milk stored up for my return to work (which didn't happen) so we had plenty when she *finally* deigned to accept a bottle around 6 months. I had nearly given up hope of anyone else feeding her at that point, so hooray for small victories.

But we kept nursing at home and she became super quick and efficient. She outgrew needing to be nursed to fall asleep and in a stunning turn of events, I can put her down in the crib in the mythical state of "drowsy but awake" and she actually, amazingly, puts herself to sleep.  This was unheard of 2 months ago and the cause of much despair around here.

The only constant with a baby is change.  At almost 10 months, BabyM is apparently ready to do everything at once - in the last 3 weeks she's learned to sit up from lying down, rolls around in both directions, *crawls* and is growing 3 new teeth at the same freakin' time.

The one thing I didn't expect to change - our easy, efficient "nursing relationship" - did.  I'll spare you the details, but it started to hurt a lot.  I was dreading her feedings. This was all new, since this amazing baby showed up on Day 1 knowing exactly what to do. 

My best guess is that her new teeth are affecting her latch, *and* she's growing like crazy and really hungry. When we give her a bottle, she drains 5-6oz in just a few minutes. She wants to eat and get on with her day. She also eats unbelievable quantities of solid food - actual person-sized amounts.

For a couple of weeks I've been pumping and feeding her, but I hate it.  One of the awesome benefits of not working anymore is not having to pump several times a day and feeling the stress of "do I have enough?". 

The freezer stash is dwindling - we have 2 weeks' worth of occasional bottles left.  I know I could spend time and $$$ getting a lactation consultant to diagnose what's going on. Lord knows I've used Dr. Google to self-diagnose as well.  I could drink the tea and take the supplements, which I've done in the past for T.

Or, I could supplement with formula for the next 1.5 months until we can introduce regular soy milk and use this as an opportunity to slowly wean her so I don't quit cold turkey and become Hormone-Crazed Angry Mama.  

It's taken me weeks to come to terms with this, thanks to the propaganda machine. I know logically that formula != "poison" (like some would have you believe) and that whole generations were raised successfully on formulas less nutritionally advanced than what's available now.  Big sister T was essentially prescribed formula by her doctor at 9 months since she was so low on iron and it was better than holding her down to force the nasty iron supplement into her mouth.  

BabyM isn't allergic to anything as far as we can tell so our options are wide open, unlike with T.  BabyM eats *everything*, including carpet lint, so the term "exclusively breastfed" means nothing at this point. 

But that little voice inside my head is telling me I'm being lazy and not trying hard enough to fix the nursing issue.  It's telling me I should breastfeed BabyM *exactly* as long as I did for her big sister, which would mean continuing in some form for 4 more months (ouch!).

It shouldn't be this complicated or guilt-inducing, right?  So today I took the first baby step. I wanted to make sure we had a backup option for M when our freezer stash of breastmilk runs out. I can't pump enough to get her through a day.

I found the "just in case" formula I bought before M was born. It expired in February so I threw it out. I wondered if it was a sign.

Then I realized I had a can of the same brand powdered stuff as well, likely a free "gift" from somewhere. This was a new experience for me - we always used the ready-to-feed for T. I got my chemistry on and made up a bottle very carefully as per the instructions. 

And she drank it down like it was sweet candy juice from heaven. Seriously, I think she drank it faster than any bottle of milk she'd had before. Well, then. I feel good that we have options.

I've given myself a couple more weeks to figure out the nursing stuff and see if there's an obvious, easy solution. I'm disappointed at how much internal angst I'm having over this. I know logically everything will be fine, but there's that nagging doubt when I consider taking a different path than I did last time.

But that's the crux of parenting, isn't it?  You have no idea whether or how any one decision is going to affect THE FUTURE. You just take a breath, pick a path that you think is right, and get moving. Kind of terrifying and kind of awesome all at the same time.

I feel like I should end this post with something uplifting, like "Go forth and conquer."  So, um, yeah!

23 comments:

  1. Let me just say *hugs* Weaning is usually harder onthe Mom. If it makes your feel any better Nandini never took to a bottle until she was almost two but I was hardly producing after six months. She lived off of yogurt I think. Glad to hear baby M is doing so well with solids at least!

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    1. Yeah, I'm happy and lucky BabyM is such a champion eater. And I'm also lucky, in a way, to have the chance to wean slowly instead of her just deciding she's done on one day and me having to deal with the resulting hormonal craziness.

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  2. I think in a couple weeks you'll know if it's a temporary thing (growth spurt + awkward new teeth) or more permanent (now that she has teeth, it just hurts). Whether you settle back into a pleasant nursing relationship or start formula until she's 1, she's totally fine either way (duh). This seems like a pretty obvious "why worry" situation, but that's easy to say from over here, not involved at all.

    I totally understand the "we should nurse exactly as long as T did." I realized a bit ago that Luke transitioned to sleeping in his own bed when I was pregnant with Henry (he was 2 1/2 or so), and Henry is *still* sleeping in my bed (he's 4). That's not fair! But it fit(s) both of their needs so that has to be ok. (I've *tried* to get Henry to sleep all night alone - he just doesn't yet.) I'm still happy when Luke comes in to snuggle in the morning, though - like he's getting a little more of his "fair share" of the cuddles.

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    1. This is such a great point - what each one *needs* is different, so they don't always need to be equal as long as they're getting their needs met.

      And yeah, I'm wondering if the crazy will settle down once all four of her top teeth come in (I just noticed this morning they are all coming in at once, poor thing!).

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  3. Once my second daughter got teeth nursing was over for us. I was working, she was hungry & when I was around it hurt. I sympathize. Mothering is so hard good for you for finding a reasonable solution no one likes a crazy momma!

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  4. Sorry you are having a hard time figuring out what is causing the problem. Have you asked the hospital's lactation consultant? They are willing to help at ANY stage, no matter how long ago you were released with baby, and often have ideas/suggestions that you might not have considered. I nursed five kids and I can tell you, each one was different, and I learned with every one!

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    1. Thank you! I forgot the LC group at our hospital has a phone hotline. I'll definitely give them a call! Our current not-so-great insurance won't pay for a visit, but maybe they can make suggestions over the phone.

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  5. (((HUGS))) Weeing them is always hard. I felt guilty with all 4 of mine but they all turned out ok :) I`m sure you will come up with solution that works for you.

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  6. Hugs. We are so hard on ourselves as Mommas. I struggled with keeping up with my baby girl's demand about 3 months after returning to work. I just wasn't able to pump enough to keep up with her. She also had a sensitivity to regular formula (she would throw up and be sick/not eat for about 12 hrs when she had it - though in the hospital she was able to have it? Wierd mystery.) So it was a draining process to introduce soy formula. It was stressful because I felt such a heavy weight of being the only source of her nutrition and I was so afraid she would have more formula aversions. But it all worked out. I still BF her at home at night. The last night I nursed though was so sad:( But as mommas we do the best we can. I find I can't take in what others think at all. There are so many opinions out there about what is right/wrong. Bottom line is loving your kids. That is what they all need the most!! Good luck:)

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    1. Yep, our first had a dairy allergy and a possible soy intolerance so we went through all of the "allergy" formulas with no luck - she wouldn't drink any of them. We finally got her to drink a little bit of the Gerber Good Start Gentle Plus - I guess the milk proteins were broken down enough that it didn't trigger her allergy. No fun, though!

      Thanks for your thoughts!

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  7. You are going to make the right decision for your family. That's all that matters :) Give some love, take a deep breath and just do what works for you.

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  8. Oh, Anandi, you know I have been there, right? I never made enough milk for any of my babies, even though I desperately, desperately wanted to. My pediatrician really helped me with all this. He said there a dozens of benefits of breastfeeding and only a VERY FEW of those are only present with exclusive breastfeeding. In other words, your baby gets almost all the benefits even if you only get her 4 ounces of breastmilk a day. All 3 of mine were self-weaned by M's age, which made me so sad, because I wanted that relationship to hang on awhile, but don't ever let anybody or anything make you feel guilty for weighing all the pros and cons (which are allowed to include what is good for YOU, an important person in your own right) and coming up with a decision that might buck some cultural norms. (BTW, and I share this in solidarity as someone who lets my desires occasionally trump what might be The Very Best for my kids: I let my children walk themselves to the bus stop two blocks up because that means I don't have to get out my pajamas before 9 a.m. on days I work at home.)

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    1. Ooh, thanks for this - I realized something about my perfectionist tendencies after reading your comment. I feel like everything has to be The Very Best choice, and with 2 kids, I'm finding that just can't happen ALL the time. And that's another new thing I'm learning to live with :)

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  9. I never breastfed but I feel your pain in making the decision, whatever it is, that's right for all of you. Go easy on yourself either way.

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  10. Did I ever tell you that Rachel (my second) only nursed until about 6 months? After that, we were done. Between her reflux and me dealing with my father's death (and consequently not producing enough), it just wasn't working. I felt so much guilt over not nursing her as long as Sam and had to come to terms with the loss of my vision of this beautiful, long term nursing relationship. In the end, she's the totally happy healthy little girl. It worked out. It was what she and I both needed.

    That being said, give her and you a little time. My kids started teething early (4 months or so?) and while it was tough when the first teeth came in, they did learn to adjust their latch. After that, we really had no issues with teething and nursing.

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    1. Thanks, and I remember you said something about Rachel being really hungry, too, right? (Eating tons of food early, IIRC?)

      I'm hopeful that once all four teeth are all the way in she'll sort out what's going on. They're taking their own sweet time, though...

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  11. Do you think you have angst because Baby M is the last baby?

    And for the record, suddenly my little problems with feeding my cats aren't that big of problems really. = )

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    1. That is very insightful! It may be - part of it is regret that I will never nurse another baby. Part of it is that it's a mostly irreversible decision - if I start relying on formula, my milk supply will go way down and it's very hard to fix it so late in the game. (Not to mention I'd want to be done nursing around a year anyway, which is right around the corner.)

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  12. I hope you are you are congratulating yourself for sticking with it...you've done such an amazing job even making it this far! Formula won't hurt...but I TOTALLY understand because I'm scared to try it and hope I don't have to (but I totally don't judge if others need to use it). I hope you can regain some sanity and figure out whats best for both of you. :)

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  13. When my daughter was about to go through a growth spurt, she would start nursing like crazy and it would seem like she wasn't getting enough. By the time they're past the newborn stage, it is entirely demand-driven. If they demand more, you make more. So when they're about to have that growth spurt, they need more, so they force you to make more.

    Maybe it is more noticeable in some kids than others?

    In any case, anything you do to reduce her demand is going to also reduce your supply. You said she's eating lots of solid food. You've also been giving her expressed milk (which is better than wasting it, but still). That's going to mean that much less nursing on her part, which is going to mean you're making less. And it sounds like this has all become a perfect storm *right* when she's ready to grow again. The developmental leaps she's been taking are a kind of growth too, and probably also need more calories.

    If you want to keep nursing, don't use the formula--not because it's evil (and it is--read the ingredient list. Formula *can* be okay but not the way they are currently making it) but because using it will dry you out.

    It all depends on where you want this nursing relationship to go. Up to you.

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    1. Yep, I am worried about supply also because I know pumping isn't as efficient. It is starting to hurt less after a week or so of "rest", so I'm hopeful this is temporary.

      Thanks for your comment.

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  14. (You wrote this on the day we moved! So, yeah. Catching up now.)

    Just chiming in way late to say a general +1. I nursed the first one for 20 months which...considering how hard the first 8 weeks were, was something I never would have predicted but it worked for us. So, when the second was born, I figured it would be the same (ha!) and amazingly enough it was - nursed him for 21 months. Halfway through a pregnancy even, the whole time wondering if I'd be tandem nursing when the baby was born. So with my last, number three, I assumed I'd be nursing another two years. HA. At exactly 10.5 months, he bit me HARD (he had just gotten his first tooth) and drew blood and I became a very skittish nurser which wasn't fun for either of us. My supply was dwindling anyway by that point (something that didn't happen with the other two until 15 months or so) and I chose to pump instead of nurse because the pump hurt less and didn't have teeth. Once I healed, he refused to nurse - it was like he had forgotten how and, like BabyM, was ravenous and had no time for waiting. I wasn't getting much pumping by then and was having the weird freak outs that only hormonally-charged parents without real problems can have: OMG how can feed my baby do I really have to do formula for a month I've never done it what if I mess it up how much milk is in the freezer OMG what will we doooooooo??? I was able to limp to the one-year finish line and call it quits. I think what bugged me most was that it happened randomly and not by his or my choice. No fair, life. No fair.

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    1. Yeah, I wanted to go out on my terms as well. Turns out I didn't heal until I stopped pumping so we didn't make it to 11.5 months as I had wanted to. But now that M has been drinking soy milk for a few weeks, the formula weeks seem like a long time ago.

      What I really wanted was our "easy nursing" time back again, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. THAT was what made me sad :(

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