Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Finding my tribe and writing for me



I've been posting less frequently lately, partly because the third trimester has finally caught up with me (hello 7:30pm bedtime!), but also because I'm still annoyed by what went down in these posts, plus the subsequent huffy anonymous email and snarky call outs on other blogs I (used to) read.

Many of the blogs I read are very similar in outlook.  I thought I had found "my people", so to speak, and added a bunch of blogs to my reader.  I'm not religious, lean towards attachment parenting but am not dogmatic about it, work outside the home in the tech industry and am firmly upper middle class.  It's nice to reach out to people "just like me" via the Internet, and read others' interesting and usually relevant thoughts without getting all agitated about it like I would if I frequented blogs written by people who strongly advocate against vaccination (to choose just one irksome issue).

But, as it turns out, I don't think I chose the right tribe.  I've been reading things with a more critical eye lately, and find that on AskMoxie, my usual go-to parenting resource, some of the comments that espouse views that I agree with are the ones getting vehemently shot down as being "judgmental" which is apparently Really Bad if you choose the specific hot button things to be judgmental about (and are on the "wrong" side). 

When I look at my closest friends in real life, the parameters are a little different from those of the bloggers.  Most of them have taken time off from work or rearranged schedules to stay home with their kids, several homeschool and with the exception of a lone few, none are laser-focused on their career growth.  The ones who work seem to have the same attitude as I do - it's mentally interesting and financially good for the family, but not something that competes as a Top Priority.

My two "Mama Role Models" to whom I reach out for advice are moms who stay home and homeschool (and incidentally, went to college with me too, which likely says something about why we get along so well.  Geeks unite and all that.)  One of them told me that finding a group of like-minded parents was more important than finding parents with kids the exact same age or living in the same place.  I totally get it now.

The Internet is a leisure activity for me, so it makes no sense for me to read things that aggravate me. I blog for leisure too, so I don't want to stress out about writing something someone else considers "not nice".  I'm opinionated and I'm going to write what's on my mind.  If that causes people to unsubscribe, so be it.  I'm not blogging for social change, peace and understanding, or cold hard cash (hah!) so there's no need for me to stifle what I really think for a higher purpose.

I guess that's as close to my blogging manifesto as I'll ever get.  Now I'm off to find my people in that great big world out there.  Feel free to direct them my way.

20 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear you have lingering bad feelings...nothing backlash-y has ever happened to me, luckily, but I can guess at how you must be feeling. For what it's worth, I loved what you said in the original post - I feel the same way, just content with my life the way it is. I can't really understand why that's a controversial statement, but so be it...I'm just a happy lady.

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    1. Thanks Lynn! I've been reading your Summer of Awesome with some envy - we haven't planned a ton of things because I'm so darn huge and tired right now.

      But yeah, life is good. :)

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  2. Glad you are writing for you and hope you find your tribe (I think I fit in there). Sorry it led you to blogging less recently.

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  3. Honestly, you're the only person worth writing for anyway. That's my philosophy anyway.

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    1. That is a good point. And you write about much more controversial stuff than I do ;) BTW, I'll try the fix for your comments section, but I don't think I'm running in IE9 Compatibility Mode :(

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  4. I just read the posts and the comments, this makes me so sad. I like reading your blog; I think you have every right to express your opinion, and you are not responsible for the comments at all. I don't have many readers so I don't know how this feels (other than what you've written) but BLECH it sucks. Holy crap what a difficult subject this is. Our work/childcare choices are HUGE and everyone has different needs and different wants. There's no way to reach "agreement" about such a personal decision.

    On the other hand it's easy for me to say that you shouldn't be bothered because I'm sure I would be a wreck. I hate conflict too. I always read the comments after mine on AskMoxie to see if anyone shot me down :) Wow I've never confessed that to anyone before! Keep on writing when you can, rest when you need it mama, these conversations are good to have even when they don't feel so good.

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    1. @VM - I do the same thing on other blogs (see if someone shoots me down after I comment!). it's probably not healthy ;)

      In the end, *obviously* people are responsible for their own choices that work for their family. I don't see why that should keep others from expressing their own opinions on the subject. But I also understand why others who disagree don't want the drama and don't want to keep reading - that's cool with me too.

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  5. I'm a relatively new reader, but I like to think I'm in your tribe, even though I'm not "just like you." I'm 30, married (but no kids), a middle school teacher, and living in the midwest. Oh, and I'm not crafty AT ALL. But I can relate to a lot of what you write about anyway.

    I want to second Vacationland Mom's last sentence--blog when you can, take care of yourself, and know that these conversations are still beneficial, even when they turn snarky. As someone who does want to have kids eventually, I really appreciate reading about others' journeys through motherhood. Your blog (and others' blogs) are great insight for the next wave of new mothers. These "snarky" posts and comments give me a lot of food-for-thought, and that's something I value. So thanks!

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    1. Hey - thanks for commenting! I would think my blog would be super-boring to someone without kids and who isn't crafty ;) Heck, it's probably boring to those who *do* both of those things, but I appreciate you reading.

      I read a LOT of parenting stuff, though I'm sort of burned out on it by now (3 years in). I see it as "research" and then I synthesize it into our plan. And of course, babies never do what you think they should, so it changes a lot!

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  6. You're not a blogger until you experience controversy and drama! Welcome to the club!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I've had more than my fair share of drama and I really just let it slide. I don't let it bug me. The thing is, blogging will never ever ever show the full story of my life or anyone's lives. It is just a slice that we choose to share with the world.

    I've chosen to continue working, but I also think I fit the parameters you've described in real friends. I work part time at a job that is WELL below my mental capability because it allows me the flexibility to get my kids on the bus and volunteer in their classrooms.

    Btw, if you notice, I NEVER reply back in comments to people. It's to avoid the drama. I email people back offline. And if people start drama, I just ignore it. Ignoring it has gone a long long long way toward avoiding drama. No one HAS to read along in my life, so if they feel they must judge, I just delete and move on.

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    1. Good point. And I wondered about the comment/email thing - thanks for the suggestion! BTW, I didn't think we had access to the email address in Blogger, though? I'm sure I'm missing something as I've never looked at the "You've got a comment!" email too closely.

      "WELL below my mental capacity" is an excellent description of work. It's not just hours, I think it's also how much it *consumes* one outside of that time. I like it.

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  7. Amen! I don't understand the negativity either...who has time for that?!

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  8. You know, I never think of bloggers as my tribe, because I drift in and out of so many circles..just like in life I guess? I have been reading a lot of working mother blogs where the women are intelligent, educated and often wealthier than I am. I guess that's your tribe and it's hard when you have disagreements?

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    1. Interesting! I wonder if you are more of an extrovert than I am ;) BC in real life I have a smaller circle as well and to be honest not a ton of diversity there either.

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    2. Funny...it's the opposite. I'm pretty introverted but I get thrown in a diverse circle at work and enjoy talking to people with different backgrounds. My small circle of friends happen to be diverse due to diverging paths in life and different economic backgrounds. So I think that when I read blogs I am all over the map too!

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  9. I'm sorry you feel you got "burned"; I've been seeing a lot of "comment wars" in various corners of blog-world these past few months---places that I've been involved in solely because of the tolerant, accepting, and kind behavior in the past. Not sure what's bringing out the hurt feelings & defensiveness lately. why can't we all just get along! ;)

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  10. Sometimes unhappy people have to push their unhappiness onto others. And its easier to do fairly anonymously through email or blogging.

    I will say, however, I need to start reading your comments more often. I just read them from the previous blogs and it got dander all up. I'm team Anandi for sure.

    Like many readers, and many bloggers, I feel that my blog is a representation of me, my beliefs, my opinions, my dreams, my failures, my life. If you don't like it or agree with it then don't read. Its the same I feel when people bitch about TV shows...if you don't like it, switch the channel. YOU choose.

    I'll keep reading for sure. You often blog about world I know nothing about...children.

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  11. There's so much that I've wanted to say here all along, but I just can't quickly and concisely get my thoughts down. But, as a longtime, faithful reader, I feel I owe it to you to at least say these few things:

    1) I love reading your blog. Keep writing. Keep stating your opinions.

    2) I read blogs because I want to know what life is like for other people. I *want* to know their viewpoints. If people didn't state their opinions, then what kind of blog would they have? Just a list of recipes they've tried?

    3) When we give an opinion, we give judgement. When I make parenting choice X, yes, I think my choice is the best one. I wouldn't have made it otherwise!

    4) I've seen the term 'judgmental' used a lot lately. It's like a meme or something. It's often used to shut down the other side. It's shutting down discourse and it's really pissing me off. I'm about to take a hiatus from reading all blogs for a month.

    5) I think the problem seems to lie here: Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I think you are a bad person or a bad parent. Yes, I think my parenting choice is better, so yes, that means I'm judging your choice on this particular issue. But I don't think you are going to hell for it, and I don't think your kids will be grand failures.

    Anyway, I just mostly wanted you to know that you have my sympathies, love, and support.

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    1. Ginger, please start a blog!!! You have stated my views so much better than I could. I'm glad that someone else has noticed the "thing" that the word "judgmental" is becoming, esp on parenting-related blogs.

      Thanks for chiming in.

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