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| BabyM wonders if she has it all |
And of course, everyone MUST weigh in, as we always do. I'm no different. I've been reading Dinner: A Love Story by Jenny Rosenstrach, which is a combination cookbook, memoir and guidebook on how to pull together family meals. (Something I really, really need help with, before the God of Tater Tots installs himself permanently in our house.)
Rosenstrach talks about returning to her job after maternity leave, reading articles and attending lectures about working motherhood. One of my favorite quotes from this book is this: "That was the other thing I realized quickly - working mothers loved nothing more than talking about being working mothers." I giggled out loud when I read that line - so true, online and in real life.
And of course, like noticing all the other Audi A3s once I got one myself, I see articles about "Having It All" everywhere. I love this opinion piece in the NYT by Erin Callan, a former Lehman Brothers CFO. And of course, I love it because it supports my point of view, which is that Work is Not Everything. It's so easy to get caught up in the race under the guise of having a great career, and ambition, etc. as we are all exhorted to do, but at some point, it becomes toxic if you let it take over your entire life.
I also read this great CNN piece where 10 women define "having it all". I love how varied the answers are. I love how Ana Navarro, a political strategist, thought it was a stupid question. There are a lot of great points, like how men weren't being raised for this change, and thus there are still guys out there who think being with their kids is "babysitting". Or how we never ask men how they manage to "have it all". Or what exactly "having it all" means.
I think these discussion are best when they involve real people, so with that, I'm going to navel gaze along with the best of them.
Prior to 2006, I had no hobbies outside of work. So I just worked more. And yes, I was rewarded. I hit my salary goal before I expected to. I got 2 promotions in 3 years. I also got fat (again), and wasn't really that *happy*. Then I found jewelry making, and finally had a passion outside of work. It was life changing to have something that occupied my mind that wasn't work, that got me out of bed in the morning eager to try new designs and make things with my hands instead of sitting in front of a computer screen. I finally had the elusive "balance". I finally was happy and able to recharge with breaks of something non-work-related.
I've written before about how I'd be happy to stay home with the girls, to teach them, do art projects, and live a less hectic life that didn't involve shlepping to and from daycare several times a week. To that end, I've been working part-time, 2 or 3 days a week since 2010.
We had been living an idyllic existence when TJ quit his job. Two parents at home most days. During my mat leave, we could easily divide and conquer and give everyone the attention they needed during the transition.
Sadly, all good things must come to an end. In our case, TJ got offered a dream job which didn't even require us to move. It was too good not to take it. So he started work 2 weeks ago, and boy do we miss him!
But there was the Looming Question. What happens when my maternity leave ends? We didn't have childcare lined up because that was going to be TJ's role until early next year. We weren't happy with the options available for a 5 month old baby, and T's awesome preschool is only half-day. (But did I mention awesome?!)
So it's my turn to step out of the standard corporate world for a while. I'm currently looking for 15 hours a week of remote work, and am considering contract and freelance opportunities as well. (So if you know anyone who needs a project manager...)
I'm also taking custom orders again in my Etsy shop and looking into Elance and TaskRabbit for work I can do outside the normal 9 to 5. I'm in the middle of reading Chris Guillebeau's The $100 Startup, and am intrigued by the possibility of starting something myself. I don't have an entrepreneurial personality but am figuring out how to develop some of those skills.
Yesterday T and I did some "Mama School" - we worked on some "number work" and did some cutting practice with scissors. I spent an inordinate amount of time getting the Baby Who Will Not Nap to go to sleep. The three of us went to the mall for an errand and to lunch, a lesson for me in wrangling two tired kids. So I'm definitely learning new skills!
I'm both nervous and excited about this new life. For me "having it all" means that as a family, we have the flexibility to adjust our working lives as needed to manage our responsibilities at home. My version of "it all" includes a partner who sees all "jobs" in this house as equal - whether that be working for pay or just the sheer glory of changing diapers, making dinner and pulling weeds. That, and being grateful that we *can* choose this lifestyle, as long as one of us has consistent income (and health insurance!). It's definitely a team effort here.
What about you? What does "having it all" look like to you?
"Having it all" is roughly the same as "living the American Dream." A lot of people think that involves something specific, applicable to everyone, but it's really individual. It's the freedom to pursue happiness. What makes me happy isn't necessarily what is going to make anyone else happy. I want the time and money to make meaningful memories with my friends and family. Work is a means to that end, not an end in itself. I try to make a virtue of necessity in that I found work I enjoy, but if I were independently wealthy tomorrow, I would spend a lot less time designing control systems and a lot more time brewing beer and taking my kids to museums and the like.
ReplyDeleteI love this comparison to the "American Dream" - it's perfect. And yes, we definitely enjoyed our time when TJ was off - doing fun things during the week when it's quieter is *awesome*.
DeleteTo me, having it all means being happy with what I have. I was previously married and lived a very hectic life with 2 kids that had to be looked after while I commuted to London. Whilst commuting I was always doing something creative. One of my first loves was hand stitched quilting. It was to the point that many of my fellow commuters would actually look over my shoulder to see how far I'd come in my project. (word to the wise, London commuters never make eye contact!) Strange! Anyhow, I had aspirations and thought that I could make my creative spirit work for the family and our coffers. My other half did not. Many years later and I now have a profit making business doing what I love to do and I'm married to a lovely a lovely man who supports me in my endeavors. We only have one car but I cycle. We don't have the fanciest of houses but I love it. I'm also home to get the kids off of the bus. My eldest daughter has just completed her degree in fashion design and I couldn't be more proud! She's also looking to use her sewing and design skills to make dresses for little girls who partake in dancing competitions. Bleh, sorry to pour my life out to you all! Anandi, sorry to make such a long post but this is something I've very passionate about.
ReplyDeleteoooh yes, I've been reading most of those posts too and I'm itching to discuss it all with my colleague but we're too busy working (oh, the irony!).
ReplyDeleteCongrats to TJ on his new job. How do you feel?
BTW, do you have to go back to resign? Here in SA, we have to work in the number of months they paid us for if we want to resign. So typically 4 months maternity leave = 4 months when you get back, unless you feel like paying their money back!
No, thankfully. The leave is not required to be paid back, though I suppose it might vary by company since each business handles it differently.
DeleteOh my goodness, so many changes going on for you! First of all, congrats on the job shift! Does this mean you are leaving MS but will get to come back at some point? Can we still go to lunch? lol. My husband and I need to have this same coversation for when the time comes for me to return to work in the fall...Sky will be in half day preschool too so it pretty much means one of us will have to be there!!
ReplyDeleteYes, to lunch still! I do notice that at T's preschool a few of the kids are picked up by a nanny. But then you're paying for both, unless you can find a nanny to work part-time.
DeleteI have a few weeks to find another job within the company but with the requirements I have (remote, part-time and off-hours) it's unlikely I'll be able to find someone willing to use a headcount for it. So in mid April, I'll probably end up quitting...
I think "having it all" is defined uniquely and specifically by the individual. I'm not a mom, unless you count the furry beast that I live with, and yet I feel like I have it all. I have my crafts, a job I love, a family who supports me, and an adventurous spirit that's coming back.
ReplyDeleteI don't know! No clue! One day I'll figure it out.
ReplyDeleteInteresting thoughts
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with your Tater tot God comment. That was hilarious!!!
ReplyDeleteI also read the Lehman Brother CFO's article last night, and its true, work drains your battery. And with two kids, you really have to prioritize a lot in life. But not working at all is not the best option either. I dont think we are better mothers just because we dedicate 24 hours to our kids. That's a whole lot of butt wiping right there. Something in between- where you work flexi hours would be so awesome. You should totally start your own small business. I keep getting ideas for myself, but I never follow through- since I am not a great entrepreneur myself. But I can totally see you doing it :)
Thanks for the vote of confidence :) I definitely agree that a person needs something else other than "wiping butts" :) but I think that can come from a lot of different sources, even serious hobbies. (even better if you can find someone to pay you for it!)
DeleteI always find these kind of discussions interesting. I have been fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with Miss Three *simply* by moving country. I am now ready for there to be more in my life but I know that doesn't include 40 hours plus at work. It does mean me working in an industry other than my first choice and will mean irregular income at best. I think I am not looking for it all but happiness for my family as a whole. Good luck woth your new arrangements.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your search!!
DeleteThat's exciting news about your job changes - both you and TJ! Sounds like it is going to be a fun adventure. I'm a flexible working-at-home mom too and it's great - my very definition of balance. Especially now that the kids are all in school (my youngest is just mornings, but still) - I can work for a few hours a day, then be a mom for the rest of the time. Loving it - hope you will too!
ReplyDeleteI've always wanted a balance life, with or without kids. I did not aspire to management although it is important for me to have a fairly interesting job and projects at work. For me, flexibility is key. I don't have flexibility officially but I'm fortunate that my boss is fairly understanding about childcare needs and doctor appointments.
ReplyDeleteIf you're looking for remote/flex work I think you can probably do much better per hour than anything you're going to find on Task Rabbit. You could try Flex Jobs and Mom Corps. But consulting for your current employer and other tech companies you have contacts with is likely the most efficient option for getting a good rate that recognizes your skills and expertise.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Task Rabbit just intrigues me, and I've seen things that actually pay a reasonable rate (like $60 to set up a fairly simple spreadsheet, etc) rather than the $8/hour stupid stuff.
DeleteELance is another one that has some ridiculously low rates. but I'm hoping somewhere in there may be some reasonable projects.
I am definitely pursuing my contacts, but it's still a hard sell for the time requirements I have. Still, I'm hopeful that there's work out there :)
Exciting changes ahead. Whatever works for YOU and your family is the only "all" that matters. I firmly believe the idea of "having it all" is really about having ALL THE CHOICES. I kind of envy how you and TJ are fluidly moving through different permutations, guided by your priorities. (I envy the flexibility in your career choices and the willingness from both parties to take advantage, that is). Though, while I daydream on my most hectic days of staying home part-time, I'm actually very happy where I am, doing interesting work, raising interesting kids---what more do I want?
ReplyDeleteI think that's the key - figuring out if you're mostly happy doing what you're doing. Which is awesome that you are. Obviously there are going to be days that are sucky, but I think if *most* days you're happy with your situation, it's probably the right one.
DeleteOur field is probably a little easier to "tag in/tag out" than yours, though.